Friday, December 31, 2010

Day 4 R o c k e d-

No accidents and we were out in the car for most of the day! She even pooped when we got home.
It is so warm here today I got in a 2 mile run and we even got to play outside for a while.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Day 3

I sit here sipping my carbonated water and unwrapping a Godiva chocolate. Tis the life- wait, also- my kid, so totally rocked the toilet.
Its almost 5pm and we have had 0 accidents.
Thats fucking amazing.
Pardon me while I squeal with sheer delight.

So to all the flippant remarks from the assholes in my life, Yeah, you CAN potty train in three days.

Thanks for asking.
Also, I will be wiping my ass with 100 dollar bills.
Peace out diapers.
Its been real.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Day 17 Love promotes intimacy

How much of an effort is it for you to hold back saying something critical?

Determine to guard your mate's secrets.. really listen to them. 

Its pretty clear when both J and I have had it with the stupid book-we want to throw it in the fireplace walk away throwing our hands up and scream.
Although, the other day I had a notebook shoved into my face, with J's finger wagging at the text. "You broke this rule, this one, and this one."
So perhaps its working, maybe? Right?
I did punch him.
If I was on MTV I would have had a problem. Although -I didn't kick him down a flight of stairs, but I so would have, given the opportunity.
I apologized.
And to be fair, he so started it.
Anyways, shaking off that ridiculous fight-we are back to being nice. This morning he made me coffee, which was a very nice surprise.
And today I need to keep his secrets.
I am really bad at that. Like really bad.
And he knows it.

Day 2 of potty training

Potty training is going- excuse me while I jump for joy- AWESOME!
After a moment of sheer terror when I realized that I was not prepared to scrape shit off the hardwood floors, or wipe pee from the carpet twenty times a day, I decided that I needed to suck it up and just deal with it. Well it was more J telling me I better suck it up and deal with it. It sounded a lot like when I wanted to give up breast feeding.
"But my nipples are bleeding!"
"Shut up and feed our daughter."

The first part of the morning was pretty boring. The whole plan I am following requires me to quite literally be up her ass. Like sitting next to a toddler for 9 straight hours is something NEW and EXCITING for me, but I grabbed my laptop and put on The L Word and tried to make the best of it.
I just kept repeating "Tell me when you need to go potty" over and over and over and over and over and over again-until, wouldn't you know it, she friggen TELLS me she has to go potty.
Touche potty training pamphlet. Touche.

Last night was her first night in big girl panties-and she kept them dry.
All night.
She woke up DRY.
I am half a second away from trying to get her into some sort of genius school. You know, a school where kids potty trained early.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Practice makes perfect

I am so tired of feeling like crap.
My resolution  for 2011 is to get a new immune system-which sounds oddly reminiscent of last year's.

I have a huge test to take on the 8th-and I am not ready. Like, sliding into a seat, naked senior year of high school, horrible nightmare kind of not ready. Ever been there? I have dreams of stepping on stage and not knowing what play I am in, and have NO clue what my lines are.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck
I am so nervous, and so not prepared, and not at all sure how to prepare.
I feel like I am just going to show up and wing it. Knowing full well that I will have to re take the math portion-
Its irritating.
Its fifty thousands shades of irritating.
I realize that this is not the right approach.
Perhaps tomorrow I should start taking some practice tests.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Random Thoughts

Am pissed I dyed my hair and was only successful in dulling a tiny bit of the red.

Not happy that my hair still looks as if my scalp is bleeding

Thinking I have a hair dye problem

Am wishing that I had an appetite
Ate a slice of pizza and it was not even enjoyable-which defeats the purpose of eating pizza.
I could have had a huge bowl of spinach and would have felt the same
I managed a two hour nap this afternoon-only to wake up with my contacts stuck to my brain
Allessandra refers to Hershey Kisses as "happy" which makes me mildly worried that I have inflicted some psychological damage by rewarding her poops with chocolate.
Kind of wishing she would keep her clothes on.
Hoping that I am able to sleep past 5:30am tomorrow-fingers crossed that I wake to see 8am.
Thinking I am missing the Christmas gene. Wishing I could interject jazz hands into everyday Christmas talk.
Just can't seem to get it up.
Not even for Jesus.
Which is all wrong.
I need to go to a hair stylist.
Or a therapist.
Maybe both.
But first a Doctor- like a real Doctor and not an ER Doctor-ER Doctors are kind of like Mall cops-just saying.
I had a 103 temp, was coughing up green shit, and pretty much was dying on the floor and the asshat ER Doctor kept referring to me as the ASTHMA ATTACK and OHGODYOUARENOTWEEZING!
The lack of wheezing was really troubling the douche, I felt sorry for him.
The way he was marching around he kind of looked like a stunned rat in a maze-darting back and forth-cutting people off, writing prescriptions to ease people's tempers. "Sorry you have been waiting here for four hours and there is nothing wrong with you, but HERE IS SOME VICOTIN! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

About a year later

There is something scary about going off your medication. Even if you do it right, even if its time, there is always that doubt tucked way down deep.
When there is a twinge of sadness, when there is a little bit of boredom, tiredness, was that a tear?
Am I going downhill? Is this is? J looks at me curiously, studying me, squinting, kneading his eyebrows together, did I just see him wring his hands?

