Tuesday, November 30, 2010

...But now I can't think of an awesome title....

So we got our couch.
Its brown and all adult like.
Nothing like the couch we bought from a homeless man on the side streets of Waltham, and clearly by buy I mean traded a bottle of vodka and made him lift it in the car.

At some point we just let the cats shred it so that they created a hole in which they could live in comfortably.


They did that to couch number 1, 2, and 3.



But this one bitches, is MINE.

No cats.
No fur.
No uncomfortable seats that press out so far that the cushion falls to the ground forcing you to continuously get up and stuff it back into the undersides of the base.
No more cursing, or stuffing your butt into the corners to stay put on the massive cushions.

This couch rocks.


A hesitant post title to this gem was "come sit on it, or Kelli come sit on it" and then I decided against that, you know, cause of the image...

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Moving Day

Look, I am not going to lie, I thought moving into our "own" house would be way cooler then this.
Except, J's parents took all their shit with them. Like, paper towels, toilet paper, mouth wash, and those ridiculously over priced Freezer storage bags.
Also, half of the pumpkin pie.
WTF.
I am of course being a spoiled brat- one who got accustomed to living with the "parents" for eight months. I totally took advantage of dinner being on the table every night, and never running out of coffee filters, much like I did when I was twelve, living with my own parents.
Getting back into the swing of things with my own little family is odd-very quiet without the barking dogs, and very lonesome listening to Allie cry for her  PaPa.
Opening up all these boxes is kind of silly, mainly because half of them are immediately being duped "trash" or "already have" or "WTF IS THAT?!"
Like the box of trash I opened.
Nice J.
Nice.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yup another disgusting "I'm Thankful post"

Maybe its because I am awake right now, when I should be sleeping, that I am finding it slightly irritating that every social network I look at, (facebook, twitter, and other blogs) I am bombarded with other people's mushy gushy thankfulness. Look, I am super happy you and your boyfriend are in love and you are thankful that he types in your monthly cycle into his iphone, (to remember to get you chocolate) but, seriously.
SHUT UP.
We know you are thankful for your kids and your awesome husband, your family, blah blah blah blah. Do yourself a favor and spare everyone.

And look people,I am thankful. I am thankful everyday, not just Thanksgiving.
Like, I am thankful for cold weather, so I don't have to shave my legs-I am thankful for Dora so that I can get my lesson plans done. I am thankful for coffee so that I do not commit felonies. Yes, PLURAL.
I am Thankful for J's job and all the people that helped J get his job so that we can buy a house and walk naked from the bathroom to the bedroom without causing permanent blindness and overall awkwardness.
I am thankful for my child who reminds me that throwing my body on the ground kicking and screaming is not an appropriate reaction to any given situation that does not go my way.
Also, for pushing my last nerve to the absolute breaking point, where the only solution is four glasses of red wine and xanax.
I am thankful for Anchorman, Liar liar, Billy Madison without which I would not have excellent quotes to spew on a regular bases to make myself giggle like an asshole.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

PS

As of today at 10am J's parents closed on their new house. Which means...we get to stay here. In this house, with our stuff. Until we are ready to buy it.
Pardon me while I run around shrieking with happiness.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

LEAVE ME ALONE I'm STARVING!!!!!!!!

I reluctantly stepped on the Wii fit.
Lets just say, I am "displeased" with the five pounds I have somehow managed to pack on. And look here people, I am not about to go down a self hate road paved with gum drops and bulimia.

