Sunday, April 26, 2015

Sneak peek of my book...

I was going to post this yesterday, but I couldn't do it.

This is an excerpt from my book, that I think captures what went on 7 years ago.

I am hoping to be finished in a couple of months.....enjoy!

.......I prayed out loud to God, making absurd promises, if only he would spare my dad, and keep my entire family healthy and safe. Looking back now, seven years later, I can see just how egocentric my life was. My dad dying was happening to me. Losing him seemed like I was being punished. Like I had all the control and the world revolved exclusively around my needs.
I think that perhaps everyone in the family felt that emotion in some form or another, and in the weeks following his diagnosis, our family came completely unglued with grief.

Most days I felt like I was dreaming. The sun kept shining and the flowers kept blooming, and my dad was still dying. Every day on replay that’s the scene that played out.
It was a fucking nightmare.

Watching my dad in his most vulnerable state felt wrong and invasive. I didn't belong in the room staring at him like a fish in a tank, but I didn't know any other place to be. 
On April 25th 2008 my dad passed away. My husband and I drove down to the Cape and made it within seconds of the coroners taking his body from the room.

I remember stepping into the room and hugging him, kissing his face and telling him how much I loved him. Choking back sobs, but also filled with relief that he no longer was suffering.
It was a weird sensation the hours that followed.
I was almost filled with relief. I was altogether grateful that I had received the gift of “closure” with my dad. That we said “goodbye” to each other, without really acknowledging the fact that he was really going to die. It was like this private dance we did, I fell into step with him, and we both promised to keep checking in from the other side. 

When he finally let go, when he died, I felt almost proud of him.

Life would resume, not in the same way as before, but in a new normal. 

That night I curled up on the couch of the guest house and watched cartoons with my husband and aunt.

At about 11 pm that night, my mother came to the guest house, and considering what she had been through that day I was surprised to see her. It was late and I just figured that maybe she didn't want to be alone.
I pulled myself off the couch, catching her face, remembering the look that flashed in her eyes. She kept fidgeting with her scarf. I wanted her to stop. I knew whatever she was about to say was going to destroy me.

“It’s Jonah, honey,....................... he’s gone.”
That sentence has replayed over and over and over in my mind. I can see her face, I can feel everyone around me. I remember thinking, “but, where did he go?"
Gone, meant dead.
Jonah is dead.
I saw myself reacting. I could see myself and hear myself, and I still was confused as to what was happening.
You know when something drops on your foot, or you slam your finger in a drawer, and you start running around like a crazy person, hoping to get away from the pain? 
Instinctively that is what I did, I wanted out of my body, immediately. Shock played out in awkward hyperactivity, and I remember needing to wash my hair.
To this day I cannot wash my hair with coconut scented anything, without remembering seeing my husband perched in the bathroom, with tears running down his face.
I had no idea why he was crying.
Shock, that shit is real.
Every single day from then on, I woke up and remembered why it hurt to breathe.

Jonah is dead.

Dad is dead.

My life as I had known it had come to an end.

Let me say that again, my life, as I had known it, had come to an end.

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Saturday, April 25, 2015

The worst part about an anniversary

The worst part about an anniversary is that the pain doesn't go away. You think with time, the memories would fade.

 You would think the day would stop having an impact.

You'd think with time, one would stop remembering every single detail, like it was mapped out to perfection.

I miss them every single day. Today, today though it is much harder to forget the desolation.

Like the remembrance of  a head on collision. I can still feel the aches and pains. A twinge in my neck, a pulled shoulder, how muscles ache when the rain approaches.

I've been walking around for seven years missing a limb, and they hardly notice.

Today, they recognize that perhaps, maybe I miss it.

And I do.

I really do.

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Thursday, April 23, 2015

Tornado and other Randomness...

On Monday I was sitting at my desk working on my book, when my phone suddenly started making a highly annoying noise. I glanced down at it, seeing a message I have never seen before. "Alert Tornado in your area, take cover immediately. " I didn't think too much of it, except I should have.

As I was on my way to pick up Allie, I realized that shit got extremely real outside. The school would not release the children till after the threat had passed, leaving an array of cars parked in odd positions in the parking lot and parents running into the school's cafe to take cover.

