Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Week 38

J is still participating in the p90x fitness fad. I still can't believe he has stuck to something for almost five months- he legit wakes up at 4am to work out.

More importantly: What the hell happend to my belly button?
I plan on showing this picture to Allessandra AND Sophia when they want to get their belly button pierced. CAUSE THE HOLE STRETCHES. WHO KNEW?!

Gosh that was fitting talking about pregnancy no?

Friday is my last day of work- Do you understand how how I almost just peed with excitement while writing that?
I am planning on going back to work but right now all I can concentrate on is not having to get up at 6am....you know, until I have to get up every two hours....

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Pregnancy chronicles

Its been such a long time since I have gotten my period.

Bye bye male readers....sorry I just made you wince.

But all night and all this morning I feel as if I am getting it. The back pain, the cramping, the irritability, the one break out on your face that rears it's ugly mark once a month, right around the "Iamdueanysecondgetthefuckoutofmyway" -

I believe this is just a surge of hormones radiating throughout my body-  I am all, am I glowing? I FEEL radioactive.

J is super sure I could ooze acid from my finger nails if I concentrated hard enough.

I am positive that I am not hallucinating these twinges, because to be real with ya'll- I DONT WANT TO GO INTO ACTIVE LABOR IN ANY OTHER PLACE OTHER THAN A HOSPITAL BED.

In fact, I am super content with not feeling one real contraction, like at all.

Hense the C section date.

I could REALLY do without the annoying pains though. Braxton Hicks are dumber than the damn MALE that came up with them. I say F U Braxton Hicks- see also: timing a bowl movement that definitely was  "contracting" every five minutes.

At least this time I haven't gone to the hospital.

Like I did when I peed my pants.

This time I know what active labor feels like, and I know what it feels like to have a flood in my pants, which sounds sexual, until you hold up your underwear and ask your spouse to sniff it to see if its pee.
Which totally happend.
And he totally did not participate in my crazy.

And by the way, he cannot WAIT for this baby to be evicted.

Cause I am a total asshole.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Saturday Date night with my kid

Forgive me, these were taken with my phone. Dinner tonight: Waffles with Greek yogurt and bananas.

Early to bed.
Is it wrong that I am counting down the minutes before I get to put her in her bed so I can pass out?

Trying to get through this

Today was the first day that I cried.

I don't mean just cried like a tear or two, I mean I yelled at my kid, yelled at my husband, all the while trying to participate in the prenatal yoga dvd that was playing on the TV.

There is something about being in the downward dog position while it seems everyone and their friggen second cousin needs SOMETHING from you.

I collapsed on the ground in defeat- as my tiny daughter crawled onto my lap wrapped her arms around me and patted my back, while I soaked her with tears.

I hate myself for feeling out of control, I hate myself for sighing loudly when someone needs something from me.
I know what that feels like to want attention, to need attention and to have that person brush you aside, tell you to go away, or say that they just "can't deal with you" right then.

I don't want that for her.

My hormones are at like the tippity top that they can go- I am flustered and irritated and uncomfortable in this skin.
A part of me is content- another part of me is not.
Any given time of day it could change.

I am beginning to fear the arrival of the baby, wondering if I can handle both children, wondering if I will lose my shit and hide in the bathroom again- wonder if I will want to crash my car into a tree, or want to cry all day long.
Feeling out of control at this point makes me nervous. Like impending doom. I have to remind myself that I will have a beautiful baby out of all of this, that this is my LAST pregnancy, ever.

That at the end of the day I am healthy and happy- and I have help this time.
That I have at the most, 24 days left.
That I am a good mom.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

What's pissing you off today?

Surprisingly this post has absolutely nothing to do with getting the tiny baby out of my belly- I actually had a come to Jesus moment in the past couple days and decided that I very much enjoy sleeping.
I sleep much better when there is not a tiny baby squealing for my boobs all night long- see also: 28 staples of c section comfort/engorged boobicles and the weeping and wailing of my own tired face into my pillows  as I wonder WHY I ever WANTED the baby out of my body.

SO, well, I am content till the c section date.

For real.

What is pissing me off currently is preparing for the child, the constant process of trying to write lesson plans months in advance for my awesome substitute- who, by the way, could probably do them all on her own, but like, apparently I am the only one that can do mindless paperwork for hours on end. 
Also- preparing for my State visit/interview so that I can get my official license to teach- and seeing as though this is going to fall pretty much around the time that I am on maternity leave, I am wondering exactly how I am to prepare for all of this horse shit while trying to function like a normal person.

