Monday, May 31, 2010

And, cause I have the best husband in the world, he bought me one of those fantastic plastic Starbucks cups. How great are those?

Daddy is back Ya'll!

"Its OK, that grizzly man is your Dad. No, don't be afraid, really! Its DADDY under all that facial hair!"
We are happy to have him back, beard and all.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

New Princess Jammies - I make her work for food

OK, mom, where is my food?
Seriously, Mom, please just cut it out and feed me
The only time she doesn't have an attitude.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Renewing myself, like Ramona from Real Housewives, minus the crazy eyes and the illegal drug use

Truly the most interesting part of this whole "clean eating" shtick that I have done for the past three days, is that I don't miss anything. Me,  the girl who once wrote an entire post about how I was snorting the tiny cracked pieces of coffee beans at the end of the bag...when I ran out of coffee...Do y'all remember that? (Yeah, Ya'll I threw it in there for good measure, so shoot me) I am now a non addictive chick-I don't drink coffee, I don't need coffee. Or rather, caffeine, and I don't eat sugar or anything processed-and  I have to tell you. I feel FANTASTIC, except for the cough, (there's a shock) but I don't get outrageously hungry in the middle of the day, I have pretty decent energy, and my digestive track is, uh, working, without the help of Activia. (Actiiiveaaaa) Which really put its all into perspective, of how truly awful I really WAS eating. OK, maybe not awful, but now I certainly get my recommended servings of fruits and veggies and whole grains.

For June, besides a few other resolutions, my goal is to get back into yoga/running. When I eat like this, and run with yoga, I truly feel amazing, like the type of amazing that you pay for, like therapy and anti depressants. Or crack.
Whatever you are into.
I don't judge.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Another sob session, aren't you lucky?

My sickness is like the oil spill. No, seriously. Stay with me.

At first, it was all, its SMALL, it wont LAST LONG, we will get this all together in a few days. Because, surely a cold would only last for a week at most right? Surely since its 2010 we would have our shit together to clean up catastrophes such as an oil leak spill lets be honest, aquatic life massacre. And keeping with this, surely since I have already gone to a Doctor AND the Emergency room, one of them would have had to have given me SOMETHING that would work. Right?
But, just like the gallons of sticky oil guzzling out of a "leak" -I don't feel better. I feel tired, and crappy, and tired of hocking phlegm all day everyday. I am tired of people giving me worried looks as I cough myself into yet another "cracked rib session" -just like I am tired of turning on the News every morning, just to hear one more excuse, one more "thing" BP is going to try. 
I feel like I am in a perpetual oil spill . And I just want someone to stop "trying" and just FIX IT.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

You can see one tiny tear running down my cheek

A phone is a phone, is a phone. And my phone, is dead. Or rather, it was washed by my loving daughter in a bowl full of water.
Remember when she didn't move? Remember when she just SAT THERE ALL QUIET GETTING VIBRATED TO SLEEP? I would like to strap her into a vibrating seat now, rather then having her tornado herself around this house, with the washing of the electronics, the wrapping of cords around her neck, and the BREAKING OF HER GRANDMOTHER"S LAMPS.
My phone is now sitting in a bag full of rice, I call it: rice full of hope. How else will I be connected to everything, everywhere, 24/7 without my blackberry? How, people, will I text my husband, "Good morning, and Night Night?!" HOW, PEOPLE, WILL I TWITTER? or rather, READ TWEETS? Perhaps this is someone's way of telling me I need to put the phone down, close the computer and get healthy. So that is what I am doing, I set a REAL alarm tonight instead of relying on my phone, and I sent my darling husband a ranting, nasty loving good night message via the INTERNET.
Goodnight world, I wont see you until the morning.

Monday, May 24, 2010

I really need to go to bed, so you get some pics-

Those are some pretty bad ass pigtails huh?

