Sunday, May 29, 2011


Yesterday was awesome.
Started my day off with coffee and a bagel, then got a pedicure, curtesy of one of the parent's at my school, knowing how badly I would need someone to rub my feet.
I think she did a pretty decent job.
We went to a water park, and had to quickly cut that trip short due to the fact that my little child prefers to be naked and doesn't understand that she can't just start stripping in public....not that it would be a total disaster if people saw her naked tush, its just *shudder* the germs and the chance of burning her tiny girl parts. Of course we had to leave, because as soon as we told her "no" she lost her damn mind.

....I don't know if its me, or her, or a combination of both, but lately my fuse is shorter than a midget's pinky.

I find myself counting to ten, to try to keep from ripping J or Allie's head off, for doing something annoying.
I am a teacher, I deal with kids all the time, I am especially no stranger to tantrums, being spit at, kicked, bit, or a chair being thrown in my direction, but for some reason when I see my daughter morphing into one of THOSE kids who is throwing her body down in the middle of Costco, I want to scream.
Scream; slowly rocking back and forth and scratching at invisible sores.
It infuriates me, even though I know that it shouldn't, even though I know that its the age, I just hate that in that moment she is getting the "spoiled brat" label slapped directly on her forehead in flashing lights.

And it seems the higher the decibles of my voice goes, the more J seems like super Dad, totally bending and swaying upside down and backwards to appease her.
Which makes me want to punch him in the throat.

The fatter I get, the hotter I get, the more annoying everyone around me seems.
And lets be totally honest here, a two year old that skips her nap is right up there with a root canal and a colonoscopy on the same day, (minus the drugs).
Which is pretty F ing annoying.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Start of week 24...

Finally had to succumb to the Georgia heat and buy a maternity bathing suit....

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

A glimpse into my day yesterday

This was my Facebook post from the morning:

Started my morning by weighing myself with Josh standing behind me making comments, went to the kitchen to make allie and I breakfast, get her stuff and mine ready for school ect and spilled a can of BEETS EVERYWHERE, while Allie stood there and demanded Juice and Dora, then to top it all off -out of no where my nose started gushing blood.
It has NOT been a great day so far...

Then later on, there was this:

:Just a heads up, don't go clothes shopping with your two year old, especially if the dressing room only has a curtain. I am super sure everyone enjoyed the free show, and also enjoyed Allie stripping out of her dress and walking around with a ginormous bra around her neck, shouting "TAAADAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Swollen and sweaty, with a side of bitchiness: Summer is almost here!

There is something increasingly annoying about a belly that continues to be commented on. At any given day I could be, "really popping" or "So SMALL!"
I try to shrug these passive comments, (which I am sure are to make me feel a certain way) off my shoulders and continue on my merry, (ever expanding) way.

The heat has arrived in Georgia, in full bitch mode. 90 degrees used to send me straight inside propped infront of a whirling fan, sucking on ice cubes. Now that I am housing my own special heat propelling -energy stealing, tap dancing child - 90 degrees feels unbearable. 
95 feels like hell, and 100 feels like I might keel over and die face down in a pile of ice cubes.

As we were driving to Publix the other day, I was busy stuffing my skirt in between my legs, ( I have since given up on shorts, since I feel that they pinch my leg skin, leaving a very unattractive heat rash) (and I dont like any of my skin touching any other parts of my skin...hence the shoving of the skirt)

 I was once again commenting on the screen on our new car that announces the OUTSIDE temperature, just to prepare anyone, who was unaware of their surrounding environment.
Which I usually am.
J glanced at me, and demanded rather douchley if I am going to complain about the heat all summer?

I responded by turning the ac on full blast, and announced that I was going to stab him in the eyeball with the blunt end of a knife. (I feel, if I am more specific and ironic with my method of stabbing, I am taken more seriously)
I think yesterday he sensed my discomfort, when I sat in an ice bath for 45 minutes, and joined Allessandra in her kiddie pool.
Also, when he witnessed just how fat someone's fingers and ankles can get....

Its like what the  the nice lady at CVS pharmacy said, while waving her hand in the general direction of my protruding belly, "You planned that all wrong, its only gonna get hotter."

Thanks ass face.

And Kelli, I swear if you tell me again that you warned me, I am going to stab YOU in the face with the handle of a shovel.

Or force you to go to Monkey Joes on a Saturday again.


Saturday, May 21, 2011

....The world is suppose to end today??

