Sunday, October 31, 2010

Boo

Working on my speed sucks. I mean, wicked, totally sucks. I am not a fast runner, I am a distance runner, but I want to be a fast, distance runner.
Mainly because I know a certain person who, in my opinion is grossly out of shape, and ran a 5k 25 seconds slower then me.
25 seconds slower, which basically is right behind me.

Look, I am not comparing, K fine, I am comparing. I should be better.

But I am slow, I give up, I am too hard on myself.

Today I got up and actually ate breakfast, oatmeal and one piece of peanut butter toast. Plus I drank three glasses of water.
I just ended up feeling like I had chunks of food in the back of my throat.
I ran hard.
Even up the hills
I managed to bang out 3 miles in 33.05 which is one min faster then my 5k race and 10 min faster then my three mile run on Saturday. But DAMN, I ran hard, and I am not proud of the time.
I want to be running easy 10 min miles, so far 12 is my constant.
So I am trying to run faster, and shorter distances.
She's the cutest Lady bug ever
Proof
Pausing at the Stop sign to stretch 
Happy Halloween Ya'll.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Thinking

I woke up this morning to my phone ringing at 5am. Something had startled me before that though-like when you are dreaming and something appears and demands that you wake yourself up.
When I sleep, I feel as if someone is pressing their face to mine, or sitting too close, hovering maybe...and this morning my eyes flew open, hoping to catch, or understand that feeling of being watched.
I saw  I had a missed call, but it didn't say from whom.
Just a text from my brother in Australia,Wake up.
 I pulled on my running gear, anxious to shake the paranoia-and headed out for a three mile run.
As I stretched out my calves I listened to my voice mail, only to hear the distraught voice of my brother ringing in my ears.
He broke down over missing our brother who died two years ago.
And as fucked up as it sounds, I was relived.
I, suddenly didn't feel like I was the only one who still sobs uncontrollably for no apparent reason. I didn't feel like I was the only one harboring so much pain. I was so damn happy that the anger ripped through someone else rendering them incapable of speaking in full sentences.
When you lose two people at once, like we did, our Dad and our brother, I think the mind has to slowly mourn each one separately.
I used to say, "Some days I miss my dad, some days I miss my brother, and the really tough days, I miss them both."
I think that perhaps grief is rolling out, in some ways unexpectedly. On my run this morning, I was hit with the sweet smell of a wood stove, and I broke out into hysterical sobs, I am talking about snot and tears and hiccups...over the smell of a wood stove. I associate the smell of smoke and chunks of wood with my dad, who spent a good portion of my childhood lugging in wood, and messing with keeping the house warm.
Last night we were filming Allie sing her A B C s and make animal noises, and she came right up to the camera and did this look that looked so much like my brother that passed away, that I had to shut the camera off.
And its been two years, I wonder when things start to get easier.

On a completely different subject,  I signed on to write this post and glanced at my blogs that I stalk, only to find a title stating To: Chelsea, which, naturally caught my attention. Read it. Made my whole month, also, follow Kelli cause shes my most favorite person in Georgia.
ODE to CHELSEA

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Sparkle

My throat hurts so badly I am want to curl up under a rug and die.
Also-really over the temper tantrums that are thrown on a daily bases around me.
Wishing that I could throw my body on the ground kicking and screaming.
Wondering if Allie would think I looked ridiculous.
Broke down in hysterical tears yesterday-when I thought Allie wasn't looking.
She was.
She got a very distraught look on her face and hugged me.
Thinking that made up for when she screamed bloody murder for not being able to eat soap.
Or when she hit me in the face with the remote control.
Dyed my hair super red.
Am in love with it.
I constantly change my hair color when I am in need of something.
Am wondering if I am slipping back into depression-but then remember how bad it gets before its bad. 
Am grateful I can recognize that.
Am grateful its not that bad.
But definitely in need of something.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Savannah



OK. So J surprised me Saturday morning while I was shoving french toast into my face, that we were going to the Sorrel Weed house that evening to get our Ghost Hunt on. I, of course choked on my food, fell out of me seat and did a happy wiggle dance.