I  waved bubye to my eating disorder many moons ago-

that DOES NOT mean, however, that I am psyched about wearing an extra five pounds solely  based on the fact that I have 0 self control.
And when I say 0 self control, I mean 0 self control.
I plugged in my new numbers into the Weight Watcher website-hoping that with the new weight gain I might get a few extra points. I know, shameless.
22 points.
Twenty. Two. Fucking. Points.
Do you know what 22 points looks like? Its a salad at Fridays. No. Really.
22 points makes my tummy rumble.
22 points makes me want to slam my face into a plate glass window.
22 points clearly makes me violent.
I am currently done with my 22 points as of 2:30 this afternoon, when I stuffed Chick Fil A waffle fries down my throat hoping that they ranked somewhere on the 0-2 point scale.
No such luck.
22 points means this is going to take some work.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Brothers

When I was seven years old my brother sat me in a laundry basket and pushed me down a flight of stairs.
That right there should sum up my entire personality. That, and, they frequently taught me how to successfully kick a man in the junk.
Not too many people get my humor, unless you are a frat boy-or KELLI who promptly told me that my window display of homemade Christmas lights looked like a bunch of misguided sperm. If I had been anyone else I might have been offended, except I had literally JUST SAID THAT to myself not four seconds before she opened her mouth.
She has brothers as well.

The more things change...

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Motivation

I have a lot of awesome stuff to talk about -but I am not allowed to speak of it just yet. Which sucks.
My freedom of speech has been limited to Allessandra, running, what I ate, and my vagina-which is mine so I can speak of it how often I wish.
Josh.
 

There is studying.

A lot of studying. Fitting in time to study, choosing studying over everything/anything is pretty lame. ESPECIALLY when I am trying to teach myself math all over again.
Telling you I hate math is a super generalization-because I totally only hate math, cause math hates me. I don't understand it, and it never stops being annoyingly impossible to grasp.
Its like reading a book in Arabic. Me no understand words/numbers/ anything on this fucking page.
There is a lot of sighing and coffee.
A part of me wishes that I had given a flying shit in college and actually chose something more "career driven" other than English and Psychology. 
You know what that degree says?
I read.
I can write.
I know other people's theories about people.

Getting into this Master's program for Early childhood education wont be an easy undertaking -but its the end product after all these tests.

In the Spring I will have my certifications to teach in Georgia as well as hopefully working towards my Masters.
Its a massive amount of work for someone who already has massive amounts of work for, um, work. 
Between being a wife, mom, and a full time teacher-finding time to do anything always feels as if I am giving something up.
I guess at this point, I am grateful to have the energy and drive to keep everything in motion.
We will see how long it lasts.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Good times

I woke up hungry this morning. Like stark raving-going to eat everything in the kitchen hungry. I am pretty sure its because I worked out for two hours last night, and accidentally skipped dinner. Well wait, no, I had a yogurt.
I for some reason thought that would be enough to sustain a two hour workout.
I was wrong.
But then when I got home, I ate a piece of bread with almond butter, an orange and a skinny cow ice cream sandwich.
Hence this morning with the stomach growls.

Gym last night was interesting, I meet a friend there usually around 7, but I was so excited at the prospect of not hearing one more second of whining or screaming, that I practically sprinted to my car when J got home.
Leaving me to work out for an hour by myself.
So I rode the bike, ran, and then rode the bike. It was pretty dull.
Running on the treadmill used to thrill me, but last night it just left my calves feeling tight, and my knee all off balance.
Back there again tonight..even though I am feeling pretty sore.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

stress

Because nothing is every easy for me, I found out last night that I passed ONE of my teacher exams, and missed the second one by THREE POINTS. THREE, as in 1,2,3, you suck.
I am more then slightly irritated.
This means I have FOUR more tests on my plate before the Spring.
One of which is Math, so I would like to not have to re take any of those mo fos.
Off to slam my head into a wall.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Almost Two

Allessandra is trying like mad to give up her afternoon naps.

Have you ever tried to wrestle an oil covered piglet? Me neither, but I assume that trying to keep Allie in her room, wear her shoes and clothes is exactly the same experience.
Since she now discovered how to say "On" and "Off" which both sound exactly the same "ahhhhhon" "ahahah" trying to figure out what she wants, is fun for the whole family.  Fun like seeing who can chug the most hot sauce, or slamming a brick into your face.

