Saturday, November 29, 2014

Baby yoga

 I used to practice yoga all the time.

There was a moment in time when I thought I would become a yoga teacher.

 I thought that I would grow my hair out super long and wear beads. I would be present and available and drop into a headstand at a moment's notice.
I would embrace veganisim and sip tea with motivational quotes.
My life, (as most of you already know) took a bit of a hit during that time and I was left broken and wobbly.
I met my yoga teacher on my mat during that traumatic time and silently prayed. Finding breath through the crushing weight was difficult, but somehow I did it.

It was the first time that I experienced God through breath. First time I would sit in meditation and ask for help.

When I was pregnant with Allessandra I did a few poses, but mainly ate and slept.
Over the years with the move and the jobs, babies, running, lifting, etc- my mat remained tightly rolled in the corner, collecting dust.
I would roll it out a few times, drop into downward -facing dog and find fifteen other things to do.

Just doing the motions of yoga was not enough. It was like sitting in church with hate in your heart.

Recently during recovery I came back to my practice with an open heart, with the intention of actually feeling something, and connecting.
I am not going to lie and say it was easy. It's not.
Also, extremely humbling, because there are things I could do before, that I no longer can do.

I can't remember which day it was, but I noticed my girls watching me. I was flowing through a sequence and breathing and sweating.

They effortlessly moved their little bodies along with me, copying my movements. We started practicing together. I showed them a few poses, and it wasn't long before they were doing handstands against the wall, and doing back-bends.
To them its a game, to me its another way of connecting with their little spirits.



 Especially Allessandra, who laces her fingers through mine and flashes me the biggest smile. Looking at these pictures I can't help but remember, it was on my yoga mat that I silently prayed to God for a baby.
Six years later ...I would say that prayer was answered.







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Friday, November 28, 2014

"Black Friday" Favorites...


Decor, arts and crafts to do the month of December, my green shake that I drink most every morning...makeup and pretty  nails...Friday favorites!





So did you get up and go shopping? I am baffled why they keep calling it Black Friday when stores open on Thanksgiving now.
I used to get up at 4 am to open the LOFT store, back when it was Ann Taylor LOFT and I was hugely pregnant with a baby Allessandra.
Now, I lounge around in my pajamas and drink large amounts of coffee.

Do you follow me on Pinterest? You should.

Check out above^^^^ my Friday favorites. I bought both rebel and heroine at the MAC counter this fall. I freaking LOVE them.
I found a pin that shows some of the dupes that you can seek out at your local CVS. Which is super fun and way more cost effective than spending 16$ per lipstick!




Just In case you want to shop online or head the the mall here are just some of the deals I found while looking around:

 CVS is having Revlon lipstick for 6.99 with card + 4.00 extracare bucks. Wohoo!


Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals

Some more

And some more 

Moms and Kids









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Thursday, November 27, 2014

How to find balance this holiday season.



First of all Happy Thanksgiving my friends. This morning as I was running I was thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years. All three so full of shiny shit and platters of delicious foods.
I can't look at pinterest for more than two minutes without getting hungry...and crafty.
Hungry and crafty- that's a winning combination.

As of today I am obsession free.
I have stuck to my plan every single day.
I am actively engaged in my life.
That means I approach Thanksgiving, not fearing, or calorie counting, point counting or anything, really.
Just eating lunch or dinner when it is time for me to eat and moving on.

Thanksgiving is NOT about food. It's about giving thanks, being grateful, appreciating our families, friends, kids...whatever.

I love having this zen like view of life these days. Meditating and practicing yoga is truly beginning to change my mentality. I no longer feel so trapped within myself.



So you are searching for balance? Great! Here are some of my tips:

1. Make a list of things you are grateful for. I know this sounds silly and if you don't want to make a list that's fine, when you meditating or doing yoga, list the people or things in your head and when you are feeling like you are having toxic thoughts bring your focus back to your gratitude.

