Tuesday, April 14, 2015
The day I met my mother...
"All of us are here in bodies, that we are convinced, is who we are."
We are just souls, borrowing bodies. Traveling through experiences and human interactions, trying to make sense, and learn lessons.
I do not believe in coincidences, nor do I believe that we are all here without a purpose.
I have a purpose, and so do you.
We stumble within our bodies, learning new tricks, and being influenced by the call of our ego, the "I" within us, that needs to be right, and heard, and have things, and thinks that obtaining material items will "make us happy."
The ego, it points out your flaws, it is jealous and loud, its only responsibility is to remove you, away from the higher you, that is the real you within your body.
I have honestly tried to come from a place of quiet contentment. To listen, and not judge. To help when I can.
To serve, because that is what I am here to do.
Writing this book has brought me to a dangerous place. There was a moment, a few days ago, where I was feeling unsafe. I had brought myself back to extreme abuse, remembering the terror and the desperation.
I was letting the feelings and thoughts control me.
I stepped away from the blinking cursor, and sat against the wall.
Pulling my knees to my chest, I fell into meditation easily. Checking in within myself, was a way of caring for the me that was telling these stories.
I knew that I could absolutely control these thoughts, and I am connected, and spiritual and totally fine.
That I am just a spirit, in this temporary body, recalling a time when I was in a younger body.
I know that I was always meant to raise these little spirits. That they chose me, specifically to call mom. They are my light, they are my purpose, and every time I come to a point where the writing is difficult, I am brought back to the reason why I am here.
Recently I had a meeting with a medium. Her name is Donna, and she is amazing. I know that my meeting with her was in direct link with my purpose of writing about my early life. I had high hopes of speaking to my mother, since I lost her when I was two, I have been walking around for 29 years missing her, looking for her, and feeling angry that it was my destiny to be without my mother.
As suspected, Jonah came through first, (more on that later) my dad, of course did as well, but everyone in that room, spirits included, knew that the real reason why I was there was to reconnect with my mother.
She did not disappoint. I have waited my entire life to hear what she had to say.
She was a bright energy and her ideas were cohesive. She wanted to tell me that since I have never had "closure" she wanted me to know that I needed to start coming from a place of "love" and stop living from a place of "not having" because I have always had it, just in a different way.
She explained that love never stops. She said, "I have one child in the spiritual world, and one in the physical world, and I wish I could wrap my arms around both of you at the same time."
She said, "I have never left you, ever. I have been there with you, even when you felt the most alone, I have heard everything you have ask, and begged for, and I have caught every tear that you have shed."
"You are not alone," She said, "I love you in the exact way you love yours, no difference, I wish it had been me, (to raise me) but I couldn't have done a better job."
"You have a beautiful heart,you are everything a mother would want in a daughter."
Through those words, (and I choose to believe that she was speaking to me) I was overwhelmed with peace.
Like a warm wave washed over me.
My step was lighter, my shoulders didn't feel so heavy.
My mother is a magnificent energy source.
She is love.
She is there every single time I snuggle my girls, or when I simply look at their faces.
She is love, so every time I come from a place of love, I am honoring her and our relationship.