You HAVE to watch the above clip, to fully understand my excitement.
Also, choking on this food was totally worth it.
Getting ready to get my Ghost Hunt on.
I made J leave like 45 minutes early, even though we were five minutes away. Seriously people, I was hell bent on finding me some ghosts-and I was PISSED that other people showed up 8 beers in and had the audacity to think that rummaging around in a house built in the 1700s was a joke or something. I mean, people died there, and there was like a full moon and stuff, HOW DARE THEY THINK IT A JOKE!
I even made J rent an EMF detector, which, BY THE WAY totally was going off like crazy against this one chair. So, clearly there was a ghost sitting in it -and no one paid the slightest bit of attention.
I am so in the wrong profession.
Also, all those asshats were too afraid to walk into a dark room that some chick hung herself in billions of years ago- so naturally I went in, alone, with J trailing behind me with the video camera.
No Ghosts.
No weird feelings.
However, when reviewing our video camera, while the guide (who I am pretty sure was totally shit faced) was talking about something foolish, you can hear a distinct voice say, LEAVE. I listened to it 89 thousand times last night, munched on sweet and sour skittles and recorded  J snoring like a sleep apnea patient.
I was almost positive that the voice was clearly that of an angry male ghost.
That was, until the end of the video when I heard the same voice whisper, l es bien Sea Gulls...Caw Caw...
I totally punched J this morning for tainting my evidence.

Totally awesome trip though.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

3 mile run up 50 thousand hills

Example of Hill  
Are these the douches that hit me with their car?

An update

Isn't that the sexiness thing you have ever seen in like your whole life? I legit have a HOLE in my knee.
I am not sure you can actually see it but whatever.

I know you really wanted to see pictures so, you're welcome.
I actually made myself run by where the incident happened yesterday. Honestly-I couldn't exactly remember where it was, plus I kept getting distracted by the Halloween decorations, I think I would remember eating pavement next to a grave digging scene.
The new paraphernalia that is now streaming from the surrounding yards is preventing me from pin pointing exactly where I left my knee skin.
And I have to tell you, its a bit frustrating.
And you KNOW how much I love Halloween decorations, in fact I almost think getting hit by a car in front of a grave digging scene in front of some douche's house would have made my whole damn week.
Instead- it happened on the plain old regular pavement -in front of a house- a house that I can't remember.

Planning on a 4 mile run tonight....we'll see, since I also have to study MATH. *pardon me while I break out in hives and scratch at invisible sores*
Damn you brain, why you not smart with numbers?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Random

She started her own blog about me.
Decorations in the living room....

Sunday

The test was hella long. I honestly can't even talk about it without feeling utterly exhausted. I could have gotten every answer right or every answer wrong...its a toss up. I think there was truly only one question that I guessed on.
But two things happend during said exam. 1. I forgot to eat, so half way through the first exam I had to get a complete cavity search in order to take a potty break and stuff a strawberry granola bar down my throat.
2. While I was trying to squat over the toilet I accidentally ripped off half my scab. It was awesome.
So then during the second exam, I kept looking at my knee, thus causing the test proctor to come over and hover behind me, to make sure I hadn't written the answers in my open wound.
But its over, and I wont find out if I passed for four weeks.

But I was able to bang out a three mile run this morning, with minimal annoyance.
Besides the fact that it was 40 degrees out...cause woah momma that feels pretty cold! I don't think I can ever go back to New England in the winter....without freezing to death and whimpering like a tiny girl.
Although this was in font of someone's house and it made me deliriously happy to see.
Next weekend we are off to Savannah (childless) to go on a Ghost tour. Something J totally planned for me, sometimes he's pretty awesome.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Saturday

This morning I can officially sit "cris cross applesauce" I am delighted.
This means, obviously for you non preschool peeps out there, that I can bend my knee.
Its amazing. 10 days and I am finally almost pain free. I, naturally want to lace up my running shoes and head out for a run, but I can't.
Cause I am taking my four hour test today.
Insert negative, ominous music here.

My mom always told me that I should never announce to anyone when I am going to take a particular test, cause, like, if you fail, it really sucks telling everyone. Like when I went to get my Driver's license the first, and second time.
But she forgets that I am self proclaimed blabber mouth, and I can't keep anything to myself, ever. So, internet, if I do FAIL you will hear about it. OH TRUST ME, you will totally 100% hear about it. So whats the point? I am taking my test this afternoon, I studied for three weeks, I think I am prepared, I HOPE I am prepared, and I drank way too much coffee and my stomach feels queasy. Plus I haven't eaten breakfast yet, and I read somewhere eating before a test is a good thing.
Anyways, think happy thoughts today if you get a chance.