2. Say No. and make it a complete sentence. You don't have to make cookies, pies, cakes, snowballs, fudge, homemade ornaments, wreaths, christmas trees..whatever you get the idea. Figure out what you truly want to do and do it. If you don't want to, don't. It really is simple.

3. Every morning take ten minutes to mediate. I have downloaded HeadSpace onto my phone and listen to it every morning. Set your intention for your day. Somedays, honestly, my intention is just to be kind.

4. Pray. Yep. I am a Jesus believer. I ask for help 99% of the day. Sometimes I hear nothing and sometimes I hear everything. If I am looking for inspiration I read a daily devotional or watch something inspirational like, Iamsecond.com

5. Run. Or jog, or walk. Just get moving.  When you are feeling crazy, just get out. For stay at home moms this can be tough if you don't have a treadmill. Either get up super early and get outside for 30 min, or leave as soon as you can. If you are a single mom and or don't have anyone to relieve you, most gyms are beginning to have specials and most of them have free daycare. Take ADVANTAGE! Also...strollers...or take the kids out for run with you. You get the point...right?


6. Namaste bitches. Hahah I have always wanted to say that. Yoga, for real, do it. Do it your own way. Youtube it, get a video. Attend a class. Just find a way to stretch and breathe. You will never, ever regret it.

7. Sit down and decide on the gifts you are purchasing. Either get out and buy them or buy them online. Wrap them when they get to your house. Without fail J and I are always frantically wrapping gifts Christmas eve, and every single time I am angry. So, wrap them when they get to your house and have the freedom of placing them under the tree and enjoying it December 24th. And if you are rich pay someone else to wrap them for you. Never under estimate the power and freedom of gift cards. Easy peasy.

8. If you do elf on a shelf, try not to get too angry about it. You don't have to do elaborate scenes every morning, twice a week is cool, or once, or none. When I was growing up we had an elf too, and he sat over the toilet and never moved, and we were still scared shitless of him.

9. Enjoy your food.

10. Lay off the guilt. In general. don't let other do it to you and don't dish it out. Life is too damn short for all that. Be kind to yourself and to others.









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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The day I was naked in front of a bunch of strangers...

What the fuck am I doing here?

 I stood in a corner of a high end hotel room. At least I assumed it was high end, it looked high end. I scanned my surroundings quickly taking in inventory of everyone about to see my ass.
Not too many. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10....OK that's not a lot. Right?

I pressed my terry cloth robe to my chest, rocking back and forth on my heels, peering out the massive window over looking Atlanta.

I just signed a nudity waiver. Five people just came to my trailer and demanded I drop my pants to look at my butt. That's normal right?


The two main actors took their spots in the bed, a crazy amount of work went into making it look like they were up fornicating all night.

I tried not to laugh at the weirdness of it all.

When you are an extra you are totally invisible. I mean, like totally 100% invisible. Once, while working on Drop Dead Diva, like the entire cast took a photo of themselves with my friend and I behind them, pressed against the wall.

We could have moved, but there would have been no point. To them we weren't real.

When you are a stand in or a body double, you matter...a little. Not enough to make actual conversation with, but the moment the main actor caught a glimpse of me standing in the corner, he seemed uncomfortable..for me.  He was all, ARE YOU COMFORTABLE? IS THIS A CLOSED SET?

I nodded.
Don't I look comfortable? 
Doesn't everyone stand naked in a corner with a bunch of people for money? 

I say naked, but I really had on a black thong and pasties. Which they brought to me in a garment bag, by the way.

My goal was to be Mallory (the character's) backside.
Focus. 

The director placed towels  over the monitors so people couldn't sneak a peek at the action. He shook my hand and kept eye contact the entire time.

I messed up a few times. I have to be honest. I had no clue what I was doing.

What the fuck am I doing here?

They honest to God could have asked me to tap dance my feeling, and I would have felt the same awkwardness.

And if you are wondering. Your dream about standing naked in front of a room full of people, the one where you experience a cold sweat and not too sure what to say or do?
It's pretty spot on.

