Friday, March 20, 2015

"Someone wants to talk to you."

My brother Josh called me last week in the middle of the afternoon, (3 am for him) and my instant gut reaction was, who died?

Because, after awhile you get used to that kind of news
...well you never get used to it, you just learn to take a punch.

He tells me he was drinking beer with a co worker, who was also a 'medium'- he tells me, his friend rolls up his sleeve to show him all the hair standing up on his arm.

I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand on edge, and a familiar wooshing  passing by my ears....But I say nothing and hold my breath.

 He looks up at my brother and says, "Someone really wants to talk to you."

It was Jonah first, but not by name, by the way he was described. 

Think about that for a second. 
We are not our bodies. 
We are, who we are, on the inside. The "I" that has been you since you were born, throughout time you have given up different bodies, (Your baby body, toddler, teenager, etc) however, regardless of the body you wore, you were always YOU. It is that YOU, that I believe is channeled on the other side. 
Your Soul.

 Jonah was described as a larger than life personality, and yet with a very weak energy .."like a child" he was extremely excited and all over the place. He spoke of how they used to play basketball and baseball and how Josh used to beat him up all the time.  Unless you knew Jonah this wouldn't make sense. But that WAS how I would know it was him in the blink of an eye. (Also the medium presented Jonah as "J" which I found interesting since that is what I call him in all my blog letters)

My dad, "Joseph" (spot on) was next, and he was described as a brilliant, vibrant, calming energy that was exact opposite from Jonah's. The medium spoke of his mustache, and described my dad as being very important and established during his life here. As he was speaking, I swear, I could feel my dad beside me. Sometimes I get so close to his energy I can literally smell his cologne. 

My dad spoke of how upset he was that Jonah had died, and left his son, but because of the abuse that Jonah endured as a child, (from our early childhood, before we were adopted) his soul was never allowed to mature. 
I found this so interesting, because they died on the same day, there was no way of knowing my dad's reaction to it. I remember saying in the aftermath of the emotional carnage, that "Dad is going to be so pissed."

Their message was specific to what Josh's soul needed to hear, in order to heal. It was one of those moments in life when you realize that falling down the rabbit hole is not so scary, but a journey of self discovery.
Josh, being presented with this gift, this magnificent gift, from the other side, was still fumbling with exactly how he "was suppose to feel after."

How do you convey to people the magnitude of what just occurred without worrying about what they may think?
How do you actively believe in the impossible?

 Josh kept saying to me, "If it is real, If what he said was true.."  I would cut him off, reminding him that there is no way that this random co worker would have ANY idea of our past.

I find it down right tragic that when magic occurs we so readily dismiss it. 

A few years ago my mom and I were sitting on the deck talking, we hadn't seen each other in a long time, and as we were speaking, the light outside kept flickering. I knew in my heart that it was my dad, but my mom chalked it off to faulty lights from the county fair down the street. I remember thinking how sad it was that we couldn't believe in magic together.

Eventually my mom came around, but Josh never really believed the way I needed him to.

 I am so proud of my brother Josh for accepting it, for knowing in his soul that Jonah needed to tell him how sorry he was for causing so much pain. That he did not mean to die. Josh, needed it, to his very core to hear those words.

I have been sitting with this for a week or two now. Wanting a recording of it to play back, wanting Josh right in front of me, so he can tell me again. 

The very best part of the message was when Jonah said he was, "watching out for Dad, and taking care of him." Which, if you knew Jonah, you just know how very like him that statement was.

I imagine then in paradise, and Jonah will always want everyone to know he is taking care of Dad.

One day I asked both of them for a heart in the sky.


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Sunday, March 15, 2015

Birthday Shenanigans

Yesterday we had Allie's birthday party at Stars and Strikes. A bowling ally/bumper cars/games/chaotic nut house.

 I did a spectacular job of not losing my mind, without xanex or an alcohol beverage. (Both of which I thought about continuously throughout the afternoon.)

Allie had a fantastic time, which is great, because we are done with parties as of yesterday.

 We just are not "birthday party people."

We are sweatpants, netflix Ireallyjustwanttostayhomeandbecomfortable type people.

Plus, Allie is  entering into the age of,  I'm mad at you, so you can't come to my party....bullshit that girls do, and frankly, I just can't.

Also, I hate being social for everyone. I am only one person, in a family of introverts.

Do you have ANY idea how much small talk I pulled out yesterday?

Too much.

On the plus side, Soph has some covert bowling skills. Who knew?

Also, one of the few items  I own that belonged to my mother is a bowling trophy.

So random.

And awesome.

^^^^^ This is the cake that Allie has wanted for like, forever. For 58$ you could be the owner of this cake from publix. Yep, I am saying how much it was, for two reasons, 1. It's a CAKE that half the kids just ate the frosting off of, and 2. Half of it is sitting in my kitchen.

So, really, we paid 58$ for the Disney characters and the plastic castle.

Happy Birthday Allie.

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Thursday, March 12, 2015

To Allie on your sixth birthday....

Dear Allessandra,
Today you are six years old.

I just can't even comprehend how fast time is flying by. I know I say that every single birthday, and I probably won't stop saying it.

Allessandra you are  radiant.

 I know this, because I said it to you once, and you pressed me for the exact meaning of radiant, and for once you agreed without a single argument, that, yes, in fact, you are radiant. 