Facebook is making me want to set things on fire.
I hate it and I want to kill it till its dead.
But If I delete FB then how will I know what everyone is doing? Huh, HUH?
How will I be able to alert the world the very SECOND that Sophia is born?
I am pretty sure I am going to break up with FB.
Consider this fair warning needy fb friends.

There is something creepy about people noticing the minute you delete them as a friend- suddenly its like  you walked up to them in the cafeteria and bitched slapped their food off the table. They are all, "Why don't you want to be my friend no more."

And you are all, "Cause you suck. Hense the deleting of our internet friendship."

Thats what is pissing me off today.

What about you?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Love and IKEA

I have a crush.


I want to send IKEA a note asking if it likes me circle YES or NO.

I want to walk by IKEA and give it side glances and smile all coy and blow kisses.

This new found love is so unexpected I am a little breathless.

IKEA and I never got along when I lived in MA- there was something about the other 4billion people in SUVs lined up and backing up the exit, something about the chaos, the germs, the feeling of being moved like cattle throughout the maze that really made me think IKEA was a whore.

Yesterday I was so pleasantly surprised I nearly skipped.

Two things: 1. It was Saturday- however it was not over crowded
                    2. The deals were like, fall over flat on my face in sheer delight, 5$ Wok? YES PLEASE. 500 thousand tea lights for 2.99? UM, OF COURSE!

I mean we bought a child table and chairs for 20$ - I for real am having J go back and buy a second set for my in law's to have.

J spent all morning putting together furniture, while I spent days hours separating out Allessandra's books, toys, blocks, baby dolls, knick knacks, blankets, ect ect ect into pink and black bins.

In a matter of a few hours we turned our empty dining room into the girls playroom.

 I say "girl's" loosely, seeing as though clearly every single toy that ever existed belongs to Allessandra -even if its a teething ring, or a soft chewable book.
Or God help me, a newborn pacifier. 

Everything you see, besides the kitchen set and the tiny child was purchased at IKEA.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Drop it like its hot

I took my week 36 picture and baby Sophia has dropped so far down I swear I can feel her head directly in between my legs.

That is in no way sexual but mostly just feels as if I have a HEAD pressing directly on my bladder.

All the time.

Peeing is like an orgasmic experience and even when I am in public restrooms most women can detect the 9 month pregnant chick in the oversized bathroom- curling her toes and grunting loud moans of pleasure.

Peeing. Thats what does it for me these days.

Sometimes J peaks around the corner in wonderment, as I am leaning way over on the toilet.
You know, trying to place my hands on the ground to fully "empty" my bladder.


Sounds like a blast right?

Between the night sweats, the fever, the body aches the moaning and groaning and begging to end my life- J, true to form has been a total champ, even when I was in the middle of a mental breakdown over not feeling well and my right boob started leaking, like right in front of him.

He didn't even blink.

This is what happens with baby number two, J could operate a breast pump with one hand, WHILE cleaning out poop from the tiny baby's "girl parts".

Allie decided that her Dad needed to get prepared however, and demanded that he hold her baby doll.
The conversation went something like this: "NO, Daddy YOU take CARE of HER."

So J sat there on the computer holding the doll for over an hour.

Whipped much?

Here is week 36 pic, Its so much different than week 34, but like I said the baby fell in between my legs.

I kinda feel like I woke up from being in a coma or something- although if I am up doing too much I feel like I might fall over- but I am definitely on the mend.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Tuesday in Paradise

Sophia and I are having a disagreement about nap time.

Since this shit is already starting I had to physically push her out of my throat, since her new game is to shove her butt/feet as far up my esophagus as she possible can, while shifting all her weight (and yes it feels like a lot of weight in such tight quarters) to one side.

It looks a little bit like this, I believe that extra rounded at the top is her back or something- regardless I am half expecting her to come shooting out of my skin when she pulls stunts like this.

This was taken last week, day 2 of the bubonic plague...notice how my shirt does not cover my stomach..

This is Allessandra's response to taking pictures, I think this is her "blue steel" pose.

This is the ONLY good picture I got of the two of them. The others are of Allessandra running around naked in the backyard and posing all awkwardly on her uncle's lap. The last thing my brother needs is for me to post pictures of him with naked children on the internet.

Sunday, August 14, 2011


I have literally been in bed since Friday.

I have sweat through my sheets twice, changed clothes so many times that the laundry is piling up in the corner of the room.

I have taken so much tylenol I should buy stock in it.

