Monday, November 30, 2009

So you know as soon as you start thinking that your life is going really WELL, and finally things start to make sense...then Murphy and his damn LAW swings its metal baseball bat directly into your face....and well...things "change"
Very fast.
Has that ever happened to you?
Well- its happening to me. My life as of this moment is in the process of doing a complete 360 degree rotation.

And as of right now I cannot share the "news" with you. I don't feel comfortable unleashing such a plan- until it is finalized.
So to my close friends that read this, I feel that it is important that I share with you what is going on before you read it on the internet and are all like...WTF?!
So, until I feel I have done that, internet, you will have to shut up and be patient.

I had a great picture of Allie to put up here. But she seriously ate the USB cord- and it has now "malfunctioned" and will no longer work. Fan tastic.

But this is from my phone, this how my darling daughter has figured out that pesky gate issue. By pushing it into the kitchen.
Sweet.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

My two days off were exceptionally awesome.
I know! Did you just fall over backwards from GOOD NEWS? I am so thankful for time because its really true, time heals all wounds. Both literal pains (wisdom tooth surgery) and those "other" pains- like the ones that pang your heart ever so often.

I think if you can just ride out the pain- really except it, give in to it- eventually you just fall over - and have no real other choice but to get up.
Yesterday I spent the morning and afternoon with my Mom and Allie. Going back to my house is always kinda of difficult. I have honestly only been there a handful of times since my Dad passed away. I guess maybe in the beginning the house seemed so vacuous and hollow. There was such a presence missing and I felt myself uncomfortable being present there.

But now. Now things are different- somehow my Mom has transformed the house into a  smaller more intimate  "home". One where, I couldn't even imagine what it was like when all six of us were stuffed into those tiny rooms.
I spent a good amount of time crawling through the attic pulling out water stained boxes full of old pictures. It was like my own personal Christmas, sitting crossed legged on the living room floor eagerly asking my Mom
"Who is this?"  "What is this?!"
And I had answers.
I even had stories.
It was one of those days that I wanted to reach in and shout "Slow down! Speak Slower" I wanted to capture each story, each picture and place it in my back pocket- for days when its a little harder to get back off the floor.

It was a great day.

Monday, November 23, 2009

..meanwhile is negative ville


I had this very long post all planned out - once again depicting how very awful my life is. I was going to explain to you that now on top of everything else  I have DRY SOCKET and that basically I woke up praying to God last night, begging him to just make it stop and I would, you know, stop pushing old people down stairs and refrain myself from kicking puppies.
Pretty much I would DO ANYTHING JUST OH GOD STOP THE THROBBING.
But I am not going to tell you about that.
Cause I imagine that you are getting super bored from reading about all my woes. You would rather hear about Allie and how cute and adorable she is-and then I am sure you would be delighted by a cute picture. But unfortunately she ate the camera...and I no longer have a device in order to capture how cute she is.
*sigh* That's a lie, the camera is frankly lost amongst the clutter that is my home. And I do not have the energy in order to look for said camera.
Also I am suppose to make Pumpkin Pie today, but I have found myself laying in bed with a can of diet Pepsi to my face...which in my opinion is WAY more productive then cooking. Besides its not fun cooking things that you cant eat.

And YES Mom I am still coming tomorrow...me and my dry socket will be there with bells on!

Oh and Happy Birthday!


This is an update....This is how Allie decided she was going to get to the USB cord.

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Business of being Born

 "The woman as long as she lives, will always remember how she felt birthing her baby"





Mine was one mixed with, anxiety, frustration, throwing up, anger, fear, paralysis, aggravation....the list of the negative goes on and on. The only time that was amazing for me, was seeing Allessandra for the first time, FOUR HOURS AFTER SHE WAS BORN!

So hopefully the next time around (someday) I am opting to do it natural. Its just a promise I am throwing out into the universe, if someday I am lucky enough to be pregnant again.

After watching the documentary The business of being born- I was all like. "HEY THAT SHIT HAPPENED TO ME!"
Pitocin= early epidural=more pitocin=more pain medication=distressed baby=distressed Mom=C section=baby in NICU for a week.

I absolutely feel like I just got bitch slapped and totally cheated out of a pretty cool experience.

Maybe its cause my face is twice the size its suppose to be, and I am coming off anesthesi....and basically stuffing mash potatoes into my very numb face- But  I wish I could do it all over again- I wish I could have been stronger, braver, asked more questions..then maybe Allie wouldn't have had to be hooked up to all those wires and IVs.
I hope that I get a chance to do it differently someday.