After about twenty takes. (For real) It was over. I pretended I knew what I was doing. I pretended like I had done something like this a thousand times.
No one questioned or believed it was my first time being a double.

Come into shot, angle in front of the mirror, pull "shorts" as director called them, UP from ankles.
Pretend doing so is totally normal.
Exit to hallway. Pull robe tightly around chest. Look down. Plug in phone. Read book.

Before I knew it, I was in a van on the way back to my car...mentally  adding BUTT DOUBLE to my resume.








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Monday, November 24, 2014

Marvelous Monday favorites....and Christmas came early!





So I accidentally opened my Christmas present on Friday. To be fair, J should know that I am more impatient then the children, and when I see pink, something snaps in my brain, and I must tear into it like a rabid monkey.
Imagine my surprise when I saw a tiny tablet -a fire HD6  to be exact. Also known as: Christmas came early mo foes.
(correct spelling blogger, shut up)

J immediately put all my favorite books on it, and I took that as permission to disappear for a while.

 Shop Amazon - Introducing Fire HD 6 - The Most Powerful Tablet Under $100

^^^ Click the link to find out more information about it. Tablet is under 100$ and I personally like it because I can toss it into my small bag. Its extremely durable and stupid easy to use...and mine is pink, which is basically winning at life.
(It comes in different colors, to be fair) 



J and I also decided that we are getting the girls Christmas presents exclusively from Amazon.

  1. We can shop in our pajamas
  2. No back sweat
  3. No holding shit
  4. No lines
  5. No public bathrooms


 Plus when we go we always without fail end up spending 90% more than what we had originally planned. I see sparkles and suddenly am so distracted that I buy twenty seven lip glosses- and J is so over shopping that he just buys whatever I put in the basket in the interest of getting the hell out of the store.

So we have decided on getting the girls each their own child tablet. Because they are constantly fighting over the one we have-and the child version is ahhhhmazing.

Shop Amazon - Introducing Fire HD Kids Edition - Everything Kids Love. Everything Parents Want.

Go ahead and judge us. I'm good with that. ^^^ and you can totally hate me for posting commercial like links in here and thinking I am tricking you into it, HOWEVER I like this stuff and I believe in it. I also am purchasing it. And you should too- cause we can probably have a real life adult conversation while our kids learn shit on their new tablets.
High five!
While we are at it- who wants to have a book club with me? Anyone??


Books I am obsessed with and you should be too:









I am currently reading all three of these. At once. 
I'm talented.







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Sunday, November 23, 2014

As I tuck you both in your beds tonight...


May they always be passionate and sweet, may they fight fiercely for each other and for whatever they come to believe to be true.

May they be driven and dedicated, easy to trust and never settle for an after thought or second chair.

May they laugh till their sides ache and seek out hills to roll down.

May they never stop dreaming, or consider their dreams too far fetched or unrealistic.
May they turn a deaf ear to the demon that will lurk one day convincing them that they are "unworthy" or "ugly" - may they scoff at the mere thought of being "inadequate" -for they just know they are magnificent.

May they stay away from black lipstick....and boys in skinny jeans.

May education come easily to both of them, never threatening or cautionary. May they understand the importance of relishing in the weird and misunderstood. May they find a geek/nerd/oddball/straight theater guy/ (the last one if not straight will undoubtedly break their hearts ABORT ABORT) to hold hands and be eccentric with.

May they never be afraid to sit at the lunch table alone.





May they love passionately and fearlessly and realize that everything does not have to be perfect.
Like 5% of the population end up marrying their first love. For real. Even if in the moment it's hard to fathom.
May they value their virginity.
May they find a man that values their relationship with their father, and respects it.

May they never fear loss. May they understand that death is a part of life and doing so continues the cycle. Dear God, may they experience loss at an age in which it is inevitable and expected..