And although I finally feel a little "better" I still feel like I ran 20 miles from the simple act of getting out of bed.

I am really hoping that I can get through work tomorrow, this is getting super old.

Friday, August 12, 2011

in other news

My visit with my brother was less then ideal.

I felt like I was lumbering about, sweating profusely achey and uninterested in doing much more then laying in between fifty pillows.

Tuesday night I spiked a fever of 101.

Being that it was 110 out that day and we had walked the mall, I chalked it up to "dehydration".
I sipped coconut water, took some tylenol- and felt- almost  better.

Because the water/electrolytes/tylenol/ rest - "helped" I instantly let people school me in the fact that I need to be drinking more water.

Well no shit.

Wednesday night was equally as shitty, the fever and chills returned, and once again I was scolded for not hydrating properly, even though all I did was gulp water and gatorade all day.
I started taking extra strength tylenol every four hours, and pretending like I felt "fine" even though I knew that walking to the car should not exhaust me to the point of needing to "lie down for an hour or four"

Thursday J and I had plans to drop my brother off at the train station in Atlanta, grab lunch and then hit up IKEA to shop for Sophia's room and the girl's playroom.

After my brother exited the car I pretty much let down my guard completely and waved my white flag.
 I was too exhausted to think about anything but going home and crawling into bed.

When I got home I called the  on call doctor at the hospital, only understanding half of what he was saying- basically the gist was - I either come into the ER or make an appointment with my Doctor.
Awesome. That's super helpful.

Once again I tried to convince myself that I was just not keeping up with my hydration and fell asleep at 8pm.
11pm roles around and I wake up uncontrollably shaking- like shaking in the the way I did after my c section- my entire body seized. I took my temp and was a little taken aback to see 102 to flash on the screen.  I stuffed some more tylenol down my throat- buried myself under six comforters and decided to wait till the morning to call the Doctor.

Long story short- I am NOT dehydrated but I do have a whopping case of the FLU.
As in, my brother who has been flying all around the world must have given me a nasty bug.
I feel so stupid for blaming how I have been feeling on being pregnant in August- also for ignoring my instincts and listening to other people. I KNEW that this is not how I normally am, getting out of bed should not make me dizzy and achy.

I spent the entire day in bed today, sent my little munchkin to school and had my inlaws pick her up and feed her dinner.
This tired momma needs all the rest she can get.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

My brother

Came to visit me from Australia.
Its been a very long time since I have seen him, so I was a little taken aback at his new healthy regime.
Waking up early to run.
Drinking bottled water.
Forcing me to walk with him at night after dinner.
And then ordering a cheeseburger wrapped in bacon, inside two krispy kreme donuts.
AFTER he had the entire left side of the Chik Fi la menu for lunch.

To be fair, he did get up and work out this morning....

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Welcome to my evenings

I woke up at 2am this morning to a tiny foot being lodged under my rib cage.

Yes she has done that before, however she has never gotten her foot stuck underneath my rib, and then pulled it back so violently that she made me pee my pants.

Because you know what's fun?

Simultaneously icing your ribcage, while laying on a towel- knowing that you still have five weeks left of this nonsense.

Monday, August 8, 2011

The almost big sister.

I think she may be beginning to look a little bit more like me.....just a little.

Friday, August 5, 2011


I have an ice pack in between my legs.

No, the baby is still in my belly, however If I straddle real wide and cough..I am almost certain the baby will come out.

Did you enjoy that visual?
You're welcome.

I pulled every. single. muscle. in and around my vajayjay region. 

Are you wondering how I managed to do this?


I ran full speed down a hill, 34 weeks pregnant.

From a king snake.

Oh, yes.

There are two things on this planet that I dont do.
Ok scratch that.
ONE thing that I don't do.
S n a k e s.

Nope. I honestly would have preferred twenty hairy spiders with FANGS eating a human in my shed, rather than ..that, that...I can't even say it.

After sprinting down the hill into my house, I promptly called my father in law- who showed up with a shovel.

The snake apparently made a quick exit from the hysterical lady and was no longer taking up residency in my shed.

This morning I woke up and felt as if I was hit by a bus, like I needed to pick shards of glass from my eyeballs....type of hurting.

Except the pain is not in my eye balls- its in my nether region - the place where babies are suppose to come out, causing me to waddle even more like a jackass.

As J watched me writher around in pain trying to get out of bed this morning, he says, "So, why did you keep on running...when you got to the hill, do you know how far away the hill is from the shed? And was the snake chasing you? Why did you keep on running?"