Haven't you ever seen anyone with pneumonia before?
Today was my first day sans coffee, sugar, processed anything...basically  I am eating whole wheat, fruit and veggies for two weeks to give myself a bit of a cleanse. I am on so many different pills, including STEROIDS that I just feel like I need to really be nice and kind to my immune system-and give it a fighting chance to fight off all this evil. PS I am also asleep by 8. And drinking a TON of water, as you can see in my death picture above. 
And guess what? JOSH IS GONNA BE HERE IN FOUR DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Got Fluid? Which is the Scrubs reference Josh used after I texted him at 10:30 Last night. If he had been there, I might have stabbed him

I tried to give my lungs away last night. It was a pretty legit trade, I thought. Since I was sitting cross legged on a HOSPITAL bed wearing one of those damn gowns that "open in the back!" (sung sweetly) yet for whatever reason I always forget, which way, and end up with ties wrapped around in all directions, and one boob always trying to make an appearance.When I finally realized that I had it on WRONG, I kept my bra on, my shirt on, and jeans, and just wrapped the gown around my shoulders. When the nurse came in, she certainly gave me an odd look, but I am thinking its because I was busy hacking myself into yet another asthma attack.  Or, it was because I began showing her my license that alerts everyone that I am in fact an ORGAN DONOR. "Take them from me please" *hack, spit, choke, gag , cough* She suggested that perhaps I would want to keep my lungs, since they help me breathe. And I was all, JOKES ON YOU LADY! Weeeeezzz.

Long story short. I ended up in the ER last night, because the effort I was putting into breathing, was well, too much damn work. Everyone knows how much I don't enjoy working too hard on the weekends, especially doing work that my BODY SHOULD BE DOING ON ITS OWN.
And after a wonderful x ray, the Doctor skipped into the room, four hours later, all giggles and says, "Your lungs look painful!" No kidding? I had NO IDEA. "And also, there is a wee bit of fluid in there, so its all like your lungs are trying to suffocate you! Silly lungs." 
I hadn't realized that Doctors could also be comedians.
Pneumonia. Walking, or not, its still a diagnosis, which explains why the medicine I was taking, suddenly stopped working. It could have manifested itself from the original diagnoses, who knows. All I know is now I am on steroids and I am really hoping to grow a handle bar mustache before Josh gets here. I really feel that would add to the excitement of our reunion. No?

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Don't make me laugh, unless you want to front the hospital bill, I am talking to YOU chair

Suckville is a land full of double ear infections and 103 temps, your child sometimes lives there for long periods of time, like mine, who has been a frequent flier for about a month now. I am tired of the ear infections, I am tired of the constant stream of snot bubbles. As for myself, I am tired of coughing and having my lungs ache. I was feeling better, until I wasn't. So, it is officially time for me to find a real doctor, with real shiny degrees hanging neatly in vibrate black frames. I need something, anything else, besides the trunk full of medication I am already on, to help me stop the monotonous coughing. Cause, its old. Its real old. Even you are like, really? Shes talking about her coughing again? Don't you know how to talk about anything else? Weren't you just saying how much BETTER you felt? Weren't you JUST calling your mother to tell her how cured you are? And I am all, well Josh needs a challenge. He has officially missed two MONTHS worth of coughing, throwing up, ear infections, corn infested diarrhea, not to mention two months of PMS infested sucktown. He is due my friends, he deserves to sashay into chaos. 
Speaking of chaos, as I was writing this lovely piece, my father in law was busy grouting the kitchen tile, fell off the chair, causing the spindle of the chair to find its way up his shorts and molest him. And by that I mean, it went up his butt. I laughed so hard I almost cracked a rib.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

3 things that made ME laugh, and you might find funny too, especially if you have a sick mind

1. Boys and their fascination with their wees. Like, it begins as infants and never, EVER, changes.

2. Asking Josh's mom to suck out Allie's nose, ( I am not a fan of sticking things up her nose, or up her butt, for the record I opt to guesstimate her fever with the back of the hand-then take her temp r e c t a l l y. But then the Doctor was all, "Hotish is not a number" ) anyways, Josh's mom enjoys sucking out snot, wiping snot, and is rectally thermometer happy, and eagerly shouted from her bedroom, "Let me know when you want me to SUCK IT!" Which I responded by spraying spit all over Allie's face as I giggled myself into an asthma attack.