My bright light. 

Sometimes, I wonder if others can see what I see when I look at you. The white light that surrounds you is down right powerful. You hold this profound knowledge and influence that you haven't even started to tap into.

I literally pray every single day that you never lose that.
I pray that no one ever takes it away, and if they do you fight like hell to get it back. Because it is that light that makes you this incredible little person.

 Seemingly overnight you grew impossible long legs, with my quads, long fingers that paint magnificent paintings of flowers and gardens.

 You show me pictures, pulling information about the garden that I grew up next too, from no where.
I asked you how you know about that garden, and you say, "I just do."

That is something about you that I have just learned to accept. Your, "just knowing of everything." You have this steel trap memory that allows you to recall the color of my shirt the day you met your baby sister.

I am constantly impressed by you. Your enthusiasm and spark is intoxicating. I can't help myself, but sometimes I wonder how you turned into this impeccable human.

I know that you came from me, but I am don't feel responsible for how you are. I think your soul just is developed and brilliant. 

All I feel is lucky that you call me mom.

I will always tell you the story of how I wanted you so badly. How I dreamed that my dad was rocking a baby wrapped in a pink blanket, and looking at her lovingly, as he handed me a pregnancy test, telling me I was pregnant.

It was that day I found out I was going to be a mom. I know for absolute certain that my dad chose you specifically for me.  You are, and always have been my angel.

To my Allie bug, on your sixth birthday.
May you continue reaching and striving, and thinking and talking, may you continue to ask every question that pops into your head. May you make silly faces, and twirl until you can't see straight. May you continue to stand up to the bullies and hold doors for strangers.

I love you. Always. To the moon and back.


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Sunday, March 1, 2015

"I'm starting my diet tomorrow!" And other things you say to yourself..

It never did snow like they said it would.

They fear mongered all day. "State of emergency!" "Stay off the roads!" "We are all (most likely) going to die." "Be prepared."

As a society, we like to be enticed into panic.

We freaking love being told what to do, how to do it, when to do it.

We say outwardly to our friends and family, "I'm different, I stand out, If my friends all jumped off a bridge, you bet I wouldn't!"

I wonder if we all would, if the news told us too.

Or the Government? How about Facebook, or Pinterest?

It's not our fault that by nature we are all gullible as shit. Our soft hearts want to trust the meteorologists and the doctors that prescribe medications. The FDA that check the levels of chemicals in our food, we all want to believe that there is someone, SURELY, looking out for our well being.

Sadly, friends, I have to tell you. generally speaking, people want money. They want fame. They want air time and signatures and followers.

Lance Armstrong isn't real, and Nutella is not a healthy breakfast.

The media.. they don't care about you.

That's why you need to do your own research.

Most of you know that I hopped on the raw vegan bus and haven't looked back. Even though there are people that will try to force their fear at me. "You need meat! What about dairy? B12! FRUIT MAKES YOU FAT!" "WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR PROTEIN?????"

But they are only repeating the garbage that society has forced down our throats for years.

Understand that you need not go with what everyone deems "acceptable".

I have found that it is when I step out of my comfort zone, (for real) that is when the magic truly starts happening.
I could stay quiet about it.

I have thought about that.

What if I just kept this to myself and let everyone else follow their 1200/1600 calorie high protein, high fat diets, because that's just what you DO when you want to drop weight, right?

Well, if that is what you DO, then it would work.

It would work long term, and there would be no such thing as diet pills, meal replacement shakes, and binging out would cease altogether.

Can we all agree that low carbohydrate diets SUCK ASS?

 Ask yourself right now.

How much money over the years have you spent on diet related items?

I'll wait.

A shit ton, right?

Without your consent, you have been swept into the greatest money making scheme of all time.

The fear mongering people, tell you that you are fat, photo shop the "acceptable bodies"- lace your diet foods with chemicals and sodium and who knows what else, sending your body into a acidic catastrophe- which then causes you to be drawn to the "bad foods" but wait, you have a pill for that! You stuff more chemicals down your throat that fuck with your hormones, which sends everything into a panic causing more acid, and before you know it, you have lost ten or twenty pounds, you are starving and angry and emotional. You hardly sleep, your skin is dry and splotchy, same goes for your hair and nails, but you are happy because you are a size, whatever.

As soon as you start eating "normal" - your 1200 calorie diet has taught your body to store fat. So every single thing you put into your mouth sits around your middle and thighs.
Then, you say, "Enough!" I am back on my diet tomorrow!
But hold on. This time it's not working. It's not coming off like it did last time! So you think,  "I must try a NEW DIET!"
And there will ALWAYS be a new diet for you to try.

Do you see the cycle?
Then we wonder why we are sick, and starved and still over weight.

It is time we start speaking up. It's time we start speaking up for our bodies.

I told you before, that I wanted a new world for my daughters to grow up in. One that has women loving the hell out of their bodies. Feeding it real, nutritious foods. Not the kinds of foods that the government stamps NUTRITIOUS- but nature grown, organic foods.
 In abundance.

As far as this raw vegan lifestyle goes, I have already done the research and trials for you,
I know it works.

What about you? Are you currently in the diet cycle? Would you want your daughters doing what you do?
I am willing to bet you would do anything to save them from the years of torture that you have inflicted on yourself.

E book coming soon.

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