Monday, October 31, 2011

....Halloween in Paradise



OK F@#! it, HAPPY HALLOWEEN from my hell to yours....

Thursday, October 27, 2011

30 Day shred

So since I got the go ahead to start working out, I decided to try Jillian (Satan) Michaels 30 day shred.

So far I am totally loving it. Besides the annoyance of working out with big huge boobs, the whole routine is 20 minutes which, as a busy mom I love.

This is me Day 3 of the workout...with about 12 pounds to lose.

Last night I ventured out with my friends- didn't matter that I felt like I was sleep walking, I was hell bent to be away from my children for a couple hours.

I had two sips of wine and literally thought I was going to pass out in my salmon.

Also some douche brought their child out to dinner with them at like 8pm- and naturally the baby started to cry, so of course my milk let down with such velocity that I am pretty sure I could have sprayed the opposite side of the restaurant.
Stupid babies.

Exhaustion is a biiiitch.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Thursday, October 20, 2011

One Month

Dear Sophia,
Today you are 1 month old- not really too exciting you might think, but to be honest, the fact that you have lived four weeks is a God send. Lets just say up until last night, you spent the first four weeks of your tiny life SCREAMING- which totally brought back splendid memories of your sister. 
But as it turns out, you were not being a total douche, but were in pain from stomach acid...and since I carried you for 9 months and had heart burn so bad my eyes watered, I can totally relate, and sweet girl I am so sorry you were in so much distress. 
After a frantic call to the Doctor, after two days of screaming we are (both) on some new meds, and I think we are both doing much better.
Last night I rocked you to sleep, very quietly in your room, it was the first time that we were both calm, I thanked God for pulling me through the last couple of weeks and for giving me the courage to ask for help, because something I have passed on to both you and your sister is my stubbornness and NEED to DO IT MYSELF.  I truly hope that you grow up learning to ask for help when you need it.
Last night was also the first time that we really locked eyes, it was a very intense moment for me, because I am pretty sure we shared an understanding, and we mutually decided to not be too hard on each are doing a great job of teaching me a different way then your sister ever did.

Speaking of which, your sister absolutely adores you, who knows what kind of relationship you two will have, but know this, you are the first thing she asks for in the morning, and the last thing she wants to kiss and hug before bed. 

I can't wait to see what the future brings for you little one.
All my love,

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


Colic Reflux.

Saw a different Doctor today, one for Sophia, and one for me.

Sophia is on meds that once given to her- made her fall into a very deep deep sleep.......(WOHOO) poor thing has been in pain for a long time....

I start on medication tomorrow....I will update later..but just the thought of getting some relief has made me breathe easier.


I have no other outlet then this blog, and at this very moment I am about to lose my mind.
I feel like a terrible mother, one who is unable to console her screaming baby. The added pressure of needing to "keep it together" to not alert any symptoms of PPD is making me think that I need to be medicated.

Yesterday in the midst of a colic session, right after I wiped vomit off my chin, neck and ear, I placed the baby calmly into her swing and walked by the bathroom, only to find that my other daughter not only had unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper, but had what looked like her own poop smeared on her shirt.

Since I knew that J was lurking somewhere around the house, I grabbed my coat and phone and went outside.

I felt a little like Forest Gump at that point and just wanted to start running the fuck away.
I walked down the block, in the rain, and had no desire to turn back.

I kept walking.

The moving forward away from the house was the only thing that seemed to calm my nerves.

Eventually I reached the end of the road, and felt a dull ache in my chest- could be let down of breast milk, could have been the feeling of complete failure.
Either way, I sat on the curb and cried.

Since I felt like a homeless person and I had to pee, I slowly walked back home- to find the baby still crying, the vacum still running, dinner still on the table, the house still overheated....I closed myself in on the porch and sat on the swing, trying to figure out what to do next.

Does this feeling of failure mean I need to be on pills? Do I feel hopeless? (No) I know this gets better.

It just really really fucking sucks.

After our legit 6 hours of painful crying, the Doctors diagnosed our baby a colic baby -(NO SHIT!)
What to do what to do?
Besides slam a brick into my face over and over and over again?

You just ride it out....and breathe.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Stand still

Four weeks down and I have 14 pounds to lose.


I have two more weeks until I can start back exercising which seems like forever.

Anyone who has ever had a baby understands the frustration of only fitting into maternity clothes...even after the baby has been evacuated.