3. My father in law was complaining about his mind numbing headache for most of the night, until a bee stung him in his eye. That. By FAR was the funniest thing I have seen in a while.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I still don't like Tuna noodle casserole, but I have learned to accept it

I don't "do" long distance relationships. Not anymore at least. I had one a long time ago and it was heart wretchedly painful, like a fiery blaze of a train wreck heading for a box of wet kittens and a pumpkin patch. Translation: It sucked. And it ended "poorly." From this long distance relationship I despise talking on the phone to my significant other. Like, would rather shove hot peppers up my nose, then carry on mindless conversation about my "day" or recall how many times we can say "I miss you" in a thirty minute time span. And, because it just so happens that my significant other would rather slam his junk in a dresser drawer then have to talk to anyone about anything mindless -even in PERSON, our phone conversations have been, well, challenging. 
 I try to get by from texting most information via instant messaging. Like: Dying of whooping cough, can't breathe. Text you later. Or, "Feeling better, actually brushed my hair today!" Or my favorite "Allie pooped clear up to her neck, and there was corn in it, bet you miss us!" Our communication skills are limited at best-and I am begrudgingly getting prepared for when we have throw down plate whipping fights in front of his parents- where sides will be drawn and snapping of the fingers a la JETS will certainly make an appearance. Cause we FIGHT over the dumbest stuff. Case in point: the only fight we EVER had where plates were thrown, was over Tuna noodle casserole.

For real. Plates, being thrown at heads. Over TUNA NOODLE CASSEROLE. And I still don't remember why? or How. And Don't ask Josh, no matter what he says, he threw the first plate.

I can't wait till next Sunday where we can at least have a legit argument in person.

Good morning

Its 6am and I am awake, showered, dressed, breakfast for Allie is packed, I am half a second from throwing on my shoes and waking up the little one. Why, do you ask is this a monumental occasion? Why have I taken a moment out of my very busy, sweat dripping life to inform you of this? Because I am not coughing. And, I slept a full nine hours. Without getting up to puff away at my inhaler, pop any cough suppressants-or hear any crying, crabby baby in the wee hours of the morning. I am well rested. And I am alerting the media. Or, well, the internet: which translates into my mom and my husband. Hi Ya'll! 

Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I don't care if this is one big rant, I am currently stuck to my chair from the humidity

I seem to be the only one that is hot right now. Like, even at work standing in the 80 degree blazing hot sun. Everyone else around me is breathing easy, calm, cool and relaxed. While I am panting like a sick dog, unable to come up with any other type of conversation except about how HOT IT IS, HOW DO YOU PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS?! - sweat pouring from every pore on my body. Like, every pore. I am talking back sweat people, like full on wet shirt causeIamsweatingsomuchomgsomeonekillmeplease. And no one seems to care.No one sweats here. No one. COME. ON.
What I have heard is, "You think this is hot" Insert condescending laughter here. "Just wait till August, Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha."
I don't find it funny.
I want to punch them in the throat. And I am not generally an aggressive person. But I am when I am hot.  Or hungry. If I am both hot and hungry, it is best if you just slowly back away.
And generally speaking, lately, I am hot from the moment I get up, to the moment I go to sleep.   Neck sweat, people. NECK SWEAT.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

...What do they say about copying?

So I was sitting on the big pink ball and Allessandra was playing in her pool. As soon as I sat down, she pulls herself out of said pool, toddles her way over to the edge of the grass, picks up her little pink ball, meticulously sets it down next to me....and does this. I have a GENIUS on my hands.

Boo Hoo

I peed my pants and almost threw up at the same time.

Some of the complications of coughing this much according to Mayo clinic is cracked ribs, abdominal hernias, broken blood vessels in the whites of your eyes. All sound super appealing... especially my own special insight which includes, pissing your pants, gagging/throwing up your breakfast, lunch and dinner, annoying anyone that happens to be talking to you, because you can't get through a sentence without coughing on them, and or coughing yourself into such a fit that people star and start backing away. I have been a treat to be around. My in laws have suggested that I move myself into the shed, I am sure they are only half joking, since I saw them drag a mattress and a packed bag up the hill a while ago.

