Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sunday

Do you ever want to kick yourself for ruining half your weekend by being angry?

I seem to do this ever so often- I spent the entire day yesterday in a pissed off mood, although I had a very legit reason to have my panties in a wad - I still was irritated that by the time I peeled myself off the couch, it was 5pm-which quickly turned into 10pm where I am listlessly watching Nick and Vanessa's Dream wedding on TLC.

I was all, Didnt I already see this douche canoe get married?


So I went to bed-determine to have a better day today.

We woke up at 8am (all of us) I totally wanted to high five Allessandra.
We got dressed and went to MIMI's where I had an amazing omelet topped with avocado / tomato juice and coffee.
I finished A stolen Life -The Jaycee Dugard story, then we all piled into the car once again to OldNavy (us and the rest of the world) We totally forget that school starts next week...

My daughter has grown a bigillion inches since her second birthday and has outgrown most of her clothes and shoes. She went from a 12/18mos pant to a 3t in a matter of months.
So naturally this was a great excuse to scoop up all the clearance shorts, skirts, and cutsie flower tops.

I thought I was going to want to look at baby girl clothes- but oddly enough I have 0 desire to shop for Sophia- It could be because I have 9 boxes worth of baby girl clothes, or I am dragging my feet.

Could be both.
Do you have any idea how long I have been waiting to say, "Oh I am due next month."

HUZZAH.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

My kid is an A hole

When my child does not nap I sometimes curse at her.

In my head.


I am in the position where it is not very easy for me to whisk her up and march her out to the car when she is throwing a hissy fit 3 feet away from the front entrance of my work.

Especially since, well, I am a teacher there and I am not sure any of my parents want to see me call my kid a douche and drag her out of the building.

Both of which I almost had to do this afternoon.

1. Its 105 out
2. I am ginormous
3. I sweat like a whooly mammoth
4. My fuse is what you would call, short
5. I cannot STAND when my kid is an asshole

All of which was put into play as she kicked and screamed directly in my face- Why? Cause she DIDNT WANT TO GO HOME.
Last week it was because she didn't want to go to school.

I suppose she likes her new teacher and classroom- but DAMN.

I promptly placed her in her room and shut the door.
Where she has sat for the past fifteen minutes playing with her dollhouse and coloring on the wall.

Touche Allie.

Touche.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

What did you do this morning?

I high fived myself in the bathroom naked.

No I am not a college boy who just got laid- just a pregnant chick in her 33 week of pregnancy that witnessed the scale flash a very happy number in my general direction.

OK. So maybe there really IS something to this eating clean and working out.

I have a number in mind that is scary. Its a big number that means a whole lot of work after the baby is here.

I don't even want to be remotely close to it, never mind OVER it on the day I give birth, the longer I can hold off that number the happy I will be.

*Happy wiggle dance time*

Monday, July 25, 2011

Kefir is gross, no way around it.

I definitely feel calmer.

Not sure exactly why, I would love to attribute it to the FIRST DAY of eating super clean- but I am not entirely sure.

I did sleep last night like I was in a coma- which is way better than waking up with a pounding headache.

Getting up early in order to make breakfast is a super pain in my ass- but I suppose its worth it.

This morning I made a mushroom omelet with some avocado/ - its a little difficult for me to eat so much in the morning and eating veggies first thing is not the greatest thing in the world, but there is no denying that it held off hunger for a while.
For a snack I had full fat plain Kefir...which is disgusting. No, seriously. Gag. I also added some coconut milk and a few blueberries. That too held off hunger- although I have to say, I really dislike blueberries. I know, shock right?

Lunch is tuna with celery, on spinach lettuce, with chick peas..piece of an avocado / 1/2 cup of grapes and a piece of super dark chocolate.

I have a training session tonight- I guess if I have done well today eating I should have oodles of energy and not want to curl up in the fetal positon and eat my hair.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Perfect 10

First of all, thank you so much for the emails, having encouragement feels truly amazing.

One of the suggestions out there was to try the Perfect 10 eating plan its really called a diet but I don't believe in the d word- so plan it is.
At first I was skeptical, seeing as tho I am entering my 8th month of pregnancy anything with the label of a "diet" or "weight loss" made me kinda wonder if this person realized that I was in fact preggo.

Turns out she does. This plan works specifically for women who suffer from hormonal imbalances. I am a full on advocate for eating the right foods to combat different aliments and tend to agree that anything "low fat" or chemically made is terrible for the body and mind. 
I am looking at YOU diet coke.   
This plan seems pretty reasonable - and I feel that perhaps the reason why I have been feeling so shitty lately is that my so called "trainer" has me eating protein shakes and protein bars more frequently than fruits and vegetables. I have been craving sugar like "whoa" and in turn it has made me feel out of sorts and bitchy.
Also, my kid eats too much sugar- I had a come to Jesus moment this morning and whipped both of us up an omelet with veggies, and a fruit salad- I fully expected her to push it away and declare it was "yucky" but instead she ate every single bite.

