Thursday, April 28, 2011


I spent most of the night thinking a tricycle was going to come crashing through my bedroom window.
That, or a car.
Or maybe a Princess castle, or a steel chair.
Perhaps a tree?
I dunno people, but welcome to my hell.

I almost got up, thinking that it might be wise to move the child's toys out of the way of the momentousness tornado heading in our direction - but then, there was like hail and stuff happening outside, and with my luck I would have been whipped up into the tornado.

I joke, but it wasn't funny.
People were in full on panic mode, myself included, who (when is not pregnant will not shower or pee while a thunderstorm is going on) I contemplated not peeing and then I almost wet my pants.
I am not a fan of these storms, mainly because I have seen the destruction- the sides of people's houses were completely ripped off- plus having the added nightmare of having them hit at NIGHT, when you are all safe and warm in bed; its a little like Twister and Nightmare on Elm street put together in some sick distorted pregnancy dream.

If J hadn't been there, and talking me down from hiding in my closet, I would have totally slept with Allessandra in my bath tub with bottled water and flashlights.

I am not messing around with destruction like that.
But thankfully, both Allie and J apparently can sleep through a freight train racing past our house.
But they are so lucky that I was up protecting them by watching the news and trying to hold my pee.

We are fine, but lots of parts of Georgia were not so lucky- Its incredible the damage these things can do.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Easter Day

I love how super grainy this pic is, it totally takes away from the sheer happiness that my picture is being taken

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter Ya'll!

J's car has lived a long happy life.
When I first met him, his car was the "nice" car. I may have liked him slightly more because of the car, but what did I know, that was nine years ago.
Then his car started doing funny things, and more and more of our hard earned money began being shoveled into it.
Soon I started resenting it, the way it sat there all shiny and black yet forcing me to crawl through the passenger side window, because the door refused to open- the time the window fell into the door when it was -20 degrees out and we had to ride in it for an hour and a half-sending me into hypothermia.
Or lets not forget the time it wouldn't start for me-making me have to run home from the gym so I wouldn't be late for work.
Ever heard Adam Sandler's Piece of shit car? Google it.
Yesterday was the icing on the cake.
We went car shopping in HIS car, and it broke down TWICE.
T W I C E.
First the starter died in his parent's driveway, which is a 400 dollar part, Kaching, Kaching, then as we were literally driving to a car dealership, the car just flat out stopped working.
Oh, and also, I had to pee.
And it was hot.
And I was hungry.
Also J blamed me for the car breaking down, due to my "poor attitude towards it."

Long story short, we kicked that car to the curb, (traded it in- muahahha take that jerks) (Just dont try to drive it OK?)
and bought a PIMP ride.
Well it is two toned, black and silver, leather seats, sun room, sky lights, mood lighting, seats 6, has a COOLER in the back seat....navigation, blah blah blah- honestly the two things I love about it are: A. I can open the door, and B. I have a sunroof, (which I probably will never use since its so balls hot here)

Happy Easter!

Friday, April 22, 2011

A preview....of what life will be like in thirteen years

Do you see this?
Yeah, thats a real Coach bag she is holding-I would use it but she needs it to hold her cellphone and keys.

Be proud of me

I am having a crappy morning.
For no other reason then the fact that I went to bed all unsettled and annoyed.
I don't like talking about my brother (the one who is dead) with anyone really-its a little like feeling acid creeping all on the inside of my body, and then pretending like I am fine with feeling like my whole body is on fire.

Today is suppose to be a good day, because today I have a date with Jesus.
No, seriously, today I am getting baptized, which is fitting since its Good Friday, I live in the South, and getting baptized is kinda like going to a bar and singing drunken karaoke on a Friday night.
Kinda exactly the same.

I should be proud that I have consistently worked out everyday this week.
But that is in no comparison to J who has gone all Arnold on me and started body building, which is super hot and super annoying all at the same time.
Mainly because he works out at like 430am, basically two inches behind my head (through a paper thin wall) and the sounds that resonate  from that room both sound like he is A. giving birth, or B. getting it on with a hairy mammoth.
But I am ridiculously proud of him, and tell him everyday, even though he could care less that I did fourteen hundred squats this week, walked 10 miles, and  gave up cadbury eggs.
Anyways, I am going to try to stay positive today, happy and grounded.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and Happy Easter.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Catching up

I am feeing better.
Less chunky, less sulky, and certainly less stabby.

Starting Friday I threw myself into "fitting working out into my very busy life"

So far so good, I actually got up early and did 30 min of Denise Austin "fit and firm pregnancy" DVD-which is a little like wiping my ass repeatedly with sand paper, but nonetheless its "working out" and there are a lot of squats for me and my fat thighs.

Another change is I started wearing my running watch during recess time to see how far I walk.
Verdict: When I actually walk around, I can easily do a mile in forty minutes.
When I stand and blow bubbles or break up fights, I hardly break half a mile.

Another change-smallar portions. Still eating the same things, just half of it.