Happy weekend.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Being Happy

I have been dragging.
Not being able to run has really put me in a funk, especially since my knee still really hurts, not just a little. It looks as if it should be in that awful itchy stage, but the pain is still constant-the getting out of bed or off a chair or standing up just at all, makes it throb for a few minutes. I am definitely looking forward to that being done.
Anyways, when I am feeling down in the dumps I usually pick up one of my favorite books The Happiness Project.
I spent a while reevaluating what I am doing wrong, in terms of my happiness-which feels like it has gone to shit on most occasions.

Problem1. I live in a tiny space and its a shit hole. Identify the problem. Clutter makes me angry. Solution: clean it, bag it, throw it away. I spent a good portion of yesterday doing just that. And guess what! Getting out of bed this morning I was not immediately filled with rage!
Problem 2. J and I are constantly arguing-and I am usually very angry at him at any given time of the day. Identify the problem. I calculate. I am the worst at, "Cant you do that, cause I did..." "Its your turn to" "Why do I have to do everything?" The stomach virus damn near threw me off into marital hell, since I  changed every one of those poop diapers, wiped the walls of it, did the laundry, folded the laundry and PUT IT AWAY- I wanted praise. I wanted a gold star so to speak, since I was the one up with her at all hours, and I got nothing, no help, no praise, nada.  The truth tho, is I didn't want him to be the one up doing it, I wanted to do all of it, hence me doing it. So solution: Stop calculating/stop nagging/and LET IT GO...all three of these little habits I forget about all the time. So last night, I fed her dinner, bathed her, packed her lunch and got her ready for bed, without anger in my heart, since I was the one choosing to do it. J made dinner, cleaned up, and shared a tasty dessert together without one single angry word.
Problem 2. Mornings are killing me, I am flustered and frantic, Allie  throws herself on the ground screaming, I am furious that I am the one trying to get everything done, and myself out the door-and I almost ALWAYS forget to eat breakfast and end up out of sorts the entire day. Solution: Get the shit ready the night before, have the coffee ready to go, lay out the clothes for both me and Allie, have lunches packed, snacks packed, ect ect. Oh and also, GET UP EARLIER IDIOT.
And I even had time to blog about it.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Let me sum up the zoo trip

We quickly turned into people that leash their child. If said child will not ride in stroller, will not be carried and demands to run into crowds of people. Solution= LEASH em up
They she demanded to push the stroller.. which was sweet since I didn't want to push it anyways.

I love this picture....
Good times

The only animal I took a picture of...I know, pathetic, I really wanted to see a lion...but the lion was sleeping.
...Like this little baby lion.

At the petting zoo one of the donkeys rammed into my knee, and I hands down had to restrain myself from punching it in the throat.
Good times. Good times.

Friday, October 8, 2010

How to make me smile

Shake your "booty" while attempting to cram two whole Oreos into your face.
Then look at me all inquisitive like- Momma, why cookies no fit?
 

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The two flies that landed on my open wound convinced me to get medical treatment...

When I was in High school, I spent a week at Volleyball camp.
It was pretty sweet, the dorm living, the salad bars, the constant hitting of balls. And the water polo team that was housed across the courtyard.
At night we would all cram into the window, pressing our faces to the screen on the lookout for the boys, who would be pointing and shouting loud "whispers" into the night.
It started as a "HEY!"
 Then, "SHOW US YOUR TITS!" which I guess is what you do, or demand when you are a teenage boy and are looking at a bunch of volleyball players.
Since I never do what I am asked, like, EVER, especially when its demanded of me, I retorted with

 "YOU FIRST."

 Then I saw a lot of ding dong, and promptly hid under my covers.

 Seeing lots of boy's wees is the second thing I remember about Volleyball camp, the first thing is the horrible scrape I got on my knee-after diving and saving a ball, to "impress a coach" who managed to only see the blood oozing from my leg and not my varsity quality save.
I was the asshole who got injured on the first day of camp.
As I sit here with my knee finally wrapped up by a certified specialist, (who sprayed enough antibacterial ooze onto my knee to kill Ebola -and then yelled at me for being a dumbass for NOT COVERING IT WHILE WORKING IN A GERM INFESTED ENVIRONMENT- DO YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR LEG SWEETHEART?) I am reminded of volleyball camp and how much it sucked having that scrape, and still trying out for the team. And I did make it, and when I returned to school I became captain and I loved it, and I continued to push it until I basically fractured my ankle and kept playing on it-and LIED to my coach, convincing her that I was fine to play.
I am a masochist.
There is a part of me that would get up right now and attempt to bang out a two mile run, even though I cant walk, and every time I bend my knee it bleeds a little.
That right there is another reason for why I am medicated.
But at least I am being honest.
Right?

