Thursday, July 18, 2013

I am Cory Monteith's sister.



Dear J,
This week an actor died from a heroin overdose. Its been really difficult for me, to say the least, because everywhere I go someone is talking about it. I think I avoided hearing that word "heroin" at all costs ever since you died.
I guess maybe I just don't get it. Why it was more important than me.
I tried for a long time to understand it- I looked it up, don't laugh at me, I even asked some of my friends who used to do drugs. I sure wish we could talk about it, so that you could make me understand.

The other day I was pushing the girls on the swing, remember when we used to have contests? I always tried to go farther then you, but you always won, except for when you would let me win. The girls are not big enough to really full on play with each other, but Allie reminds me a lot of how you were with me. Patient and protective.
I really wanted you there at the playground.

I think you would be proud of me, of how hard I try to keep moving on and make something out of myself. Sometimes its so hard I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
Did you ever feel like that?

 I think you would want me to forgive people that say ignorant things about drug abuse.
But sometimes I say fuck you under my breath and want to write mean things to them.

I think I wish you told me about heroin- I'd like to think that I could have stopped you from it. I bet Cory's family (that's the actor who died) feels exactly the same way I did and do now.

I still keep your tee-shirts in my closet, I have your POLO vest, I think I'll save it till your son is old enough and big enough to wear it- I sure wish you could tell me what you wanted me to do for him. His mom tells me that he cries a lot for you, it breaks my heart literally- because I know that when you shot up with heroin you didn't expect to leave all of us.

I bet that actor didn't either. I think that's the worst part of addiction, the selfishness- you have to admit, you were certainly consumed with it- even the guy that found you in your apartment, he was so high at your service that he spent thirty minutes talking about time travel or some shit. It was awkward, and all I could think about was maybe buying him a sandwich.

I signed onto my AOL account the other day. I saw your name in grey as "offline" on the sidebar. I am pretty sure that's what taking a bullet feels like. I remember our last conversation, I told you I love you very very much, and I meant it. God, I meant it. I still do, you know, love you that much.
I think after five years I have learned a little bit more about why you did what you did. I watched a lot of Intervention, seriously, I forced myself to watch people shooting up, just trying to grasp what you did, cause really, all I thought you did was drink..
I guess I just want you to know that I understand your need to "forget everything" I get it. Sometimes I wish I could to.
I want you to know I forgive you.
I love you.
-S

1 comment:

Michelle Albright-Peters said...

((hugs)) to you. I can't imagine.