That's all.
Just wanted to share that.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Sharing


My good friend Ashley and I had a brilliant idea to bathe our children together. Because you know, some day when they are all akward and going through the pains of adolescences, we can be all like, OMG WE HAVE PICTURES OF YOU TWO NAKED IN THE BATH TUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Allie is super displeased here that Aiden has taken all the rings.
Ashley, you must frame this, and show it to all Aiden's potential girlfriends- and make sure you really emphasis the point that HE IS TAKEN.
That's not creepy...right?

Rock Bottom

I just realized I was listening to "Clay Aikon radio" on Pandora.

All his "Christmas classics"

*shrug*
If my Dad was still alive, he would have quite possibly have punched me in the face.

Just like when I told him I liked Neil Diamond...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Another Day

This morning went a lot more smoothly. Giving the fact that I am working a shift tonight that I am comfortable with. Its like fitting that square block right into its home-that perfect outline shaped like a square. These last couple of days I feel like a circle bashing my way through the hole meant for the triangle. I don't fit. I am uncomfortable and itchy. Like I am perpetually wearing a wool throw tightly around my neck. And even though I am surrounded by people that casually ask, "Are you OK?" I am wondering, does it matter?
My health, my attitude, my overall sense of motivation- I feel dwindles each day. I find myself drowning in complications, pulling myself up and trying once again to just keep going.
I have surrounded myself with healthy people- diving head first into reinstating my yoga practice- drinking wheat grass (which is actually much better, once you get used to it!) And isn't that just my point. I like routine.
I crave it- like a hot chocolate on a snowy afternoon. I crave predictability. I want to always have a plan, and know the outcome.
But that is just not reality.
Life is full of jealousy. I am a jealous person.
Life is full of tangled webs- that are sticky and self consuming. I frequently find myself wrapped in one daily.
I wrote in a previous post about finding balance- and another one about finding grace.
Both of these traits I do in fact posses - they are somewhere beneath the self doubt and shaky foundation.
Perhaps that is my mission. Through trying to "find myself" again- I will not only find my health.
But I just might find my confidence.

Monday, November 16, 2009

My new outlook

Starts with this:

I have read SO much information on this stuff- and it makes some big promises. Such as: more energy, boost immune system, makes you er.."regular" makes you see happy shiny things, such as a box full of wet kittens.
So I am attempting to stomach this delicious concoction of, um..grass. But at 18$ a pop I am pretty sure Josh is going to go make me pick some dandelions and blend them with some dirt. Hmmm it does actually taste like those two mixed together.


But I have a pretty pink cup to put it in. HUZZAH!
Oh and in the effort to make sure I am taking complete and total care of myself- I got up and went for a 2 mile run- and followed up with some yoga.
AND I started reading Eat Pray Love again, because its my "go to" book when I am feeling uninspired.

Here's to a positive healthy week!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

What's been new?

So many answers- so little time.


But in my opinion, a picture is worth 1000 words.
Ended up in the ER with severe pelvic pain, chalked it up to ruptured cysts... dehydration..and an overall hatred of everything.

Allessandra is displeased and has started screaming when things do not go her way.
 
But she is in love with her Daddy..even though he told her "No!" and she promptly stuck out her bottom lip and wailed.




She got new shoes though, and decided that now she can grab onto her "walker" and WALK herself across the living room.

I am tired. And this week I am 100% focusing on all things good and healthy- Even if it kills me.

Friday, November 13, 2009

TO whom it May concern...

"Are you PMSing"
Its a question that every girl just LOVES to be asked. I would compare the sound of those three words  to scraping  ragged finger nails down a chalk  board- and the sound of a car alarm going off for four fucking hours. Those three words do NOT bring joy to my life.
And, so WHAT if its true? That does not make it better.  In fact, at least in my opinion, it makes it a hell of a lot worse- because truthfully, I know that yelling at the cat and throwing a coat hanger at her, does in fact make me crazy, I am aware that getting out of my car and slaughtering the asshole that cut me off is actually illegal. But it certainly does not stop me from thinking it. And wanting desperately to act on it.
I am also aware of the continuous run on sentences that have been slapped all over this web page. But I don't give a shit. Just like I did not give a shit when I poured hot coffee down the front of my shirt this morning- or when I stepped on the scale and it blinked eights and died. I also did not give a shit when I stuffed coconut cake into my face, and cried at three Hallmark commercials.
I don't care that I am completely and utterly exhausted- or that I have to have my wisdom tooth ripped from its nice home under my jaw bone- I don't care that I still have a fever from said infectious wisdom tooth, or that I am an irrational crazy bitch.

I am aware of how this sounds. I KNOW I am being irrational.

Just don't point it out to me.
Thanks.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

8 Months....

Dear Allessandra,
Today you are eight months old.
 Which totally blows my mind, because when I was eight months pregnant- I was convinced that I would meet you at ANY TIME. 8 months seemed like SUCH a LONG TIME. But now, it was like I blinked my eyes and all of a sudden you were standing by yourself, declaring "BA!" when I handed you your bottle-calling me DA DA, and drinking from your big girl cup. WTF happened to my tiny helpless little newborn?