(no more cadbury eggs, or candy)

This weekend Allie decided to paint herself with poop-her own poop, which I guess is better than someone else's poop right?
I only slightly lost my cool, seeing as tho this is the type of situations I handle on a regular bases- but damn, she had legit feces under her finger nails, smeared on her face, shirt, and legs.
There was an actual moment where I stopped and prayed-and noted that I need to buy a box of latex gloves.

Then Monday morning started off with a new child getting so upset that they puked all over my rug and my shoe.
Which was a very pleasant start to my senses.
THANK GOD I WAS NOT STILL IN MY FIRST TRIMESTER or I would have puked directly on top of the poor child's head.

At least this morning I caught the vomit in my hand.
*Yes I was wearing gloves*

Saturday, April 16, 2011

More Weight Talk

Nothing like having your day ruined by someone commenting how how BIG your thighs have gotten.


It was certainly the slap in my face I needed to wake up and start paying attention.
Do I have fat thighs?
Would it matter if I did?
Did it make me feel incredibly insecure since I am unable to run five miles a day?
Did I go home and do a million squats and cry?

Let me be perfectly clear about a few things:

1. Even though I talk a lot about eating crap, and make fun of myself for doing so, most of what I am saying is an exaggeration. 
2. I DO NOT sit at home smearing ice cream down my face and eating spoonfuls of sugar-however much I wish I could still do that and not weigh 400 pounds.
3. I have had an eating disorder for a very long time, and I tend to make light of many situations where food, fat, and gaining weight come into play.
4. Being pregnant is not easy when everyone comments and critiques your every move, also not easy when you throw up for four months and suddenly find that the foods that you once liked repulse you. 
5. I realize that many of my posts contradict themselves, welcome to my hormonal hell.
6. I vowed this morning to fit in 30 min of exercise even if its 3 10 min workouts a day.
7. I also vowed to stop making the "I'm pregnant" excuse -and really be mindful of what I am eating, and stop being obsessive (both on my blog and when I am crying in a corner eating my hair)
8. I also vowed to stop listening to people's advice. Or to punch them in the throat when they say things I don't agree with.
9. The person who told me this does not have children, and did not mean to send me into a downward spiral of self hatred.
10. I DO have a serious problem with Cadbury eggs, and will be super excited when Easter is Over.


Thursday, April 14, 2011


'Check yo self before you reck yo self.'

Thats my slogan.

I threw away anything that I could binge eat.

sweet and sour gummy rings.
Cadbury eggs.
And all the other useless shit I buy at 2pm when I am in hyperglycemic mode.

Now I just need to avoid buying it.

I am currently taking classes to obtain my CDA which is an alternative plan to going back and getting my Masters, (for now).
Pregnancy really throws a wrench into life plans, especially any plans that have to do with me and MY life.
Trying to fit in class work right now is a little daunting.  (Its all online)
Mainly because I can't get up early-and trust me, I have tried but sleep always wins.
I am also trying to fit in the gym, yoga, or some sort of physical activity but I never seem to find time, mainly cause my two year old needs to like eat dinner, bathe and get to bed at a decent hour.
And by 7:30 I am so exhausted I am already drooling and speaking nonsense.

I thought you were suppose to have "energy" in your second trimester?


Tuesday, April 12, 2011


This should sum it up.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Moody Monday

Mondays are such a waste.

They are a day of disorganization, headaches, usually  profanity under my breath, and frequent silent prayers to Jesus for the day to just END.

 I like to hide under my covers pretending that my alarm is not going off, and deciding just how long is too long to avoid washing my hair.
Did that gross you out?
Well, I apologize. But I DESPISE washing my hair.
Which is interesting since I seem to have some sort of OCD issue with purchasing shampoo- as in, I like to buy it, but after I use it like twice, our relationship is over.
Aren't they pretty?
However using it, is like squeezing dish soap onto your head and going to town.
Translation: Its crap.

How did I start talking about shampoo?
Stupid pregnancy brain.

Yesterday I spent the most of my day parked on the couch eating bowls of ice cream, cadbury eggs, and watching Army Wives.

If the universe wanted to make that Sunday MY Groundhog day, I would be delighted.
Today will most defiantly not be as awesome as yesterday. Especially since I ate all my cadbury eggs.

Hope you have a decent Monday.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


TLC never fails to make me feel bad about myself.

Like that new Show "Extreme Couponing" Yes couponing is a verb: it means to coupon, TLC said so.

J and I suck hard core monkey testicles at shopping.

Spend 4$ on a box of cereal?

Yes please.

But no longer internet, when I shop I want to look like this at the check out isle.
This bitch bought 600 hundred dollars worth of groceries and paid TWO dollars.

Because, at the end of the day, we all know I am going to end up looking like this:

Perhaps I can find a happy middle place where I can not drop 100 dollars on crap a week.
But instead get 100 dollars WORTH of groceries but only pay 50 cents.
Or have them owe me money.