He is questioning me.
Any moment of crabbiness, any cry of annoyance, "Do you need to go back on your medication?" He says without pause, without -any sort of hesitation, as if he is just stating it.

He has done the math, cleaned up the messes.

You need to be medicated, it scares me when you cry.
He doesn't say it.
But I know it does.
 It, being me.

Let me know when you need to go Potty, Let me know, Seriously, LET ME KNOW

I am not sure I am so ready for this.


"Are you willing to bend to demonstrate love to your spouse?" "If it doesn't matter in the long run-especially in eternity - than give up your rights and choose to honor the one you love."

Demonstrate love by choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

Last night was tough. I seem to be missing a crucial aspect of this project, one that reminds me to not overreact when I am not appreciated- but I also have the steroids to blame for most of my aggression. So there is that.
J picked up a last minute Gift Card for Allie's teacher last night, something that I totally forgot to do. *High five* I was very pleased with that.

Today's dare is by far my favorite, more so for him, less so for me.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


"When you are looking at your mate you are looking at a part of you"
"Treat them well, speak highly of them. Nourish and cherish the love of your life"

Dare 11
What can you do for your spouse today? Can you run an errand, give a foot massage, rub a back, make dinner...? Do something for your spouse today out of love."


Finished my Christmas shopping today. I am so tired.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Love Dare coming to an ER near you

Long story short.
Couldn't breathe, ended up in the ER- rushed right in, thought I had a blood clot in my lung, went in for a CT turns out that real life hospitals are not as fun as Grey's Anatomy and apparently I kept asking them to page Dr. Shepard...bhahh which makes me laugh every time I think of it.
I have bronchitis which triggered a severe asthma attack.
I am gonna live though, just in time for Christmas, Fa la la la.
Since me hiding under mass amounts of covers totally ruined Day 9 dare which was choose to Greet your partner all happy-we are skipping to Dare 10 Do something out of the ordinary for your spouse.
In the past four days J has, made my holiday work party dessert, taken care of Allessandra while I died in bed, made my gift for my co workers, filled my tank up with gas and drove my butt to the ER and waiting with me for four hours.
I am not really sure what I can do for him.
I think being out of bed and on the couch will be out of the ordinary.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Day 8 Jealously

I am having a real problem because I am totally seeing that a lot of these issues in the book, I struggle with.
I am the one that is the hurricane in the relationship, I am the violent one, the hurtful one, the one who gets jealous.
But the more I read this passage the more I realized that J and I have always been really supportive of each other. He is always at every finish line of every race I run, always cheering me on to accomplish any goal I set out for myself. Hes an excellent cheerleader.
I realize that I compliment him on a daily bases -only to find that most of it gets brushed aside, that's because words of affirmation is not his love language, like at all -but its partially mine.
I do get jealous tho, and I do find myself competing with him on a daily bases, but when it comes right down to it, I AM his biggest fan.

 Reading this and seeing that we already do it made me sigh with a bit of relief.
"Love refuses to let Jealousy in." "A loving husband sees his wife as completing him, not competing with him."
"Determine today to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealously. Take  yesterday's list and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how happy you are about something they succeeded at recently."

I will not be burning anything in my house, but I will shred it.
Yesterday, neither one of us completed our lists, I was under 20 covers with fourteen ice packs strapped to my ass, praying that God would please just give me some relief from my ridiculous coughing and back/butt pain.
But what I have to thank him for is being such an amazing father. Its his best quality. Last night she was fussing and he got out of bed, got her some water and rocked her back to sleep.
Stuff like that makes me realize how amazing he really is.

He also sends me pictures like these, cause he knows how much I will cherish them.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Pain in my ..

I am sitting on two ice packs and four folded towels.
Remember when I fell on the ice yesterday? Remember when I busted my tailbone?
Pretty positive I snapped it. Fractured it, sprained it, torn it, slapped it, I dunno-I did something horrific to my ass. Enough that I cried about it.
Enough that I am complaining about it to people that most certainly already know about it. Unless you are a super stalker and created a "guest account" to read about my marriage and broken ass (yes stalkers I can still SEE YOU!) In which case, people that don't already know that I went to urgent care about my broken tailbone, I did.
And I am absolutely fucking miserable.
Send chocolate and vicodin.
Also, a babysitter.