May they call each other for help and get matching tattoos. (In a place where it can easily be hidden and actually maybe don't do that...get something less permanent  no seriously.. I know you know about the paw prints..ahem)

Dear God may they understand that no matter how hard we try, we actually cannot stay eighteen forever and will eventually grow up and have real life responsibilities.

Dear God, may they do something they love- a leader or a follower whichever keeps them smiling with ease.

May they know how to say they are sorry, genuinely. May they be quick to forgive and slow to anger.

May they always know how much they are loved and wanted.

Amen.




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Saturday, November 22, 2014

A condition of being present


Sometimes life is grimy. Like that sticky stuff left over from trampled gum. It stays around for a while, collecting dust and cat hair and flecks of dirt.
I place value on appearing to be put together.

When I fall, and I always fall, I realize that the beauty of my situation is that I am, in fact sloppy and without grace.

The magic is in the uncertainty of a situation. Knowing that although I am the person in the driver seat of my life, it is totally ok to wreck the car once in a while.

I am imperfect. Stripping of that layer is ridiculously freeing- like why didn't I think of this before?

I can let go. I don't have to be angry. I, in fact, do not have to apologize for falling apart in the process, nor do I have to engage If I don't want to.
And most of the time, as of late, I just really don't want to.

I am so grateful for those that are patient with me. Handling me with kid gloves, recognizing that some days are just fucking awful.

The days where I am re living and forgiving- and re living some more, all the while trying to find the right words.

The magic is in the uncertainty of a situation.

There are no rules, or chapters, notes or sidebars. This is just me being tired of the mediocracy of "pretending to be fine."

I took pictures of the girls yesterday. Dressed them in crimson dresses that reminded me of my Samantha doll's Christmas dress, with its rough taffeta layers. A moment passed as I watched them scamper up the hill- and I thought, I am grown up. This is real life. When did this happen?

Its time for me to start forgiving and moving on with my life. Dumping trash where it belongs and untangling grief's boney fingers from around my neck.

A very good friend of mine told me to look at my girls every time I feel like a failure. Look at them and participate.
I spend so much of my life on the sidelines letting my emotions call the shots.
Too much chaos - She's in my seat! She stole that! MOM!!!!!!
And sometimes you just want to crawl into a drawer and be put away for a little bit. After a while a little bit turns into a lot- and missing stuff is a thing.
As I work on my health every day- keeping my focus is vital. I choose to look at what I have accomplished thus far, even if I have to admit that most of the time I was (and am still) white knuckling it.


 
















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Friday, November 21, 2014

3

I know my last post "One day at time" was a little unsettling  to some of you, and I appreciate you reaching out to me, from the bottom of my heart. First things first, I am OK, I have mentioned in previous videos and posts that I have struggled with an eating disorder for many many years. I have hid it out of shame and placed band aids on open gaping wounds in order to convince you and myself that I am perfectly fine. The truth is I am not. The truth is I need help. I am receiving that help and am working on myself in order to heal and experience total recovery. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I believe that my higher power (God) that I choose to call him, is working through me and with me to help restore me to sanity. Having an eating disorder..and owning the fact that I do means a lot for me. It means that I no longer own a scale, it means I no longer participate in the portion of WW where I know my weight change. It means I eat within the parameters allotted for me by myself and my sponsor, it means I no longer exercise as punishment for excessive calories. I participate in exercise that makes me feel strong and capable. I do not body check in front of the mirror or pinch my stomach/thighs nor do I participate in "fat talk" "diet talk" or own or purchase Fitness/beauty magazines. I limit my Facebook time and IG time, and unfollow those that would fuel my need to compare and pick at myself. 
I no longer blame myself or others for my issues. I am working one day at a time to restore my health Physically, Mentally and emotionally. 
If you feel like you are suffering from an eating disorder or know someone who is please do not think you are alone. Please visit NEDA for resources on where to find help. 

What works for me:
Physical- Every morning I do yoga. I run at least 30 min or lift. Nothing excessive or obsessive.
 Mental - I meditate every morning. I pray, I write. I take three deep breaths. I plan my meals.
Emotional- I let myself feel. I help other people. I hug my kids. I reach out to my friends. I smile.