It was a scene straight out of a movie.

Thankfully the tornado never actually hit the ground, but it certainly made me shiver at how close it was to the school and to my house.

Tuesday and Wednesday we finally saw the Sun, after almost TWO WEEKS of rain capped off by a tornado alert, it was nice to finally get outside. Everyone seems to be in a much better mood when the sun is shining.

For Earth Day, I tried to spend as much time outside as possible. Sophia and I went to the park.
We went for a walk, and then got some vegetarian sushi. I LOVE that she eats whatever I eat, makes me so happy to know that she is fueling her body with the right nutrients.
After sushi we stopped at the Library and then home. After school we went BACK to the park with our neighbor friends.
We hung out and chatted, and tried not to get blown away by the gusting wind. It was like trying to have a conversation in the middle of a hurricane.

Here we are showing you that we are thisclose to being blown away.

But we managed.

<3 p="">
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Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The day I met my mother...

"All of us are here in bodies, that we are convinced, is who we are."
We are just souls, borrowing bodies. Traveling through experiences and human interactions, trying to make sense, and learn lessons.

I do  not believe in coincidences, nor do I believe that we are all here without a purpose.
I have a purpose, and so do you.
 We stumble within our bodies, learning new tricks, and being influenced by the call of our ego, the "I" within us, that needs to be right, and heard, and have things, and thinks that obtaining material items will "make us happy."

The ego, it points out your flaws, it is jealous and loud, its only responsibility is to remove you, away from the higher you, that is the real you within your body.

I have honestly tried to come from a place of quiet contentment. To listen, and not judge. To help when I can.
To serve, because that is what I am here to do.

Writing this book has brought me to a dangerous place. There was a moment, a few days ago, where I was feeling unsafe. I had brought myself back to extreme abuse, remembering the terror and the desperation.
I was letting the feelings and thoughts control me.

I stepped away from the blinking cursor, and sat against the wall.
Pulling my knees to my chest, I fell into meditation easily. Checking in within myself, was a way of caring for the me that was telling these stories.
I knew that I could absolutely control these thoughts, and I am connected, and spiritual and totally fine.
That I am just a spirit, in this temporary body, recalling a time when I was in a younger body.

I know that I was always meant to raise these little spirits. That they chose me, specifically to call mom. They are my light, they are my purpose, and every time I come to a point where the writing is difficult, I am brought back to the reason why I am here.

Recently I had a meeting with a medium. Her name is Donna, and she is amazing. I know that my meeting with her was in direct link with my purpose of writing about my early life. I had high hopes of speaking to my mother, since I lost her when I was two, I have been walking around for 29 years missing her, looking for her, and feeling angry that it was my destiny to be without my mother.
As suspected, Jonah came through first, (more on that later) my dad, of course did as well, but everyone in that room, spirits included, knew that the real reason why I was there was to reconnect with my mother.

She did not disappoint. I have waited my entire life to hear what she had to say.
She was a bright energy and her ideas were cohesive. She wanted to tell me that since I have never had "closure" she wanted me to know that I needed to start coming from a place of "love" and stop living from a place of "not having" because I have always had it, just in a different way.

She explained that love never stops. She said, "I have one child in the spiritual world, and one in the physical world, and I wish I could wrap my arms around both of you at the same time."
She said, "I have never left you, ever. I have been there with you, even when you felt the most alone, I have heard everything you have ask, and begged for, and I have caught every tear that you have shed."
"You are not alone," She said, "I love you in the exact way you love yours, no difference, I wish it had been me, (to raise me) but I couldn't have done a better job."

"You have a beautiful heart,you are everything a mother would want in a daughter."

 Through those words, (and I choose to believe that she was speaking to me) I was overwhelmed with peace.
Like a warm wave washed over me.

 My step was lighter, my shoulders didn't feel so heavy.

My mother is a magnificent energy source.
 She is love.
 She is there every single time I snuggle my girls, or when I simply look at their faces.
She is love, so every time I come from a place of love, I am honoring her and our relationship.

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