I was a bit in shock. Also the eggs were made with actual butter and not only did I not burn the shit out of them, but they were delicious and chemically free. 

I am still a bit skeptical about some of the ideas in the book, (yes having a NOOK is amazing and I was able to purchase the book three seconds after it was suggested to me, Go laziness!) Being advised to follow Step 3 of the plan for pregnancy certainly makes more sense.
Basically this is like a Doctor's version of the Daniel Fast. 

This morning I had: Three egg omelet with cheese and spinach/fruit salad (strawberries, melon and grapes) small low sodium v8/ piece of whole wheat toast with nut butter / and a hot tea. (Organic pregnancy tea)

Since I usually just have a protein shake with vanilla soy milk- having this breakfast seemed a bit "much" however I got this boost of energy and decided to go for a walk.
I have to say- so far I have 0 hunger pains, we will see how long that lasts.

This stuff has completely taken away my headaches. I have one first thing in the morning, one after a workout, and one after dinner.


Friday, July 22, 2011

...Time to take some me time

Everyone knows that I suffered from postpartum with my last pregnancy. Or if you didn't then, HI! *waving furiously* I was a complete NUTCASE for SEVERAL MONTHS!
Now that is cleared up- let me go on record and state that I am terrified of going through the same thing.

As these weeks fly by baby's arrival is approaching rapidly, along with mucho trepidation.

Mainly because as of right now, I am half a second away from filing for divorce, stabbing random people, and/or setting the building on fire.

I am a complete bitch. And as much as I try, I can't snap out of it. I have had one long string of headaches for three days straight- that right there would send anyone into a mental institution. Tylenol is a freaking joke, and I basically should be popping sugar pills.
J is afraid to look at me- for fear that his ball sack might be ripped from his body.

The only ounce of patience I seem to have is for Allie- who has morphed into this little "helper" who for real patted my back for fifteen minutes last night. 


I have voiced my concerns to my Doctor who then proceeded to ask me if I was a "victim of domestic violence" to which I replied, "No, but my husband might be.."
Doctor straight up laughed.
And no I don't beat J- I just fantasize about it.

Doctor assures me that if I am not OK after delivery and I am still feeling like hell then he will put me on meds ASAP.
I bit my tongue from asking him for medicine now.

I know that the ending weeks suck, I know that having a cold in the middle of the summer 8 months pregnant sucks way worse then anything.
I just think I really need to start taking better care of myself and taking a little bit more time for me.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

In case you care

I am super jealous of everyone who just had their baby.

That is all.

Monday, July 18, 2011

A positive post....Holy Sh!t!

I am DONE with my 120 class room hours for my CDA. This degree seems like such crap to me since I also hold my BA and am still paying off loans for it- but whatever I need the CDA to come back after my maternity leave, plus it opens up more doors for me in terms of what grade I eventually want to teach.

I can't even express to anyone the amount of stress that is off my shoulders. Do you have any idea how friggen monotonous taking online classes are? How annoying it is to have to do that instead of doing every other damn thing that I should be doing?

SIGH.

Now all I have to do is complete the portfolio portion and get observed by the State- but who gives a flying F? I no longer have to sit through classes about sexual abuse and cultural tolerance.

On a complete different/unrelated note I have hit that point in my pregnancy where non of my shirts fit- which is ridiculously inconvenient. You know, since I bought all my maternity clothes in size small and medium, never fathoming that I would become a weeble wobbiling whale.....again.

So anyways, I sport the bottom belly skin on occasion causing many reactions- such as, "You look SO cute!"
Really.
I don't find that cute, I find that freaking annoying.
Well, lets be honest, I find most things these days, annoying.

I have been keeping up with my trainer- minus the time last week when I was sent to bed with pre term contractions- but I honestly think that was because I was so stressed out I couldn't even close my eyes for two minutes to get my brain to rest.
But I feel rejuvenated.  Dare I even say positive?

Friday, July 15, 2011

Procrastination

You know when you know that there are things you need to get done, but then you decide to do EVERYTHING but those things?

I am stuck in that place.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

deep conversation

Josh
as you are laying beside me I feel its a very good time for us to have a deep meaningful conversation about my inability to sleep-and your complete desire to ignore my need to do so.
You clearly are unaware of my increasing need to stab you which is why I imagine, you are sleeping so peacefully.

Just so you know, I have covered your face with my hands three times so far, and you are some sort of crazed man who has adapted to adverse conditions and has figured a way to breathe while I plug both your mouth and nose.

This startles me a bit- and I am wondering if perhaps you took tylenol PM or chugged a bottle of whisky.

I suppose I wouldn't be surprised given my general mood lately. I do appreciate you walking away and not reacting in a negative fashion when I hurl remote controls at your face, or scream obscenities into my pillow.
I also think its pretty decent that you do not flip the f**** out when I wake up screaming from a charlie horse tearing up my calf.
..although, thinking more about that, do I usually wake up screaming? Shouldn't you be more, you know, concerned?
But thats just right where we are, huh? You are blissfully unconcerned. You sleep like baby bear all huddled in the corner wrapped in a comforter - since I insist that the house be kept at 23 degrees- otherwise I might burst into flames.
Its a wonder you are sleeping at all, given the fact that your lips have a slight purple tint to them.