Nothing, at all, in my closet, fits.

Not to mention that my stomach is still crazy sore, I am talking like wtf sore.

I live in yoga pants. Which is like super hot and all, for the first two days....then I am all....maybe if I was a yoga instructor this would fly...?

I joined WW a week after Sophia was here, to make sure I was eating enough to sustain my milk supply, but to also lose weight.

I have lost 20 pounds so far, but I am at a stand still- I lost NOTHING last week, which is super annoying and frustrating.
I am not one of those women that loses weight while nursing, my body holds onto fat with both hands and will not let it go without a good hard fight.

I am anxious to get back into running...even if I have to start out walking first, I want to do yoga  and feel healthy again.
It seems like a long road, but at the end of the day I am SO happy that I am done being pregnant, and that I have my second child....and lets be honest, that I never have to do this ever ever again. 

Monday, October 17, 2011

Sister Wife?

You know what I need?

A sister wife.

I am not talking about four sister wives, or three, well maybe three, but for now one would be totally fine.

I just want a sister wife to care about J's bullshit and to clean my kitchen.

A sister wife would have come in handy this afternoon, dragging a cranky Allessandra out of Chik fi la as she violently kicked and yelled at the top of her lungs. We all know how much I despise carrying things, a sister wife could carry all the shit I didn't want- like my purse, my cell phone, or my child.

I wouldn't even be jealous of any special time that she had with my husband, as long as she got up once or twice with the baby- cause lets be honest, sleep is way more important than love.
Sister wife could be the "domestic" one, she could plan dinner and do my laundry, maybe do some arts and crafts? But I wouldn't want her to speak too often, just when she was taking my side in arguments with J.
Maybe I just need a nanny, or a maid.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Late at night

J may not have said I am "pretty" or "sexy" or noticed that I brushed my hair, but last night as I sat crossed legged on the bed on 2 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, slowly rubbing lotion on a very sad Sophia's tummy- he looked at me and said, "You are such a good mom."

It may not be much, but to me it was everything.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

"So Buddy how'd you Sleep?" "Great! I got a full forty minutes!"

like when you make coffee without putting a filter in first.


Monday, October 10, 2011

I need this

Source: via Katie on Pinterest

The Birth Story

I think I knew I was in trouble after wincing in pain as the nurse jabbed yet another IV into my wrist.

The sound of Drew Cary's voice filled the room as I kept rotating my wrist, "Hey babe, do you think this is suppose to hurt?" Babe,....? BABE...?  JOSH!"

He glances at me momentarily - all clad in his doctor uniform, for a moment I get a glimpse of what my life would have been like if I had married a nice Asian man who studied extra hard in college and made his family proud,  not like my husband who prided himself in drinking large quantities of Jack Daniels and inhaling boxes of Fruit by the Foot.

"Is the Price is Right more important then the impending birth of your second daughter?"

He pulls the mesh hat over his bald head, "Baby, its the Price is right."

Just as I begin to adjust to the pain in my wrist, the door flings open and the tiniest asian woman I have ever seen stomps in and demands if I have any questions about my spinal.

I want to say so much, but the glare of her diamond earrings causes me to momentarily go blind.

Josh, suddenly aware that I am about to go into surgery finds his douchebag voice and declares that the "bar was set very low for her, given the fact that in my previous c section the anesthesiologist  fucked up the epidural so bad that she wouldn't even attempt to fix it....out of sheer fear. 

She squints her eyes (I think) at Josh, and has me sign my death papers.

I think because I had an emergency C section the last time, my expectations were so different- the last time I was lifted into a bed, strapped down, and cut open without so much as a, "HEY WE ARE SHAVING YOUR GIRL PARTS NOW!" 

This time, I walked into the operating room, climbed up onto the table, and sat there for 45 minutes as the  tiny rich asian lady tried not to mess up my spinal. Turns out, I have a very difficult back anatomy. 

Who knew?

Finally I lose feeling in my legs, and am rolled over onto the table.

I hear my Doctor's voice and feel a sense of relief. The curtain goes up, and three people with face guards appear above my head. One of them is petting my hair, the other is guiding my hand into Josh's.

I suddenly really miss my mom.

I feel paralyzed with fear, I can hear something beeping rapidly- someone puts an oxygen mask over my face.

A group of students walk into the OR- I suddenly am feeling forty shades of pissed off, I hear my Doctor explaining that he is "Cutting through the muscle now"


I hope they are all taking notes.

