Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Dear J
So Friday is six years. Can you believe that? kinda stupid isn't it. I remember when going two weeks without talking to you or knowing what you were doing sent me into a whirl wind of panic. Hard to fathom that all this time has past and I still miss you the same.
Iris has playing all the time in my car...and I think you have something to do with makes me cry every time.
Remember when we were little and we used to play at the Holly Reservation and we climbed that big tree?
You were always so much better at climbing then I was, and you wanted me to step between branches and I was too scared.
So stupid that I remember that....but now I wish I had trusted you, because you already had proven yourself to me so many times...that when it came to me, you had my safety covered.

I wanted to tell you that every time someone asks me about my tattoo I smile, because I get to talk about you.
I think you were only on this earth for short period time, for me. Maybe that is selfish, but I don't care. I miss you sometimes so much it hurts to breathe. The waves come and go, but its always the hardest around this time.
I think its like trying to put a shattered mirror back together. It might be "put back together" but its never the same again.

In everything I do, everything I am-  you will always be apart of it.

I love you J.


Sunday, April 13, 2014


As I stood in the window I could see women passing looking in. They gave me that understanding look of compassion. Every. single. woman. that passed nodded and smiled as they glanced at my five year old sitting cross legged in the chair.
Allessandra decided in her own sweet decision making way, that she would 'like her ears pierced" even though she knew it would hurt. "I know what to do Mom, I will close my eyes and think of unicorns."
I watched her getting prepped.....and I felt my heart in my throat.
How can it be that all this time has past and my own daughter is sitting in the chair. I remember when my mom and Grandma took me, I think I was six, and I think the first pair of earrings I got were blue. I remember that they were proud of me for not being upset.
I told Allie that it was OK if it hurt, and it was OK if she wanted to cry, but no matter what it would be over in a matter of seconds.
I think I pretended to be calm, I think I said something encouraging, but all I could think of is how grown up she looked sitting there. How after the initial shock of the pain, she took three deep breaths and calmly held the mirror to look at her new earrings.

I am not she manages to be so awesome when I constantly feel like I am flailing.
I just feel lucky.