J, remember when I was sitting on the toilet bleeding and crying and you shoved a box of maxi pads into my hands and demanded that I wrap them around my leg to stop the bleeding? Remember how you were 100% serious.
Thinking about that made me pee a little today.
*Smootch*

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

WEDNESDAY

Are you surprised that I am bullshit that I cant run? Cause there is major bullshitting going on right now. I am dragging my leg behind me like some deformed crippled -daring the tiny children to even BREATHE on it, less I involuntarily kick them.
I am feeling  stabby at the moment. Wishing evil on the world, but especially the brown or white house, .20 miles away from here.
I am angry.
I am in pain.
I am wondering where the skin goes when it gets torn from a leg.
What? Is that a dumb question? There is no skin on my knee, not even a little bit, in fact I think its still bleeding...and its really unsanitary, and it makes me want to stuff doughnut holes into my face, and eat fist fulls of cookie dough. On a completely unrelated topic, I have yet to find a Dunkin Dounuts around here- mmm doughnut holes.
I am irritated, I thought that perhaps I could bike-then I was all, OH YEAH I cant bend my knee.
FML.
What I can do is sit here, holding the laptop gingerly on my lap, and wear SHORTS (thank God its still warm here) because bandages hurt, I keep oozing through gauze, and generally I am pretty sure the entire leg just needs to come off.
I AM NOT BEING DRAMATIC.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Tuesday

When J and I first started dating I wanted to make a good impression on his family. I did this by offering to carry lots of bags down a flight of stairs, missed a stair and fell down the entire flight-catching my face on the concrete. I literally had rug burn on my face. I, of course pretended like I didn't just fall down the stairs, and bounced up like nothing happened, while my mother in law raced out the door, making sure I was OK and sealing the deal by yelling, "HER DAD IS A LAWYER, DON"T SUE US!"


It was magical.

Today I got dinged by a car.
It backed up real fast, did not see me, I tripped and ate it on the concrete. I caught my entire fall with my knee. Which I am grateful for, since I suppose it could have been my face.
I rolled around on the grass, begging the dog to pull a Lassie and let J know I had fallen in a well or something- turns out the dog is not that useful, and only managed to lick my face and try to drag me home.
Called J 9 times, he never answered. He claims because the phone was in the other room, I claim because he was busy fighting crime with his PS3.
I ate two brownies and drank a mug of wine at 3pm. 

All in all, this week is off to a stellar beginning.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Ever since I am not a big fan of jelly

I met this girl once who compulsively picked at her face, and ate stacks of saltines mashed together with grape jelly and cream cheese.
I am not sure why she felt compelled to share this bit of info with me, but now you know it, so, you're welcome.

The part of picking her face got to me though. It was a ritual- picking and squeezing, scratching and peeling off bits of her skin, while eating, at night...it really stuck with me.
Every single time I start picking at my face, I think of cream cheese and grape jelly. And I kind of hate her for that.
Also-I started watching Hoarders which made me ridiculously itchy, and dirty, like I needed to immediately spray my face with bleach.
Sadly though, the lady that had 59 cats living in her house...I actually  felt bad for her, not the cats.  She just had too much love, internet, and there is nothing wrong with too much cat love. Except when you have dead kitten carcasses embedded in your couch and walls, that's a little unsanitary.
Speaking of unsanitary, I started my morning off with scraping poop out of Allessandra's ears, hair, neck; bed rails, blankets, the wall.....it was awesome...and the following 8 poop/water filled diapers that proceeded were equally terrific. 
Its been a great Sunday..

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Its October and I am still sweating..and got a sunburn WTF?!

My Sweet, cranky, pumpkin
This right here is true love
 And this.

And...oddly this
awww...and this...

3.20 Miles

Three Cups of coffee....Yup....it makes you run real real fast.
So do chocolate muffins....I didn't have one...but Allie seemed to enjoy hers
I started at the very bottom of that bad boy. I had to pause at the top to stuff my lungs back down my throat and die a bit. And also snap this photo...that hill is a bitch.
I was very happy with that time, I ran 3.20 miles at around a 10.50 pace which is fantastic considering...I have been ranging at 12 min miles. Incorporating speed work and running in the vibrams I think has really helped my pace.