Day 7 "Love believes the Best"

"You must develop the habit of reining in your negative thoughts and focusing on the positive attributes of your mate."

"Love knows about the depreciation room and does not live in denial that it exists. But love chooses not to live there.You must stop running to this room and lingering there after every frustrating event in your relationship"

Today's Dare: Make two lists, one side of all the positives that you love about your spouse, the other side all the negatives....

Thursday, December 16, 2010


I was being all cocky since School is delayed two hours cause of "ice" I stomped outside to take a picture of the "treacherous" conditions so that I could be all sarcastic and condescending to my southern friends who can't drive in the rain. I opened the door, stepped out into the driveway -and promptly fell on my ass. Like, in front of two neighbors warming their cars up.
Touche, ice, touche.
That's all ice

Are you a "calming breeze, or a Storm waiting to happen?"

"Love will teach you to forgive instead of holding a grudge"

"Being easily angered is an indicator that a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity is present where love is supposed to rule."

"Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation."

Make a list of areas where you need to add margin (be more relaxed) to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

When have you recently overreacted? What was your real motivation behind it? What decisions have you made today?

 I sit on the bed, sipping coffee and reading the dare-that's what our mornings or evenings look like these days, me reading something, while J pretends to listen. So much of this is stripping away all the crap and starting fresh. Trying to learn a new way to communicate, a new way to love.

Its tough.

I want to jump down his throat when he sighs, or teases me, any little problem we have I want to throw in the towel and say "FUCK IT! This is too much WORK!"
Its cause I am a quitter.
Something I flip through the book and hate every stupid page, because its work. Its hard. There are things in there that I don't want to do, in fact I spent a good portion of my day sobbing hysterically thinking of all the hurtful mean things I have said.
I know its working though, which is enough to keep going.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.
*what three things did they say, how did you handle hearing it? What do you plan to do to improve on these areas? Dare #5

This one is a little tricky cause it can't be those mean things you say through slammed doors, or right before you slam down the phone. Like, "You're an ASSHOLE!"
That's not constructive criticism.

I wont write my three things for him, since that wouldn't be totally fair- but his three things for me.
1. I don't seem to know how to save money
2.  I buy shampoo like its food
3. I go to bed at 7:30PM and don't spend time with him at night

All true.
I handled hearing it just fine, I figured these things bothered him. I plan on being more mindful about our savings and checking with him or our bank account before I buy anything.
*no more Shampoo!* I do have a shampoo problem.
My new bed time is 9:30PM.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I love you

when was the last time you spent a few minutes thinking about how you could better understand and demonstrate love to your spouse? 
Dare #4 Contact your spouse sometime during the day. Have no agenda other than asking how they are and if there is anything you can do for them. 

This one was a little silly. Especially since, A. we both hate talking on the phone to each other, and B. why call when you can just text?
So we both sent a text.
Also, I left my phone at home so I missed his loving gesture and his inappropriate racist joke.
Sad face.
Today was easy tho, cause we already did the whole "checking on each other during the day bit" I suppose thats a win for us.

This whole process is pretty emotional, you don't realize it until you are in it, trying to figure everything out. It all seems like tiny little acts of love, but really you are saying I love you, not I love you because, or I love you enough, just simply I love you.
Its pretty awesome. 

Secret Santa

My secret santa rocks

Monday, December 13, 2010

Day 3

love requires thoughtfulness-on both sides-the kind that builds bridges through the constructive combination of patience, kindness, and selflessness. 
Dare #3 Along with saying nothing negative buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today"

Well he totally screwed himself by buying me flowers yesterday-but oh well. Allie and I braved the cold (yes its around 11 degrees here, WTF?!) and got him his favorite cupcake from our favorite bakery.
Even though we are both watching our weight, I figured the true test of his love is if he decides to SHARE.
This is a super close up, to get the full volume of the chocolate chips.

He just got home with the exact same gift for me:
Pretty awesome that we think the same I guess, but damn thats a lot of cake

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Changing a few things

I am about to change my blog to only invited people....I know there are a bunch of you out there that read..even if you don't comment.
If you want to be added by email, please leave a comment with your email and I will invite you.

Holy Sh!t is it Valentine's Day?

OK. He may have won.
I picked out his clothes and ironed his shirt, also packed his lunch....we'll see if its received like I received the flowers, which was falling over, then of course looking outside to see if pigs were flying.....

Day 2

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, Do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. Dare #2.

This one is a little tougher, since the sticky note is stuck to the fridge- its almost a competition of who can do something for the other person first.
"Can I make you coffee?"
-Its already made, and I am enjoying it in my Boston common mug, mmm coffee is so delicious especially with Almond milk.
"Can I make you more coffee?"
-No douche, that is a lame gesture since clearly I only make enough coffee to ease my stabbing tendencies .
"You said Douche, you lose"
-Douche is not negative, its loving.

