Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I've never heard silence quite this loud

I haven't talked too much about my experiences with PPD this time around, mainly because I have been in a type of denial that has become all consuming.
I sat in a waiting room this morning, on a ripped plastic chair, staring at a wicker table that held a 2009 edition of News Week, a torn Good Housekeeping and an old TV Guide, waiting to see a Doctor that would evaluate the level of my craziness.

How did I get here again.


I feel like a drone. Like a watered down version of my former self. I am calm, I am centered,  I am grounded....but I am certainly not happy.

I am content.

But how do I explain this? I am a medicated content.
I don't cry anymore
I can't cry anymore.
I am not angry, I am not sad, I am not excited or lustful or jealous or snarky or irritable.
I am not anxious or depressed or mean or emotional.


Until, well, you really piss me off.
Then expect a box of cereal to be thrown at your head.

I tried to explain this to the Doctor, while filling in the blanks of why I am like this- Why I need to be perfect, why I feel like a failure for needing to be medicated.

Why I feel like all my human interactions are faked. One big long charade- the right things to say, so as to not to appear to be in need of help, a smile here, firm hand shake there, Thank you, have a great day!
But.. behind this medicated mask I am furious. I am so fucking angry still that sometimes the magnitude of that emotion makes me shiver.

Why is it, that all I had to do was mention the death of my brother, and I came completely unglued.
There is more to this PPD than hormones. I am still sad. I am still mad. I am still not over this. 
Still.


I might never be.

And that's a tough pill to swallow.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Day 30+

This is where I started 9 weeks ago
Super motivated cause well, I just signed up to complete my very first TRIATHLON! Its the Iron Girl Tri taking place in Atlanta May 20th....I am super psyched and absolutely terrified.  

I will post my training schedule very soon....Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and long weekend!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Thankful take 2

My child is notorious for not wanting to nap/rest/sleep/close her eyes for any amount of time where she might miss something awesome happening. For this reason, and this reason alone I was a bit nervous to have her and Sophia overnight in a strange cabin on top (literally) of a mountain for Thanksgiving.
This is her finally succumbing to sleep at the cozy hour of 10pm.

At around 5am, both of my little turkeys were wide awake and ready to play-and since the sun was beginning to come up over the mountain, I dragged Allessandra outside with me to take a picture.
*It was a nice brisk 30 degrees out*
Wrapped nice and snug in her Dora blanket, we sat outside and cuddled. Perfect beginning to my Thanksgiving morning.
We then watched the Macy's day parade, drank coffee and enjoyed some french toast and bacon.
...while Latte gave Sophia some doggie love..
Then we were all set to eat some yummy food! (Sophia preferred to have some boob)

Look at that family love right there....Allessandra is super psyched that we are her parents, and we posed her for yet ANOTHER picture!
Love J's flannel....no, seriously..
Then after dinner it was time to hit the road, the very steep, OMFG we are going to DIE type steepness that you only see in like the movies. For real people, WE WERE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN.
Ten minutes into the ride, a not tired at all Allessandra tried to fight sleep again..
...guess who won?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

So Thankful

I am thankful for so much,
 but mostly for when Allie piles books by her sister's head and "reads" her version of the book.
For 11 hours of sleep....(I know HORROR she is sleeping on her stomach....I should probably just toss a few butcher knifes in there with her, right?)

 ....and for baby smiles...because without the smiles...whats this all for anyways?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

2 Months

Dear Sophia,
Today, November 20th 2011 you are two months old. I have to say, WHAT A DIFFERENCE four weeks made in your tiny life. First and foremost, the sleep, oh my heavens the glorious, magnificent drool invoking SLEEP that you have blessed me with. We are not talking about five hours here, but ten sometimes ELEVEN hours...I try not to talk about it too much, for fear that you will suddenly decide that sleep is for the weak, and I will once again be a walking zombie. For now, though, you seem to really enjoy your bedtime routine. I expect that you are very much like me and like things in order, chaos and surprises really piss you off, especially the introduction of a BOTTLE. The teacher in the baby room informed me, "She drank from the bottle, but it really seemed to make her mad."
Boy do you enjoy nursing, just the sight of the boobs makes you squeal with delight, sometimes when you see me, you start smacking your lips together...which is totally cute in theory, but makes me feel like Daisy the milk Cow.

This month I have totally fallen head over heels in love with you, you are so alert and thoughtful, such a different baby than what I am used too. You stare so intensely into people's eyes, that they always feel as if you are really listening to them, trying to grasp this whole "life outside the womb" business. Thankfully it doesn't seem to piss you off as much as it did before.
Sophia thank you for pushing your face right under my neck when you are upset, and for holding on to my shirt so tightly and for sticking your tongue out continuously just to make sure I am still holding you close. For flashing me smiles while you are nursing, and for letting me snuggle you for as long as I want.
I can't imagine my life without you, or really remember when you were not the first thing that Allessandra asked for. Your sister, without a doubt finds you to be the best gift she has ever received. You are hers, and always will be.
We all adore you Sophia, we are so glad you finally decided to smile back at us....it makes us feel less like crazy people.
I love you little one,
Momma

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Operation "No TV week"

I think most of you know that I returned to work on Monday.
Besides the lack of motivation to get out of bed, and the millions of bags I need to cart into the school- not to mention the boob pump that seems to be permanently attached to me......things are going well.
I am only there part time until after the new year, and on either side of my classroom, I own a child.
Sophia in the baby room, and Allie in the preschool room....it truly is the best of both worlds.
Plus everyday at 10am I get to nurse Sophia...which is like....amazing.
Anyways, as I was saying by the title of this post- since the arrival of my second child, my first born has been watching a hella a lot of Dora, to the point where she can recite an entire episode...the other day she told me that "Swiper was going to swipe Sophia....and we better stop him" Then she said something in Spanish and took off down the hallway.....