If all three of these are in tact...then I am in line with recovery.

I do not let myself be angry over small insignificant details.

My house will be messy, laundry will pile up, milk spills, nail polish shatters.

Life happens.

I am 100% in control of how I react to a situation.







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Thursday, November 20, 2014

Inspiration....




Let's face it. Working in a gym there is not much room for "cute". Sometimes I like to look like I actually tried, notice how I didn't say try- I said Look like I tried.

More on this coming soon....xoxoxo






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One day at a time.


Recovery feels like holding a plastic bag over my face. While one hand claws at it, the other one reaches for duck tape.
It's like that. A dance of contravention.
I say, "Help me."- and we move to distraction and sobriety and I fall to my knees and ask for freedom.

I have to let go.
Don't they understand that's like jumping off a cliff for me? Don't they understand my fears and insecurities?
Letting go feels impossible.
I have to pray.
Don't you understand that I do but all I hear are my own words and the crushing silence that follows.
I have been here before. Don't you get that? I have done the work and cried my tears, and here I sit mascara smeared begging to be released from the supposititious plastic bag over my face.
I am tired of fighting.
Yet fighting is the only way, isn't it?
I don't want to be here, but here is where we are.

Day 1 starts all over again. I crawl to stand, wipe my face, roll the plastic bag into a tiny ball and shove it to the bottom of the trash bin.
I wont wrestle with you today. I will not negotiate with you today. I will keep getting up.

I refuse to hide, or to cower. I am not afraid of you.

A part of this stole my brother from me. You invaded him and his thinking, made promises of freedom, tormented his soul into believing he was not strong enough.
He left me before he figured it out.

I'll figure it out.

One day at a time.







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Tuesday, November 18, 2014

32 degrees


It smells like snow.

 I stepped out of my car tonight, and stood in my driveway for an inappropriate amount of time, letting the air hit my face, and sting my nose.


It smells like snow, without the threat of it.

Just the chill that hangs in the air.

I forgot what it feels like to have numb finger tips, to scurry to my car before the coldness turned to an acute heat resonating down the front of my hands.

I don't own gloves.

Out of principle.

I moved to Georgia so I wouldn't be cold.


My girls will never know what it is like to shovel snow. To scrape off frost with their finger nails, or be in awe of icicles.
They will probably never dance with their boyfriends in the falling snow, or scamper off to a pond to ice skate all day.

They will never know what it's like to really sled ride, so fast and dangerously that the threat of an actual trip to the ER is real. Like really really real.


 Standing out there breathing in the coldness, brings me way back.

No matter how hard I try, the cold will always remind me of home.







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Friday, November 14, 2014

Week Wrap up!


Happy Friday!!! Highlights of the week!





We had a very productive week!  Sophia napped four out of five days...which is a total WIN in my opinion.

Friday Favorites:

I am totally obsessed with Ed Sheeran, "Thinking out Loud"
And omg have you heard Taylor Swift's new album....so amazing.

My favorites on that (besides all of them) "Clean" "Wonderland" "Bad Blood"

Books that I have read or am reading this week: For Today, No Jury will convict me, Picture Perfect, The Kind Diet, The Fixed Trilogy, Grace's Guide, Confessions of a fat marathoner

...Yeah I am slightly obsessed with the Jodi trial in case you were wondering.

I ran six miles today and fueled with dates and coconut oil, which actually worked so much better than Gatorade and Gu.
Book that has inspired this: Thrive

I am thinking of running another Half this spring with my very first time goal.


I lost all four pounds that I gained from Halloween candy, and have not even been tempted to go outside the lines since.

Getting actually excited for the holidays fast approaching.


Follow me on Pinterest



Have a great weekend!!!
xoxoxo












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Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Picture perfect


This morning I looked at my phone like I always do, and happened upon a family picture that was floating in my news feed.