At any given moment, her pulling on her shirt, pants, shoes could mean that she wants them off, OR she wants them unbuttoned, zipped, airbrushed, lint rolled, or encrusted with a bedazzler. Who the fuck knows. I spend a lot of time throwing my hands in the air and sighing.
I could open her door- expecting to see her sleeping like an angel, only to see her stark naked- standing on top of her changing table pissing on the walls.
Or, my own personal favorite, covering her and her dolls with Vaseline.
She flat out refuses to nap.
Even at school-I can hear her protests through the walls. I literally cringe when I hear her shrieks..she is that kid that doesn't fall asleep, stay on her mat, or stay quiet.
Fantastic.
Four more months till she's two? This is just the beginning?
FML

Allessandra Dancing from Josh on Vimeo.

weekend in pictures

I decided to make this Thursday afternoon, Salted caramel banana pudding pie, from the food network..not my own concoction. If you want the recipe just email me.
 Very delicious.
The infamous Santa picture...J is incredibly slap happy-not too sure what that's about-except that he's excited Santa has his arm around him.
I told people we were going to BJs this weekend, and the reaction was pretty much the same, red faces, stammering and, bursting out "YOU ARE GOING WHERE?" "Do they sell blow jobs?" 
No, asshats...BJs is a real place.
One tiny thing different though...hello isle of booze. WOW! Up north they don't sell alcohol in stores other then liqueur stores, its always very surprising to me to see.


We got 89 boxes of TRIX yogurt-which pleased me, except Allie will have to eat 14 yogurts a day- before they go bad.
I love this picture. Almost makes me want to get a dog of my own.
Almost

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Just be thankful I didn't post a picture

I used to watch "Jon and Kate plus eight" didn't we all at one point? I think that beast is still on TLC, where she gets paid to drag her eight children around various theme parks, sporting her blond hoe hair and implants. Ah what millions can buy.
Anyways, I remember an episode in which Kate brings out this enormous photo album with each of her children kneeling beside a massive dump they took in the potty. Thumbs up, smile for the camera!
Really.
My untainted uterus self didn't understand, couldn't full conceptualize the sheer joy that this woman felt, documenting poop.
That was, until last night.
When my kid went poop in the potty.
Correction. When she told me she had to go poop in the potty....and then did it.
I almost snapped a photo of it with my blackberry, was three seconds away from posting it on Facebook, sending it to my brother, mom, best friends...but then I was all, its a log of crap, who the fuck wants to see that?
J didn't even want to see it, as soon as she hopped her tiny bum onto her potty and started pushing, he vanished through the wall head first.
He's not a fan of public displays of pooping.
I am still thinking I am going to wait until Christmas break to fully potty train her, I get a week off so I think that would be adequate time to whip her into shape.
Cheers to the almost last diaper being changed!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Dog Bite...for Kelli

Dog bite, and Kelli you like saw it today, when I shoved your face in it. Wait, that sounded bad. I mean, when I forced your eyes upon it, hissing, did you see THIS, THIS is what happens when you run in Georgia.

The one on my ass hurts way worse-but I will save you the visual and not post a picture. (sorry)
I am suffering from post traumatic stress-I am feeling all antsy and itchy about running outside. Its a little like I have an essay to write or something, once I make up my mind to run-I find twenty other tasks to complete, like bleaching the bath tub, or rearranging my dresser drawers.
I am afraid of dogs.
I am more afraid of dogs then I was before.
Kinda twitchy- you know, like I have vaginal itch or something.