Last night around 1am after I dragged myself out of bed, shoved some medicine down my throat, took a puff or two on my bad boy inhaler, I finally slept. For realsies. Like in a coma. And even though this morning my chest feels like it is on FIRE, I can count on one hand how many times I have coughed myself into a full on cracked rib session. Which is actually good. Yesterday I lost count, with the peeing my pants and gagging....and the general fleeing of people around me.
So my intentions of getting a Kick ass immune system in May,  well, its worthy of a good ol' fashion cracked rib, asthma attack inducing, fit of sarcastic eye rolling, giggles. Lets re cap, in May I have: had a horrible sore throat, lost my voice, was horribly constipated, then horrible not, threw up, then ended up on antibiotics, cough suppressants, an inhaler and prescription say that I am a mess would be an understatement.
And oh yeah, I realize that May is not over yet. It is not lost on me. Hopefully 10 days from now I can re vamp and start over. I have a totally different resolution for June, one that does not have to do with my health at all. (Yet I will still continue to practice my "goals" and hopefully wont end up in the hospital)
Hope you all had a better weekend then I.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Remember when I was joking about having whooping cough?

Heavy dose of antibiotics, cough suppressants, 160mg of musinex and an inhaler later......

...and I am not laughing anymore. What time period am I living in? 1930 called and it wants its sickness back.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Well it could be Malaria right?

So my Mom called me last night to "check" and make sure I was still "alive" and not keeled over dying from whooping cough, or malaria, both of which I self diagnosed with my 0 medical education.

The malaria is based solely on knowing someone that returned sick from Nigeria, and thus blaming every stomach pang or sneeze on catching some nasty disease. Read: Malaria. Swine-flu. Scurvy. All of which I suggested might be reasons behind my never ending hacking. All of which Josh shot down. His answer to absolutely EVERYTHING is allergy medicine.  Have a runny nose? Allergy pill. Have searing PMS? Take an allergy pill! "Oh! You slipped and fell out of the shower AGAIN?!" get the point. But, like, I don't have allergies. 
I mean aside from the little scratchy throat now and then, but COME ON, No one, I mean NO ONE should be coughing as much as I am, I mean unless you smoke fourteen packs a day. Which I don't.

And since now my mother is calling and asking why I have not like, gone to a Doctor since I have been sick for three weeks, I realize that perhaps I am making light of the fact that there is a very good chance I am suffering from scurvy, or malaria, or perhaps whooping cough. OR maybe its allergies, or I am about to hack my lungs out onto the kitchen table. Either way I am aware of the situation.
Perhaps I should just start wearing an awesome surgical mask around?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


I have, for serious, had a cold for two weeks. It is actually going on three weeks, since I was technically sick the week before I came down with said cold. And the real shitty part of it all, is amongst the hacking and the losing of the voice, I have religiously been following my get a kick ass immune system plan. And wanna know what it has done for me? Jack.
The only thing I have accomplished, besides a sore behind, (squats) is to further irritate my throat from hacking up a lung, during "story time" which, by the way, my kids don't really enjoy. Also, I cannot sleep. No, you don't really understand the full magnitude of that statement I cannot sleep. Because all I do is cough. And cough, and cough some effing more. I have taken to popping NyQuil tablets, I know right? Who knew NyQuil would come out with gel tablets that like gets into your blood stream all fast and stuff. Perhaps I just snort the gel? Nah, I think that might irritate my throat, and like me and my throat just started getting along again.
So I don't sleep which irritates me, so then I take NyQuil way too early in the morning, forcing me to get up at the ass crack of dawn, all cracked out and hungover, in order to participate in MY DAY that I orchestrated. Did I mention to you that work changed my hours? My new hours are: "Ass crack of dawn" it says it right there on the schedule.  Its truly exhausting being me.
Especially sick me.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Happy Pills