It was an old picture. I probably was 7 or 8. It was a picture taken on the deck, like most of our pictures were. Set up on a tripod or propped up against something. This was back in the day when an automatic timer was the "new thing" and we would giggle every time  mom or dad would slide into the picture, quickly plastering a smile on their face, as if they had been there the whole time.

Funny, looking at their faces, I can't tell who it was this time.



Although it probably was my dad, because mom looks like she's ready to be done taking pictures, and my dad hardly ever smiled, at least like that.

My brother Joe, the one on the top right, took this picture from my grandpa's album, maybe grandpa snapped the photo, or perhaps it was our obligatory family photo placed in Christmas cards.

I am sure they sent it to family members because we are all, for real, seriously, smiling.

Some people have commented that looking at the photo is "still tough" - that seeing us all together like this, drives home the fact that now, 23 or so years later nothing is how it used to be.

I like looking at the picture. I like remembering how sun burnt I was, and how I loved that shirt but also hated it because it constantly slipped off my shoulder.
I can't be sure but I think mom was sick here, she looks abnormally frail, she battled throat cancer and beat it. We hardly ever talk about that.

I remember coming to the conclusion with dad's doctor, out loud, that nothing is impossible, he can beat this, and anticipating the oncologist to agree with me.

He didn't though, and I remember being stunned into silence.

This cancer was not like mom's throat cancer.

I don't think of that much when I look at this photo. I think of how happy he looks, and how after the photo was taken how we probably all dispersed into different directions.

It's funny what we remember when we look at photos. I wonder all the time what  stupid things my girls will remember about Josh and I.

My many mistakes and mishaps, I am certain are not lost on Allessandra. Although I mess up a lot with her, lose my temper, patience etc, I am always conscience about the way I influence her feelings.

We might not always remember the things people did, but we will always remember the way they made us feel.

Looking at the picture, me with my boy haircut sat in the middle on the grey wooden bench, in the summer time, on that particular day, I felt loved, and happy to be a part of a family.



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Sunday, November 9, 2014

For the love of Jodi


"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." Psalm 34:18 18-19


I spent the entire afternoon trying to put what I am feeling into words.

I have written notes and scratched quotes into napkins. I squeezed fat tears from my eye 


ducts and choked back tiny hiccups of grief.


You and I love in the same way, and yet not at all. 


I am full of emotions and fire, quick to anger, quick to fix, quick to keep you safe.


When we first met I loved you instantly. 


It took you longer to realize it.



When you were near me hours swept by. 




People irritated us in the same way,and we could speak a thousand words with a single look.

I've known you long enough to forgot some of the  things that used to make me smile.


And yet,


I know you were the first phone call I made, both times when my life was completely altered. 


I called you to tell you my dad was sick. I called to tell you Jonah and dad had died.


You showed up to the funeral, after only knowing me for a blip, half a second, you drove hours just to  show up for me.


When others tip toed around me, you never faltered. You refused to let me crumble. I distinctly remember hiding behind you for an entire day, worried that maybe I might explode from heart break.


I leaned so heavily on you and I am not sure you really knew. 


If we are being honest here, and I am all about honestly, I think you might be the strongest person I know. 

Fiercely loyal, stubborn as hell, a fighter to the core.

I am so proud to call you my best friend.


I just thought it was time for you to know.










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Saturday, November 8, 2014

"When I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe.."



Don't you remember not feeling good enough?

Feeling like a life away from the spot you sat was impossible.

This was before they said "you can do anything."

I never believed them anyways. I never needed anything more than to come home to a warm house and be wanted.

Shifting out from under that invisible barrier feels liberating.

Like I finally left and didn't turn back.

I've left the same relationships a thousand times. I was never good at cutting the cord.

There was something in the finality that always cuts me off mid sentence.

I am not skilled at saying all the things I want to say. I say fifty things in my head later on when I am in the shower, licking my tears and cussing you out.


I've said i'm done in my head millions of times, just to call you again.
Like a compulsive disorder.
But you never pick up.

And when you do, you say just enough to bring me back in.