I don't.
I need a dog/car repellent.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Tuesday

I had high hopes for pictures with Santa. High enough that I threw on sweat pants and a hooded sweat shirt. I don't like to make weekend visits to work-about as much as Allie does, I am sure. Needless to say, both J and I are in the Santa picture, like I am basically on Santa's lap with Allie white knuckling my arm. What was I thinking? I don't know. This is another event that my mother will click her tongue at  and inform me that she is waaaaay too young to be expected to sit on a strange man's lap. And I am all, but MOM he was a southern Santa. Southern Santa is all sweet and raised by his momma.
That dress she is wearing was fifty dollars, which is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a dress, which is why the tag is still on it.
I know, are you jealous you didn't think of that?
Stop judging me.
No I have not turned into a werewolf yet, but I am sporting a pretty hot bruise, to compliment my gimp car crash knee.
I would post a picture of the bite, but my mom informed me that she is tired of looking at gross pictures of my injuries- which, like, I guess is fair.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Bad day take two

I got bit by a dog once when I was sled riding.

I was so traumatized by it, that my mom had to hold my head between my legs, and demand that I not vomit/and or pass out on the bathroom floor.

Even since then, I hated dogs. Hate. Yippy dogs, big dogs, little dogs, medium sized dogs, deaf-blind, old, seeing eye dogs, screw them all. Also, I hoarded cats-to further prove my point.
But then I moved to Georgia, and lived with two poodles. Even though they like to digest my underwear, they are well mannered and let Allessandra give aggressive hugs.
Anyways, today I went for a run and got bit by a dog.

I screamed like a girl and ran away.
After dealing with my last hit and run encounter, I went back to the house, hoping to just notify the owner of what had happened.
From the looks of it, she was also having a bad day.
Probably because the dog charged out of the house and bit me in the ass, again. 
I don't normally yell at people, but I was and am irate.

The woman had the audacity to inform me that it was OK for her dog to bite me TWICE, if I was on her property.
News flash hoe bag, I was across the street.
I went home and reported her bitchy ass to animal control.
Leash law people. Leash law.
Do you think someone has a voodoo doll of me or something?

Friday, November 5, 2010

No Good very bad day

Today, if you looked at me the wrong way, I am sorry that I wished genital herpes would grow on your private bits.
Its not really you, its me.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, glanced at the clock, and promptly wacked my elbow on the edge of the end table. Then to add insult to injury, I tripped over J's work bag, and then just began kicking things like a two year old.

I swore rather loudly, and marched into the bathroom, pissed off.

I peed pissed off, stuck my contacts into my eyes pissed off, and jumped down J's throat when he very nicely asked me what time it was.
I whipped the clock around, jabbed my finger to the screen, "You ask me that every friggen morning, HOW HARD IS IT TO LOOK AT THE CLOCK?!" JUST LOOK AT IT!"
Then I morphed into a shrieking hyena and raced out of the room, leaving chaos and destruction behind me.
Work is not much better.
After the morning I experienced, I slammed into the kitchen on my lunch break, and stuffed every piece of Halloween candy I could see down my throat (Two Reeces) and a SmartOne dessert.

I am just mad today.
And I don't have the patience or energy to feel better.
I am tired of being overworked, and not enough time to get things accomplished -I am half a second away from shutting myself into a dark closet and eating my hair.
Because that is way more productive then completing all my work.
Right?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Thursday

Life has been crazy. And I hate being one of those bloggers that apologizes for not blogging. Its been in the back of my mind, but somehow life keeps tripping me up-forcing me to stuff tissues up my nose, down some NyQuil and hope for the best.
I am alive, stressed, but alive.
After my last post on trying to speed up my time I got a few emails and FB messages for awesome people giving advice. This week, seeing as though its the beginning of a month, I thought I would put their advice to the test to see if I could cut my 5k time from 34 min to 29 min, basically cutting my time by 7 whole minutes. Its a 12 week plan, based on trying to run a fast half marathon.
 I ran a pretty decent three miles today-coming in right at 33 minutes, which given the hills and the tornado force wind, I think its pretty noteworthy.
Ms Independent had to walk
On a different subject, Allessandra has been informing me when she has taken a dump in her pants, which is fantastic and surly means that I can potty train her over winter break.  The only "issue" I have is  she is obsessed with pulling my pants/underwear down and shrieking "Oh NO, yuky! poooop" at every given moment.
It's magical.