Besides, I need to start incorporating more vegetables into my diet, since this baby is growing purely from cane sugar, er, or is it High Fructose Corn syrup?
Which one is bad?
I am so confused.
I am having such a difficult time toning down the eating, I feel like I am a sixteen year old boy, with a bottomless pit for a stomach. And non of it is remotely healthy. Well, thats a lie, Captain Crunch is healthy, no?
They used it on Top Chef.
Thats science.
And a fact.
Also its a grain, and the internet says I am to have 9 and 1/2 servings of GRAINS.

At the end of the day tho,  I am starting to feel a little:

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Because I am crazy

When my Garmin tells me to turn right, I usually turn left, and get all confused and angry.

If you tell me "NO." I will do it anyways.

If I ask you your opinion, I will pick the opposite of your choice.

Because I am crazy, stubborn and indecisive.

Which is why they say Girl, and I can't pull the trigger to commit.

You say vagina, I say, but what if its a tiny penis?

You say, Do you see these three lines right here, thats a vagina.

But I still can't buy purple paint.

Same thing happend with Allie if you remember, which is why I was secretly routing for a boy, there is no mistaking a penis. A penis is a penis is a penis.

But there was no penis.

In four weeks if she is still a she, then I will commit.

I think.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Don't waste your money

About a month ago I went out and got one of those Gender Predictor tests. Basically you pee on a stick, swirl it around and its suppose to test the hormones in your pee to "predict" what you are having.

Its a load of horse shit, and has about as much reliability as the Brazilian woman in the gym, telling you that she just "knows" what you are having, based on absolutely nothing.

So don't spend the money on it.

Cause, well,
There was no penis.

Even tho from the moment I conceived EVERYTHING was different then with Allessandra, even though everyone and their cousin told me, "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE, ITS A B O Y!"

We are having a girl.

And, we couldn't be happier.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

4 months

This picture is a bit deceiving, there is no way I am that big, but factor in the end of the day and the angle at which I am presenting it, there you have it.
Finally feeling GOOD.
Things I am loving at this very moment.
If you are pregnant (which some of my lovely readers are..) Go to the Pregnancy and breastfeeding section, enter your due date and then proceed to see how much crap you are actually eating throughout the day.
Like for me, since I am in my second trimester I should be eating 2 cups of fruits which is like nothing, and since I am craving fruit it seems like all I eat is fruit and like practically 0 veggies.
Also, apparently I eat a lot of extras.
Like cereal, and more cereal, mmm cereal.

Also totally loving,
This site is amazing if you are new to yoga, old to yoga, or just too lazy to go anywhere and attend a yoga class.
I totally recommend the 50 min Prenatal yoga class, if you are pregnant or not.

I bought THESE today, and I am totally loving them.

All in all, fantastic weekend!
Anyone tried the Sketcher Tone Ups? Thoughts?

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Three years later..

Everyone remembers when I fell really hard on my knee last year, right?
I am so sure you do since I complained about it for months, and also posted so many pictures that my mother practically begged me to stop.
Anyways, for whatever reason this morning as I was pulling on my fat pants jeans, my knee began to ache, like not in a painful way, but in a sense to remind me, that even tho seven months has passed, it still is not fully healed.
Which reminded me instantly of the date today.  April 1st.

Three years ago I was a totally different person.  A person with a different life perspective, one who relied on others to make me "feel" a certain way. Three years ago, to the day, April 1st, many things have changed-but it was a phone call, stage four cancer, not long to live, we don't know how long, just come here... that was the catalyst for the events to follow.

Three years ago today I was unrolling a banner, standing in a store window, sipping coffee.
That person was totally clueless.
I remember bits and pieces of the rainy drive to the Cape, I remember wondering if I had ever seen my brother sob before.
The hospital was dark, almost wet with emotion, and my stupid tears that I couldn't control.
How many tears I wasted -when I should have been speaking-telling both my dad (and my brother, although who could have known that he would die too) how much I loved them, cherished them, thanked them for everything they did for me.
But if I said all those things, then it made what was happening very real.
Three weeks feels endlessly short when you are watching someone die-and I did not handle it well.
Does anyone, really, handle watching someone you love die, effortlessly?
Three years later those events forever changed me as a person, I know something shifted, died, was removed-some people live their whole lives only experiencing a death of a Grandparent, dog, cat, pet rabbit- but me, and my family, we lose people in groups.
And to be very honest, its fucking difficult to process.

Sometimes I am tired of being strong.
Sometimes I fall to my knees and pray for strength-because I am so tired of missing them.
And sometimes I hardly think of them, but its always stays with me, like a twinge, or a dull ache.

Three years later, I am a mother of a two year old, and four months pregnant, living in a different state, with a different career, and a completely different life perspective- I try not to go to bed angry anymore, I say what I am thinking to the people that I love, and I have found peace through trusting God, that through all the difficult times, the times when I clawed the ground to keep from standing up and facing the world, that it was all for a greater purpose..and even when I felt alone, or FEEL alone, I am NEVER really alone.
And it brings me peace to know that I can look back on that very difficult time, almost grazing my fingers along the pain of it all, just to be able to remember it, and verbalize it.

Because it never goes away, not really.