You're kidding right?

Wait, let me act like I care..
...her best "wringing of the hands" moment.

Least she still has her friggen  cat.

And NO, I did not stuff one of mine in order to bring them to Georgia, that one is in fact NOT real, however many times I jump out of my skin thinking it is.

Happy end of the world day.

And just to clarify, every day could be your last, lets not pretend we are ALL going to parish on the same day.

Unless we all drink kool aid.....hmm I wonder how many people will do that today?

Thursday, May 19, 2011


How friggen adorable is this? The only way it could get cuter is if there was a box of wet kittens in the bath tub.

Getting prepared...or not really at all

Sometimes I lay awake at night and construct funny blog posts in my head.
Last night I even went so far as to ALMOST get out of bed and 2am- but then reality set in, and it wasn't long before I was back to sleep.
Of course this morning I woke up, totally forgetting my hilarious post-one that I am sure would send everyone into a fit of giggles and clearly make you see how absolutely down right hysterical my brain is at 2am.

So, instead you get a stale  post about nothing.

Its not that I don't have things to write about, its the finding the time and the attention span to sit down and write-lately if I have two minutes I am doing school work- or doing squats.

J and I did have an epiphany last night while eating waffles and strawberries, it was all very sudden, in between Allie telling us about her favorite part of the day " I Go Home with Mommy" and me farting uncontrollably, (What? like you didn't when you were pregnant)  we are going to have two kids in three and a half months.
We are so far from being ready, like at all. For some reason it just dawned on me that I need stuff. Like, *gasp* diapers.

WTF are diapers? My kid's been out of diapers for almost seven months now, and I have been happily wiping my ass with 50 dollar bills.
Sad face.
We are going back to mustard poop and bloody nipples, oh and the complete lack of sleep.
Who's idea was this anyways?

Three months is a very short period of time, one in which I plan on burying myself in complete denial.
I feel more prepared, if I don't see the sledge hammer heading in the general direction of my face.

I like surprises. (Nope, total lie)

I decided that I am going to wait until after ultrasound #2. which is the second week of June, to determine weather or not my girl sprouted a penis, (WHAT?! You know I have issues.)
After that, I will get ready.
But realistically probably not until we come back from our trip to Boston....sooo in July, July will be a good time.
And thats like years away.

Friday, May 13, 2011

My baby.

I had this very intense moment this morning, one that I can hardly describe, but I want to try.
Allessandra peed her bed around 4am, given the fact that on most nights she avoids wetting herself and pees in the morning purely based on the fact that she's in a pull up, I just knew that the one night I put her in underwear she would get all confused and piss herself.
Mommy was right.
Anyways, since it was 4am and both her nightgown and sheets were soaked, I did what any pregnant mother would do, put her in her school clothes, and laid her in my bed.
Whats an hour and a half gonna hurt anyways, family bed haters?
As I was laying there, completely hugging the side of the bed -since my daughter seemingly needs to expand herself like Inspector Gadget, as soon as her tiny body is placed in the bed- I was noticing that the more I moved over, the more she followed.
...Like her damn father when hes cold.
It was very reminiscent of my one time viewing of a baby monkey riding its mother's back around the zoo, like wtf monkey? Can't you walk? Your mother looks dead ass tired, and your Dad keeps throwing his feces at her, give her a break for a sec, jeesh. Mothers always work the hardest.

I finally had to get OFF the bed and scoot her tiny tired body closer to her father, which was when I realized that she had her tiny fists wrapped around the sleeve of my shirt- just like she did when she was a newborn.
I hadn't felt those feelings in a long time, the maternal, omg thats my tiny little baby, look she YAWNED feelings, since she got big and developed an attitude.
It, combined with my pregnancy hormones almost made my heart burst.
I rolled over and wedged myself near to her, and totally watched her sleep like some crazed stalker. I hadn't noticed that she makes the same noises and facial expressions that she did when I held her to my right boob, or left boob, but my right one was the champ.
Where did all this time go?
Am I ready to love someone else as much as I love that little girl?
Am I ready for her to get older and stop finding comfort in being right next to me?
The answer is no.
This morning reminded me to slow down, the days are long but the years are short.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


I am sorry, I have been playing with my Nook.

No, thats not sexual, like at all.

J bought me a Nook, and downloaded two books onto it for me, plus installed the interwebs thus causing me to have the capability of reading and checking Facebook simultaneously- while also making sure my child is not drowning in her pool.
I have multi tasking skillz yo.