Its a little difficult to do something "unexpected" when they are expecting it. But we will see.
Yesterday's challenge of saying nothing negative was very interesting, since twice I had to white knuckle the counter to refrain from screaming obscenities.
The thing about not saying anything negative is the fights or arguments defuse so much faster than usual. Which I imagine is the point.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Love Dare

 "Resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative at all. If the temptation arises, say nothing at all. Better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret"  Dare #1.

I was complaining the other day to one of my assistants.
I had come to an abrupt halt in my attitude about my marriage.

Here we are in a new State, finally alone in our own house with our almost two year old, 0 communication skills, lots of bills, lots of stress, and me weaning off my anti depressants.
Lets just say, things got pretty chilly.

Little did I know that I was complaining to a Pastor's daughter, who produced "The Love Dare" in my hands the following afternoon.
"Try it." Was all she said.

For the past three days, I gave it a try.

Result: It works. Plain and simple.

The Love Dare from Mike Stecker on Vimeo.

In fact it works so well that I challenged J to do it with me. 40 days.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Its the holiday season

So, like, this whole Christmas thing has really been getting on my nerves.
I worked retail for four years so Christmas time was more of "just have to get through this month without slaughtering someone with a rusty pitch fork" but now, now I just can't wait to have 9 days (paid) off.
That's it.
I am looking forward to fuzzy socks, Real Housewives of Atlanta, and my bed.
Oh and potty training Allessandra-which is less fun.
Especially since she decided to squat over her doll, pee on her face, and then drop her into the toilet.
All this happened as I looked on bewildered from the bath tub.
I am wondering if the potty training thing is going to "click" with her, since she gets so much satisfaction from peeing on things.
Like, remove diaper, stand over her clothes, pee on clothes, drop clothes in potty.
I swear I didn't lick  paint chips when I was pregnant with her.

She must get this "disconnect" from her Dad.

Anyways, Christmas.

I dont know why, but I seem to be in holiday denial.
I actually need to wrap gifts and listen to some Christmas outside of my job.
Or maybe stop at Starbucks and get an Eggnog latte.

  Now that I am remembering last xmas, I think that drink kind of tasted like baby vomit.
I need some new traditions.
Maybe Google can help.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


Sunday I spent on the toilet.
Monday I spent teaching with a 102 fever with snot flowing out of my ears and eyeballs.

Today, I am blissfully home, drinking ThermaFlu and watching Micky Mouse club house with my tiny child.

My head doesn't feel like its going to explode at any moment, I am thinking because I got 12 hours of sleep...where I dreamed I slept for three days straight, missed work, and people thought I died-also, a python chased me through the woods.
Me sleeping in till 7:30 caused my husband to also sleep in till 730, because he is co dependant and apparently twelve.
Although, when I was twelve I was getting myself out of bed and off to school all by my little self.

Just saying..

Saturday, December 4, 2010


I did a front walkover two days ago.
I did it because I am a show off.
I think I slipped every disk possible in my spine, also my tailbone feels all funny-like its all contorted or something.

I only mention this because today I spent six hours on a cafeteria bench.

An entire school day.

Sitting on a bench.

My spine now feels as if I broke out into scoliosis.

I need the gym teacher to check my spine with a buddy.

No, seriously.

Do you know what six hours of class feel like on a bench?

Without a sore back?
Cause it is not a super awesome time.

The only awesome part of the training was the rubber frogs that were placed neatly along the table.
Perfect opportunity for me to make a tiny frog orgy on my classmate's arm.

Today I learned that in Georgia it is perfectly acceptable to beat your child's ass raw, but it is not OK to dip them into scalding water.
Also, bed bugs are fucking nasty, and are virtually impossible to kill.
Annnnd I know way too much about bacteria and diseases.

Stellar Saturday.

No, really.

*need heating pad immediately*

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Doctor appointments

Allessandra has bronchitis and a sinus infection, which is stellar since I put off taking her to the Doctor's for two months.
Which is truthfully the Doctor's fault.
Cause like, when one takes their child in to see a Doctor for a "cold" they are judged, charged a co pay, and patted on the head and advised to not "stress" over something viral cause isn't everything they can't fix
So finally after another sleepless night of coughing and this time wheezing, I bit the bullet and made an appointment.
And just like I expected on December 1st at 3:00 in the afternoon, I waited an HOUR to be seen.
An hour with an almost two year old is like forty hours- forty hours of sitting on hot coals, naked, while someone promises to bring you a cup of ice cold water, "In just a few more minutes"

Allessandra amused herself with my bag, wrote all over my math notes, smeared chapstick all over her face, and used my tampons as rockets.
That bag was like a toy box.