June of 09' was the month I returned to work after having Allie. I was in a constant state of panic, a sobbing, anxiety ridden , shell of my former self. My boobs ached, my heart ached, my head had a steady stream of gibberish that screamed: BAD MOTHER! BABY LEAVER!
At the time, I thought my crouching in the corner of the handicapped bathroom, stuffing tissues up my nose to stop the snot-was, well, normal. I thought I was just sad. I thought it would pass, I let myself believe that I had the "baby blues" I was suffering from an "adjustment period."  The excuses went on and on and on. I was re reading some of my posts of when I went back to work the first time. The words jump off the screen and seemingly wrap around my throat again. How upset, how utterly miserable was I? I was seriously suffocating myself. I remember the sheer exhaustion of just getting through the day without crying. I would drag myself out of bed, beg and plead to Josh, telling him I would die if I had to go back to that place. I spent all that time setting fire to all my relationships -convincing myself that the less people in my life the better. Less people to ask questions, less people to put on a show for. It got to the point where I had isolated myself into a tight painted corner, where the only person left, was me and Allie, and I couldn't figure out how not to need her, when she so desperately needed her mom to be, like, sane.

I know you are wondering why I am talking about this again, you are probably scratching your head wondering if I have some sort of big announcement or something, like I am checking myself into a padded cell where I don't have to pick up poo. Honestly, I am just thinking about being a mom today, in honor of mother's day weekend. I can't think of being a mom, without thinking of how I struggled to breathe for all that time, while still trying to be the best mom I could be.

I started medication three months ago for my Postpartum depression and I can honestly say, without doubt or hesitation, my life has moved from a shifty mass of destruction, to something that one might even call stable. I no longer cower in the corner when Allessandra screams, I can go a whole car ride without thinking about driving into a tree, and I smile a lot.
A lot a lot.
And its not a fake one either.
I am a success story, I am proof that medication and therapy works.
I just wanted to share that.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I am an 90 year old woman in a 26 year old body

Yesterday was a big deal in the Mexican 'o world. I don't know if you knew this, but it was Cinco de Mayo as in, an excuse to drink. As I was scoffing at the wooping and hollering across the street from my Preschool, where there happens to be a Mexican restaurant (and YES I have eaten there almost everyday, thanks for asking! You try avoiding Mexican when your mouth is salivating from the wafting of chicken burritos all day. )  I carried Allessandra and all her shit into the house, just as my in laws were on there way out. As in: they were going out drinking at a Mexican restaurant while I stayed home eating cheesy rice cakes and banging my head against the wall. *AKA on a conference call for work*
I was pretty sure that they would be rolling in around nine, surely cause they needed to be in bed right? I mean, I go to bed at like eight, and they are Grandparents.  Well, lets just say, in my deep slumber I was awakened by my tequila shooting, beer drinking "roommates" who came  in at like 11:30. (I seriously had been asleep for three hours.) 
I have never felt so lame in my whole life.

I realize how super random this picture is at the end of this post, but, like shes so damn cute. She LOVES baby dolls.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Colds Suck

OK so perhaps the Airborne did, like, in fact, work. Cause even though today I have completely lost my voice, my throat no longer feels as if shards of glass are sticking through it. Nothing says Tuesday morning from hell like choking back tears just trying to swallow spit, let alone speak.  But alas, it is Wednesday, and both Allessandra and myself made it through the day with shining, magical, jazz hands. Her, with a brand spanking new ear infection (PS, paying out of pocket is not cheap: Note to self, Get medical degree so dumb asses like me, will pay me 80 bucks every time their kid needs a light flashed into their ear) And me, without a voice, like, at all.  Fun times I tell you. FUN. TIMES.

But my health kick is off and underway-I have gotten up every morning and exercised except for this morning, when I was all clutching my pillow and drooling through a NyQuil coma.

Sleep has been an issue, with Allessandra and her stupid ear infection keeping me up until midnight. And I am all, omfgchildjustfuckingcloseyourstuipdeyesandlayyourstupidheaddownmommyistired cause, like, IT WAS LATE AND SHE JUST WOULD NOT SLEEP! After I got her up in the morning and she was running a 103 temp, I felt kind of bad.
OK, I felt really bad.
Like, I wasn't sure if I wanted to share it with you internet, at HOW HORRIBLE I AM TO HAVE BEEN ACTUALLY ANGRY AT HER FOR BEING SICK.