I decided to stab him once I can walk again.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Baby shop is closed

The first time I realized that I might be pregnant was some time in January when I woke up with heartburn.
Then came the constant need to pee, for NO REASON, and the upchuck reflex at the stench of human feces. (Which lucky me, I happen to smell daily)

I still remember hovering over a plastic dixie cup in the work bathroom- dipping the pregnancy test and biting my lower lip in anticipation.

...I remember thinking it just wasn't possible even though in the back of my mind I knew that it could be.

When two pink lines appeared I looked at it like there were actual words there.

Yesterday as I was sticking to the white paper that lined the examination table at my Doctor's office- I realized almost like it was whispered into my ear:

I never want to be pregnant again.

Up until this point I have been tossing the idea of getting my tubes tied, back and forth in my mind, hmmm and haaaing at the finality of the procedure.

Truthfully its not that I dont want more kids-  its that I am done being pregnant.

I never want to throw up so hard that it goes up my nose and I pee my pants (again)
I don't want to buy a whole new wardrobe, just to donate it and have to purchase even MORE clothes.
I don't want the fear of losing the baby, or the ridiculous awareness of EVERY DAMN WEEK.
And lets not forget the incessant questioning of strangers, "when are you due?" "You are so small, big, round, low, high, hairy, swollen, sweaty..."
And I am pretty much over visiting every single public bathroom that was EVER installed just to pee for 2 seconds.

Maybe its selfish- but I just at some point want my vagina/boobs/body back to myself, I dont want to spread eagle at every Doctor appointment and pretend like its not the most awkward position to be in with a male stranger EVER.
Its not like my Doctor is really a stranger...its just well, you know, its my hoohaa and he is  all down there checking to see if I am dilated and I can't even see behind the mountain that is my stomach.
Not that I really want to see anyways.

Its just odd- like having someone stick their finger up your nose in the middle of an elevator while asking how you are feeling.

I don't want to risk an "oops" or a "woops" ever. ever. ever. (again)

So I decided after Sophia, this momma shop is c l o s e d for business.

And finally making this decision feels damn good.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Start of week 34

Sophia is measuring 2 weeks ahead, and I am four pounds DOWN.  There really is something to this healthy crap free eating.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Getting prepared take 2

Allessandra is getting frustrated.

We have been talking about this allusive "Sophia" for 8 months, we have been praising her and building up this whole BIG SISTER thing, to the point where she literally has had enough.

"Mommy, where IS baby SOUPEEA?"

"You know where she is, she's in my belly."

"Get her OUT OF THERE!"

We feel the baby kick, we see the baby roll, we watch mommy wince in pain and hold back pee, we even pee with mommy 47 times while out of the house.......Allessandra is just as over this as I am.

I am  half thinking that she thinks my belly is her actual sister. 

Since she lifts my shirt in public to show random people her sister.

Boy, is she gonna be happy when she realizes that this isn't all just some practical joke.

There is another issue revolving around the "baby toys" suddenly Allessandra needs to hoard teething rings and soft chewable books, bottles get shoved into her doll's mouth and teddy bears are stuffed under her pillows. God help you if you try to explain the difference between her toys and baby Sophia's toys.

What's hers is hers, and what's Soupeea's is hers as well.

I understand though, why would a belly need a teddy bear in the first place? her logic makes perfect sense.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Pregnancy chronicles

I have reached that point in my pregnancy where I feel utterly disgusting.

Yes I am pregnant and its beautiful, blah blah blah- but lets be honest here- YES its August and I am due next month, and YES I start the 34th week of my pregnancy tomorrow-- and yet, I still have all of August and part of September to go.

No matter what -when you are counting down the weeks, the less the weeks, the more you feel like you just. can't. do. it. anymore.

Its like a marathon- I just ran fucking 20 miles and now I have SIX MORE TO GO?!

Pregnant women are really good at counting- we count months/weeks/days/ sometimes even hours I like to pretend that maybe the baby will decide to come early, like end of August early- even when I know that she probably wont.

Why am I in a rush to get this baby out?

Cause its old.
The sweating, the snoring, the weeble wobbling, the constant peeing, the foot that is lodged under my ribcage 24/7 - and oh, did I mention the sweating?

So let me just say this, as I am lumbering along here, dripping sweat, burping and eating tums like its my job, you would THINK that my husband would at least TRY to be somewhat supportive and pretend I look like a goddess.

But you would be wrong.

So very wrong.

I think I am really excited to get back to being "myself" again.

...You know, whatever "myself" is- with two little girls.