I think its the fact that I am unable to understand Spanish that is really getting to me...this kid knows more than me.....shit.

Since I am in fact a teacher, and Allie is only in school for four hours, I decided to do sensory projects with her, like making a box full of crap. Such as: colored pasta, spiral pasta, rice, feathers, pine cones, cups, spoons, and measuring cups.
Besides the enormous mess it produced, she played all content and stuff for a little over an HOUR.
Next up: Cooking. Everyone knows that I can't cook to save my life, but I was able to whip up a simple recipe for homemade Christmas ornaments....plus I made Allie do the hard part of stirring.
We pressed her hand into the dough, and then pressed Sophia's foot...super quick and adorable.

Next up, after they baked for 20 min we practiced painting.
Allie loves her some paint, but really what girl doesn't love HOT PINK paint?

Everyday after school we do some sort of project, I have found that the one on one time with her has really curbed her "acting out issues" plus by eliminating the TV in the afternoon it forces her to play outside, or with her dollhouse or even play dress up (which is my personal favorite)
Then, of course we spend time playing with Sophia...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Slow process

Day 3.

Day 17.

I do level 3 in the morning and then run 2 to 4 miles at night....the scale is not really budging as fast as I would like...I have about 8 more pounds to go......its a lot of hard work but its totally rewarding!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Are we there yet?

It started last week.
I think I could pin point it when I decided to take Allessandra to visit the elusive Santa.
Why do we do that, by the way? Spend so much time trying to make our children believe in something, hand wrap them fairy tales, promises of presents and magical reindeer.
We do it, cause we are selfish asshats, who want to live our lives through our children.

So- now, Allessandra wakes up every morning wanting to know where her presents are- when Santa is bringing her tel e scope ? Where is it Mommy? When is Santa bringing me my presents?


...When you stop peeing on the floor...when you start taking a nap....when you stop telling me to "calm down"....when you eat your green beans....when you stop biting your friends.....


"Christmas, honey, Santa comes on Christmas!"


The concept of time is lost on my almost three year old- yesterday is forgotten and tomorrow is only here, when its, well, tomorrow. 


I have a feeling its going to be a long November and December...

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Monday, November 7, 2011

A tad premature

Santa: "What do you want for Christmas Allie, a Barbie Doll?"
Allie: "No, I want a telescope so I can look at the stars."

Uh....who's kid is this again??

Friday, November 4, 2011

Motherhood

When your child pees in her pants cause she is mad, you can't strangle her.

When you drive your car into the side of the garage door because said child is PEEING in her PANTS cause she does not want to go to school- you are totally not suppose to flip out and scream at the top of your lungs.

Or smack them, or put a FREE sign on their face.

I did none of the things mentioned here...but Lord help me, I thought about it. 


This is her new thing, she doesn't like something....she shits her pants, or pees her pants.....what the EFF.

WHAT THE EFF PEOPLE?!

Do you understand the level of frustration that goes along with this? Child can't wear a sun dress because Dear Jesus its 45 DEGREES OUT- child doesn't care, child does not get what she wants- child pees her pants.
Child needs to take a nap....child shits her pants and paints the wall with it.........

Really?
Let me say again internet, REALLY?!

Motherhood....wtf?

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

WTF

How defeated does Sophia Look?


Sophia is pissed off like all the time...

But look! I said BOOB and she's all smiles!

Yesterday I went for a three mile run leaving J in charge....I came home to find this:

....The best part is J thought she hit her CHEEK with the exercise band...her cheek? Really? Cause it looks to me LIKE ITS HER FRIGGEN EYE???!

I swear that children were given mothers cause if it was up to the Dads they would never survive.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Weight

Let me just go on record by saying, LOSING WEIGHT SUCKS.

It means getting up early even when my body is begging me to sleep, it means busting my ass to the 30 day shred and moving up a level because , lets face it, if I am no longer sore it's time to move on. 


It means pulling on my running sneakers when my husband arrives home, even though I should grab a cat nap.

Losing weight means only one piece of Halloween candy, or two- not handfuls like I would rather.
It means choosing Salmon over pasta, steaming veggies and rice instead of pizza.

It means drinking water instead of diet coke, and saying "No, thanks!" to just about anything delicious.

But with all the discipline comes rewards, its going slowly, but the scale finally budged...while still keeping   my milk supply.

I am tired, but I am strong.