Monday, September 30, 2013


Loved the reaction to my last post!

To all my flat chested non boob club friends....High five! Girls are bitches.

Allie told me the other day that a girl in her class didn't want to play with her cause her skirt was "ugly".

I am pretty sure it took every single bit of self restraint not to call the teacher.

I asked Allie what she said back and she said,

"Uhh, I said OK, I like my skirt, so if you want to play Ill be over here."

I think I looked at her for the first time in that moment, my beautiful strawberry blond, with the big blue eyes.....I think she's going to be just fine.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Where I talk about my boobs.

When I was in fifth grade recess was hell.
Clueless had just opened in the theaters, which was both awesome and not so awesome.
Fifth and sixth grade was the low point of my fashion career, flannel button ups, ripped jeans and chunky boots were "in"- as I sit here drinking my coffee I cant really remember what we called it, but I remember being "preppy" was the kiss of death. They all knew that I was a closet "prep" and tortured me daily.
Anyways, Clueless came out, and Alicia Silverstone had ahhhmazing style, no one could deny that she made fun of the girl wearing the flannels and the chunky shoes- suddenly my group of friends switched it up, and we started shopping at the Gap, and Express...both stores that I had to save up months of babysitting money to afford. My biggest point here is, once those girls started wearing the tight laced tank tops, and the sweaters something happened to once again to segregate me from the crowd.
They. all. had. boobs.
You know who else had boobs? That bitch Alicia Silverstone.
I remember standing there wearing a shirt without a bra, because I didn't NEED a bra, and they were laughing at me.
Strange how I am 30 years old and I can still remember the hot pins and needles sprouting all down my back in that moment.

Recess the next day, the girls formed a circle and told me that they were having a "boob club" and anyone without boobs couldn't play with them.

I wish this story had a happy ending, like I went through puberty and sprouted Cs and walked out into the sunset holding my boobs, but that never happened.

As I got older, I got boobs twice in my life...with my two pregnancies. Even then, not so much.
After I was done nursing they shrunk back to the fifth grade.
Let me explain something here, because I think there is a misconception about plastic surgery. My decision to get my boobs done was not a fly by the seat of my pants type of plan. It wasn't like I was driving by a shopping center, saw an office and decided, "Hey you know what! Its been a while since I have been in excruciating pain! Lets go get some implants!"
I spent a good deal of time researching and talking it out with Doctors and I was VERY happy with my choice.
Do you have any idea how amazing it is to throw away all your bra stuffers? To gather all your padded bras and sports bras and donate them?
I never have to worry about something not looking right on me again.
And I will say this, because I know someone will ask. If Allessandra and Sophia turn 30 years old, have kids and are unhappy with a part of their body you bet your ass I will support whatever choice they make and I will most definitely buy them copious amounts of ice packs and chocolate to help them through recovery.

And just to be clear.
My boobs are way better then Alicia Silverstone's.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Day one

Yesterday Sophia covered her entire room with her own feces.

I wish this was the first time.

I have stopped and tried to potty train her several times, but is the day. Even though I can't really lift her- today she is learning where shit goes, and it does not go on the walls and ground into the rug.


Im all about visuals.

Allie stood in the doorway gagging and said: "Oh man... all over my princess book."
The worst part was that she fell asleep in it.
No, the worst part was that we had to clean up shit.

Wish me luck.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Happy Birthday Sophia!

Dear Sophia,

You know, looking back I had a hard time writing a birthday letter to your sister on her second birthday too.
And its because at two you both are such jerks. I hardly have time to go to the bathroom let alone sit down to write you a in point its almost 7am and a day after your birthday.
Oh Sophia. You are so awesome. So smart, so sweet, such a terror. I never had a child like you before, so you are constantly surprising me with your ability to destroy shit.
You climb EVERYTHING- like a monkey. We actually had to take the gates down because your dad and I figured...what was the POINT? When you basically could back hand spring over both of them.
You have this capacity for love that is so incredible to see in such a tiny person. When I came home from surgery two weeks ago, I don't remember much, but I remember you being visibly upset, possibly sensing that something was different, that I wasn't OK.
As I felt better you would crawl and lay next to me for long stretches of time....which is pretty incredible seeing as though I don't know too many two year olds that "hang out" with their mom in bed...unless they are hitting them in the head with toys or slapping them in the face.
But not you. You did offer me your blanket a few times, and try to stick your paci in my mouth....but it was all in the name of "comfort".

My goodness I love you Sophia, so much I think I just might burst.
You are my favorite reason to get angry.
You are my favorite person to put in timeout.
You are my favorite reason not to have nice things.

Happy Second Birthday baby girl, may we have a birthday date on my 94th and your 66th <3 p="">