I think that its great that you can sleep- wonderful that a small child has never kicked you so hard in the vagina that you peed your pants.
I think its great that its 2am and you have had four days of freedom while I stayed at home and tended to our daughter.
So great, in fact, I think you need to treat me to a weekend in Savannah.

You do too?
Awesome.
I am super happy that you agree.

Friday, July 8, 2011

No Idea what I am doing

It hit me the other day, as I was standing in the shallow end of the pool, waiting anxiously for my baby to come down the water slide.

I have no idea what I am doing.

I watched her march up the hill, her tiny frame in comparison to the other big kids who, in my opinion are too close to her, too rough, too loud.


Is it safe to let her go down the slide by herself? She can't swim, I can't see her, what if......

She doesn't want help, doesn't even want anyone to walk with her up the steep hill, "No mommy, YOU stay HERE!"
This is the trend that is beginning, her independence fighting with her need to still be a baby.

She is still my baby.

Watching her attempt to break away pulls at my heart strings, when she cries for me to pick her up, I desperately want to sweep her into my arms- when she wants her blanket or rabbit or cat- I want to nuzzle her and hold her close.

But its becoming apparent that I am becoming the problem.

I want her to be independent, but I still baby her. I give in too easily, pick her up, give her a lovey, crumble when she cries for me.

Even when everything I know tells me not to.

I am once again choking to death on guilt. I can't sit and watch Strawberry shortcake with you, baby, because I have to do school work/lesson plans/ put away the laundry, make dinner, empty the dishwasher, lay down, cry..."


..."but here is your blanket/rabbit/cat/..."


"Mommy, you sit right here with All e sawndra" She points to the spot next to her on the small blue chair.

And I want to.

I want to swaddle her in her Dora blanket and soak up every moment that we are alone together.

Guilt is a bitter pill to swallow. I am thinking that I am not sure how to do this all over again.
Thinking that I have no idea how to introduce a newborn baby to my sweet girl.
I have absolutely no clue what I am doing.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Disgusted

This is the last I am going to speak on this, because emotionally, I am spent.

I don't understand how we live in a world where a two year old can be tossed into a swamp like a bag of trash, and no one is held responsible. Where lawyers are toasting with champagne, hugging and crying, over their success. 


Who wins here?

No one wins.

No matter how you look at it, the situation sucks.

However, I never expected her to walk. Never expected her to be found Not Guilty on all accounts. With only a day and a half of deliberation.
Perhaps its because I am a mother, perhaps its because I was a victim of severe child abuse, or I know the pain of compound loss, I dont know,  but I feel something very sad resonating throughout me.

That poor little girl. No matter who did it, how it happend, she is dead, and she is not coming back.
And I will tell you something, that small child did not put duck tape over her mouth, stuff herself into a laundry bag, put herself into her mother's trunk, and kill herself. 
Nor did she toss herself into the fucking swamp.
The reason why they could not prove cause of death was the length of time that poor baby decomposed in the woods.
And who was responsible for leading people on a wild goose chase? Who was responsible for lying and bating police? Who was responsible for prolonging the investigation of her missing daughter for months?

Yeah.

The same woman who is going to walk out of that jail house on Thursday.

I am going to go hug my child a little closer tonight.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Tantrums

Let me go on record and say I hate the terrible twos.

Its not that I want my daughter to be a perfect princess all the time, its just I would prefer if she did not smack me in the face while standing in line at Starbucks.
For many reasons, but the most important one is that I want my damn coffee and if said child is going on a slapping spree, her ass is getting carted to the car- which is a lose /lose situation.
1. I don't get my coffee
2. She doesn't get a delicious pink frosted doughnut
3. I have to listen to her high pitch screams of anger- which totally bums me out, since I enjoy listening to my Sirius radio.
4. Also, I just got bitched slapped by my daughter in front of a group of condescending assholes.

*Can't blame them, though. If I had witnessed that as a non parent I would have envisioned beating the crap of the kid just to prove a point. *

But, alas, I dont spank.

The only other time this happend was in the airport, where I couldn't leave. 
That was fun.
Poor thing was ridiculously over tired and was throwing a hissy fit because she couldn't play with the water fountain. And by play I mean she couldn't deep throat the nozzle.
She did not particularly agree with J and myself, and instead decided to scream at the top of her lungs, slap J in the face and attempt to kick me in the shins.

If I could have taken pictures of the faces people were giving me, you would roll over and die laughing.
Most of them were in the category of: My kid has never flipped her shit in public.

Sure they haven't.

I would like to reign in the "violence" although I am sure she gets it from me.





Friday, July 1, 2011

quick

The sleep issues have started.

So now I am drinking a french vanilla coffee- hot. Even though its already 85 out.

Happy Fourth of July weekend!