Josh squeezes my hand, I feel a sense of calm- I start praying, almost just a mantra over and over and over in my head.

They always say, "You are going to feel a lot of pressure, but don't worry its temporary."

You know what she should have said? "We are going to take this elephant in the corner, hold it up with a crane, and then drop it on your chest, and then really smoosh it in there until we feel like we have broken your shoulder and crushed your ribs....OK?

But do I even explain the next part?

The feeling of freedom when they take the baby out, the feeling of being unattached  - the needing to hold her, to kiss her, the sound of her cry.
It was like a wave rolling over me, listening to her scream, I didn't even realize that I was sobbing.

Then everyone above my head vanished, and I started to puke.
And puke.
And puke.
And puke.

Sophia apparently was in distress, visions of what happend with Allessandra danced in my head, I was panic stricken - "Please God, not on my birthday, please let her be OK, please let her not be in the NICU."

They let me see her for a moment, and then whisked her away- just like last time, and I kept brushing tears from my face, as Josh reminded me that it was NOT like last time and I needed to calm down.

I spent an hour in recovery, which was just a place in a corner behind a curtain.

I tried to eat some ice chips but only ended up puking again.

*The puking thing never happend in the last c section*  I might seem fixated on it, but imagine the feeling of paralysis and then throw some heavy duty dry heaving on top of it.

*I am also pretty sure Josh will never find me sexy ever again.*

The rest of the day is muddled by drugs.

I just kept asking when I could see my baby. I think at one point I asked the cleaning service people when I could see her.

But then finally she was brought to me, sucking her thumb.....with this head full of hair brushed into a mohawk.

Its right then at that moment that the pain is forgotten, the fear, the discomfort, the whole nine months, everything is in that moment when they look into your eyes and know you.

It can't be explained.

Its an absolute miracle.

I just feel so unbelievably lucky.

....even if Josh looks at her as if she is a foreign object......

Sunday, October 9, 2011


Its very difficult to be so in love with something that causes you so much distress. Which I suppose is the theme to this whole "parenting business". With every age comes some sort of aggravation- this particular stage of life (newborn) causes my entire house hold to be one humongous bitch.

I am queen bitch.

Trying to figure out why the F*ck my child wont just f*cking sleep makes me want to repeatedly bang my head against something blunt and preferably sharp.

But newborns don't sleep- right? right? See, I am more rational this time around, I am in no way shape or form trying to get anymore than two hours of consecutive sleep.....but 45 minutes? 15 minutes?

Thats like being all warm and cuddled wrapped in soft fluffy blankets, only to have someone whip the covers off you- and drench you in ice cold water, kick you in the teeth and pee on you.

The pee part is actually literal, along with vomit on you, and or poo on you.

Let me be clear  here, I am not complaining - I understand the demands of this whole baby thing- but seriously, seriously, I would really like some sleep.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

My Day

You know when you don't want to dive into the ocean because its really really bone chilling icy? 

So you wade in slowly, letting your toes slowly uncurl - letting the top part of your stomach go slightly numb- until you can finally succumb to the chill and dive under.


How about when you desperately want to slowly get used to the water, but your douchebag brother pushes you in head first- or a wave knocks your feet out from under you and then suddenly you are stuck under water freezing from the shock of it all- and you just end up on shore shivering, wondering why you ever decided to go for a swim.

That has been my day.

Today was my first day preparing to take Allie to school, while carting the tiny newborn. I was obviously up all night with a very spitty screaming Sophia so I got maybe three hours of sleep. 
I dressed both girls, fed both girls, and almost successfully dressed myself in something other than sweat pants - I even remembered to clasp my nursing bra, I mean I was friggen WONDERMOM.

I bribed Allessandra with promises and strapped a screaming baby into her car seat and ventured out to the car- only to find that J had taken Allie's car seat with him to Atlanta.

Epic. Fail.

So. I got to figure out how to stay home with two children on 0 hours of consecutive sleep. While still being trapped at home.

Knocked on my ass I tell you.

As I was rinsing baby vomit out of my hair, while Allie was demanding more juice, J texts me this gem:

"This IBM meeting is at a really fancy restaurant" 

So much hate right now.

Monday, October 3, 2011


More of Sophia...I know I know

I am sorta kinda in love with the kid.

Not pictured is my first born directly behind her making sure her baby sister did not move out of her sight for one second.

Sunday, October 2, 2011