Last night I dreamed I was being chased.
 Ran up a flight of stairs with a group of men yelling after me. I pushed a heavy door closed and braced myself against it. I distinctly remember crying out "Daddy!" which is ridiculous because I never called my dad that.
Instantly he was there and stood next to me, encouraging me to hold the door by myself.
He said, you can do this by yourself. 

So even though sometimes I feel like I am drowning, I let go, still letting go, and breathing.














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Friday, November 7, 2014

Friday Wrap up


SO yeah.
I failed at Halloween.
I'm over it.
Looking forward to moving on to November. Thanksgiving is not too difficult for me, I very rarely have the urge to binge on turkey. Plus I am getting up early and running 7 miles, just for fun. Last year I did my first half marathon on Thanksgiving and although I bitched the ENTIRE day, and ended up eating my dinner in BED, it was kinda cool to eat without thinking about it too much.

Girls are finally feeling better, spider bite is healing and so is my thumb.
All in all I feel like we are all in a much better place.





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Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Doing Life.. one day at a time


Sometimes I feel terrible at life.


 I teeter on, half ass most everyday.

Yesterday was abysmal.

You know that scene in Divine secrets of the  Ya Ya Sisterhood where Ashley Judd is all, fuck this nonsense and leaves her kids.
 It was a lot like that.

(I just spent a tremendous amount of time searching for that part in the movie and no dice.)

Allie spent most of the morning throwing up. Sophia spent most of the morning pissed off.
I spent most of the morning wishing it was kosher to drink wine and tend to my children, while simultaneously cleaning vomit and negotiating with a three year old.

Sophia and I both got a flu shot, and subsequently passed out at 2 PM.
She fell asleep on the floor, I at least managed to hang some of my body on the bed.


This morning I feel like I probably got in a street fight with Mike Tyson and he focused primarily on my upper arm region.

While Sophia and I were knocked out cold, Allessandra amused herself by playing games on the laptop and telling her Barbies how she "took her coat off and threw up on everyone's coats."

I am super hoping that the last part of that story is false, but something tells me its at least partially accurate.

I did not give yesterday my all. I ate m&ms and popcorn, ginger ale and pretzels. Stuffing my face with whatever would momentarily make me feel like I wasn't stuck in a house with two crying kids.

I sucked in my stomach and stepped on an off the scale, terrible behavior that belongs locked up in my previous life.

When Josh got home I buried myself under my covers and read my sexy love trilogy book- which is sorta like 50 Shades, only without the beatings.

I'm sure he was expecting a great time when he crawled into bed next to me, except I had moved on to eating cereal with my left hand....(you know, cause of my right arm flu shot debacle) and talking about how I was positive I was going to throw up, because I had kissed Allessandra ON THE MOUTH ten minutes before she upchucked.

I really do know how to set a mood.



Yesterday sucked. Today is better.
The End.




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Monday, November 3, 2014

The Feature that never happened.


Yesterday a casting director called me.

She told me a director for a movie coming out next year, "hand picked" me to do a feature with the main actor.

It felt a lot like slow motion, like, here I was being offered an opportunity that five months ago I would have dropped EVERYTHING for, and now, yesterday, I had to bail.

I  can't do it. Not for seven days, not all day for seven days.

As of today I have Sophia full time. As in all day, everyday, except for the two hours at the gym when I am seeing clients.

When I tell you it broke my heart saying No, I mean it.

It was crushing. 

That part of my identity has to be shelved for the time being while I focus on doing the mom thing.

It's so beyond frustrating.

 I did spend a good fifteen minutes trying to figure out what the hell I could do with my kids for seven days, but no amount of bargaining would offer me a solution.

I was stuck.

It had to be no.


As I swallow my urge to yell at my kids this morning as they cry over spilled milk and crushed cereal, I consistently  am trying to stay present in gratitude.

Even when the nurse from Allie's school called saying she threw up on everything.

There is always a reason for why things happen. I am trusting that.






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