So much has changed in eight years. In some respects I feel like I have crawled out of the hole I have lived in and feel as if I am actually living my life.
Whatever the fuck that means.
I started learning ballet. Which looking at that sentence sounds adorable, but it is anything but.
I have tried to write about this several times, but I never was able to really get there. Ballet is this place in my mind that I get to visit twice a week. It's where I unlearn years of bad habits and learn how to literally smile through pain.
Really poetic that eight years I have reached this spot.
Alone in a ballet studio staring at my reflection. All I can think is I am doing something with this pain.
I am showing myself that something can be created from nothing.
I can come back to life.
You see small movements at a barre, I see repetition and small adjustments, I begin to believe that everything gets better with practice.
It is a strange experience to become a body. To be in my body. When for so long I wanted out. Dancing forces you to negotiate with stubborn hips and hamstrings. To stretch and reach and balance.
My God...the balance.
Always searching for the right moment when the leg is stretched and the tilt is just right and everything just works.
Creating something from nothing.
You have to start making deals with your brain, to move muscles and hold things and breathe and to remember, remember, remember. To hold your body in positions in order to recognize that exact pain later.
To do combinations on the left when doing so feels like an Algebra test.
Am I doing this right? My leg does not do that. How do I get my leg to do that.
It gives my brain something to do, It is like learning a language that you feel.
It is like unlearning how to hate yourself.
Every single time I leave, I feel accomplished and proud, just because I showed up, Just because my leg got a little higher, just because I created something to think about later.
Just because it scares me half to death, and I keep doing it.