What I also have is a bladder infection. WTF.
To make my life in this heat more bearable my body decides to plague me with a 101 fever (like I need to be any hotter) and have me peeing shards of glass, every five minutes.
And the real fun part of this whole "experience" is that I got it.....wait for it, from peeing so much.
I am so damned if I do, damned if I dont. If I don't drink water I get dehydrated and trigger pre term labor (happend to me with Allie at 25 weeks) if I do drink water I bug the shit out of my co workers who have to give me bathroom breaks every half an hour.
Thus apparently ALSO causing bacteria to get caught up in my hooha.
It sucks.

And I am waiting - ever so patiently to pick up my prescription so that I can have some relief- see also, picking up a gallon of cranberry juice.

On a completely different note I just finished "Sing you Home" by Jodi Picoult it was...ok. 
She did do her twist ending thing that she is famous for, but it couldn't have been more obvious if I had written the book myself.  I didn't sob uncontrollably or feel uncomfortable, except for the baby stuff.
Its ok, but I wouldn't buy it in hardcover, not worth the money.
Ok I need to pee.

Saturday, May 7, 2011


I never understood the hysteria, the panic, the shaking hands, the high pitched demands, of a mother who lost her child.
I never got it, till today.
A spit second, and she's out the front door, the door that should have been locked, the garage door that should have been closed.

And she's half way down the street, standing in the middle of the road- her purple ribbed tank top and blue shorts, dora flashing flip flops- her hair in sideways pigtails-disheveled, dirty, messy.

My child is standing in the street.
My child is standing in the street.

My body sprinted to get to her, would have sprinted fifteen miles, would have lifted a car, shot someone, wrestled a rabid dog, just to have her in my arms. My body went, but my mind, my mind was still standing in the driveway staring at my child, standing in the middle of the street.

I never understood- how quickly they can go- how swiftly doors open, how smoothly balls roll into on coming traffic, how quickly children disappear.
I get it now, I understand it, and I am just so grateful, so utterly, unbelievably, down on my knees thanking God, grateful.

It should go without saying that as of an hour ago, both front doors have child locks on them.

And my heart rate has finally returned to normal.

For  now.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Mother's Day weekend....

I love this stage..she's playing "School" I took out my camera and she said, "Say Cheese baby!" Clearly the baby is following that not the most creepiest baby EVER?
The date is all weird on the picture, this is start of week 21 I adore this shirt I will be wearing a lot of it in August.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Where I talk about stabbing stupid people

I want to talk about fat.

Specifically people's dumbass advice.

More specifically people's comments about me raising my daughter (s) to (God Forbid)  not be (shhhh), fat.
I am annoyed, frustrated and needing to stab something fleshy.

Look, I have issues.

Its apparent on every page of this blog that I struggle to eat healthy, workout and maintain a healthy weight- but incase you were wondering- its not cause I adore running, yoga, or eating brown rice, I do it to stay healthy. So that I don't throw up my food.
Yeah, you read that right.
Its embarrassing- I spent a long time hiding it, in fact, most people don't know.

 I always assumed if I "got help" for it, I would get fat. I have sat in countless therapy sessions and "forgot" to mention that part of me.
I held on to that part of myself for a very long time, to have a sense of "control" if I was "bad"-

Does that make you uncomfortable?

It certainly makes me itchy and sweaty.

I gave it up when I gave birth to a tiny vagina.
Because I never, for one second what her to go through any of that madness.
Because she was/is perfect.

And God has given me yet another tiny vagina to take care of, one that will be faced with "fat talk" and will probably have some douche tell her that her thighs have gotten big.

I am only divulging  this bit of information to let you in on how ANGRY it makes me when people allude to the fact that Allie is so "skinny" so "slim" and I better "keep her that way" And lets not forget that my husband was overweight and people make disgusting comments like, hope she doesn't have his genes.

I plan on teaching my daughter(s) healthy habits, ones that I wish I learned a long time ago, I also plan on teaching her to love herself, and be accepting of others around her- even asshats who don't know better.

If I can spare her the agony of having to weigh herself to determine her worth, then I will have done what I set out to do.

Sunday, May 1, 2011


Start of week 20

Feeling pretty good, minus the heart burn. Because holy BURNING IN MY CHEST-I snack on tums like I did the last week of my pregnancy with Allie. This is me heading out to work off my fat thighs.