 Poor Allie and her blankie at the Doctor's office
OK moving on:

What I have been having for Lunch-strawberry, olive, cheese, balsamic dressing- YUM O

Most mornings: Oatmeal with strawberries, or a Fiber one Pop tart OR, not WITH an Activia yogurt

Dinner is usually a veggie, meat or pasta....I am hoping that as soon as this cold has run its course I will be well on my way to 100% health.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Dear Airborne

Thanks for making my cold worse. Its not that I don't enjoy swallowing shards of glass, its just you promised to make me feel better.
And now a "little tickle" in the back of my throat has turned into a full blown suck fest.

Your new home will be in the trash can.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I know Luke Bryan was singing to me anyways...

The South is really big on embracing their "red neck" ways. I always thought that being called a "hillbilly" or "country" was sort of an insult. Apparently not. I had the opportunity to attend a Martina Mcbride concert last night, which directly went against my get more sleep resolution, since I did get home at midnight, but whatever you only live once right?  Anyways, I finally came to the conclusion that the south really loves Jesus, beer, cowboy boots, and bragging about their double wides. I seriously had no idea. But shhhhh for the time being I totally pretended to be a yeeyawww howling,  country chick.....I found out very quickly that you get free drinks that way. (YEEHAWWW bitches!)
Also, I had absolutely NO idea what I was doing there, at several different points in the evening when EVERY SINGLE PERSON KNEW EVERY WORD TO EVERY SONG.
Martina Mcbride has a phenomenal voice tho-like knock your cowboy boots clear off -type voice. She sang this song called Lies, and it was amazing.
Look! I made friends.  Just kidding, I just hijacked this picture, they don't even know me. I just wanted my Mom to think I made friends.
This is why chicks go to the bathroom together. The waiter at Applebees totally tried to get my number, and I was all, Hmmm, I still have four weeks of freedom.......
Now if it had been Luke Bryan, who I also saw last night, then Josh would have been SOL.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Operation: Get a kick ass immune system.

Remember my Happiness project? Well, I never really let it go, I just, well, got side tracked. Plus I figured the internet would MUCH RATHER read about all things new in my digestive track, which by the way is moving right along, thanks for asking! So right, my Happiness project, I did in fact finish the book, (go me!) and I was absolutely  floored into utter motivational overload.
And since today marks a NEW MONTH - I have decided to make May into my Get a kick ass immune system month. First up, I must stop licking public bathroom floors, eating toxic jellybeans, smoking crack and downing GreyGoose. And since in the past two days I have already cleared those little vices from my plate, I can move on to the real tough stuff, like: Exercise. It blows my mind, that I was once training for a marathon but now I can't find 30 minutes in my day to simple pick up a 5 pound weight or two. From dusk to dawn I am always doing something else, making breakfast, packing lunch, packing a bag for school, changing diapers, wiping noses, going to work, giving baths, falling face first into my bed, or trying to poo. I just can't find the time.  But alas, internet, for the past two days I have in fact dragged my sorry ass out of bed early and worked out with Denise Austin and her crazy eyes. And who cares if I don't break a sweat, I am STILL doing SOMETHING for ME.
Eating better- this one is so vague cause, to be honest its not that I am really eating bad. Its just sometimes I don't eat enough for breakfast, or lunch and then am STARVING by the time I get home from work. So my resolution for this month is: Eat a better breakfast. I believe that breakfast will set the tone for my whole day.
Take vitamins. Simple enough.

Just go to sleep.  Which ties into what Gretchen says about accepting yourself. I am a morning person, I am not, and have NEVER been a night owl. Yes, I can go to bed at 8pm, most nights I do just that. This month I will accept this, and Be Chelsea. No longer will I feel guilty about saying No to staying out late, or missing a TV show.
So far I have started to feel a difference in my level of exhaustion, of course it could be that I am just feeling better, but we will have to check in at the end of the month to really tell.
PS. It was either the Colace or Activia- but I can button my jeans again, I knew you were curious. Again, you're welcome.