"ANY DAY NOW!" I would declare, desperately trying to pull on my shoes. I talked to you everyday, begging you to come out early, pleading, all the while shoving chocolate chips down my throat.  But you came out right on time. Just like the good punctual little person I know you will be.
All the books tell me that I can pretty much tell what my toddler will be like judging by your temperament now. But truthfully, I think I always knew the person you would be.
Even now, you never EVER stop moving. Even when you are sitting in your highchair- you frantically swing your legs back and forth, and whip your arms all around, as if you are conducting your own personal orchestra.
I chase you all over the place, grabbing random objects from your death grip. You are a girl on a mission. The only difference between now, and the previous letters I have written you, is that now you are pretty damn FAST. And you understand the word "NO!"
You still are incredibly sensitive to other people's energy- you reach for some, and push others away.
This month you have started to cry when I leave for work- which of course caused mommy have a complete mental break down- but to your face, I kissed you and hugged you, explaining that we would see each other
again soon.  I know you are always fine as soon as I leave- but it does not stop my crazy thought from racing through my head.
These past eight months, you have grown into this beautiful little girl, I seriously want nothing more then to watch you at all times. At least once every five minutes I burst out laughing at some silly thing you do.



The other day I was holding you while you drank from your bottle. This is something that I totally do not need to do anymore, but sometimes I still like to cradle you and pet your head.
I was thinking about how sad I was when your Grandpa and Uncle passed away- but how in return I was given you. This healthy, strong, funny, gifted little girl. Every time you place your tiny hand on my face and smile, or greet me with an open mouthed kiss, or even when you call me DA DA- I am in awe at how much I absolutely love you and how your life is a gift. Even if you puff out your cheeks at me in frustration, or squawk in disbelief as I tear a box of matches from your grasp.Or even if someday you think I am the most embarrassing person ALIVE...I am always going to be your mom.
And I will always be here for you.
I love you little girl.


Love,

Momma

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Because, YES! I always seem to have a problem...I thought I should causally stop by here and let you all know that I will be having my last wisdom tooth ripped from my face.
Just in time for Thanksgiving.
I actually had to leave work yesterday- since I was half convinced that I had swine flu-even though my face was swollen and my impacted wisdom tooth was STILL bothering me! (imagine that) But a 103 temp in my mind constitutes pig flu.
My tooth has no shit of a lie, been bothering me for a month now.

So. I am on antibiotics for a week. Then once the disgusting infection has cleared up, I will get the tooth ripped from my face.

I am so excited.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Running somewhere

I clocked 3 miles this morning, coming in right around 35 minutes. It's amazing how fast I can run, how GOOD I can feel, once I eliminate the enormous pressure that I inflict on myself.
I am, without a doubt, my biggest critic. I am always thinking I should be able to go faster, go farther, do more, add just one more thing.
But sometimes, You know? I just can't.
And sometimes, I just don't want to.

This morning on my run I spent a lot of time thinking about my brother. I was remembering some of the boring shit we used to do- and then after bursting out into a stream of giggles- because how totally funny and just plain ass backwards, that he is dead...and what I remember the most is him making up stupid songs.
One in particular that we used to sing was just a bunch of silly words set to the tune of  Route 66
How can it be, that after everything that we have gone thru, what I remember is being little kids making up words to the music that flowed through the walls of our house?

Jonah was a natural runner. And even when we were little kids, running laps around the house, until my mom suggested "Hey, how about you, you know, run SOMEWHERE?" He was always faster, and stronger.
 He had an air of confidence when he ran, one, that I wish I could memorize- so when I think back of him, I could always see it.

I always think of him when I run.
Maybe that's why I do it.

Friday, November 6, 2009

A Friday in Paradise ...

so.
I have a day off today. One in which I crawled on the ground in a pile of leaves, trying to figure out how to GET MY KEYS OUT OF THE SEWER DRAIN.
Oh, what's that? How did my keys get into said sewer drain?

I will give you one guess.

Ms. Allessandra poopey pants Mcgee- truly loves nothing more then to get her sticky fingers on everything, with no real reason, but to chuck the object as far as she can. Double points if its Mommy's work keys, car keys, or cell phone.

And- as you can imagine, in my spastic enjoyment of purchasing her a beautiful jacket from Old Navy for like pennies, I was floating on cloud nine. Thus,  completely unaware that she was eying my keys, that just happened to be minding their own business IN MY BAG. 

 Let me clarify this for you, in case you are not with me. My almost eight month old... REACHED IN MY BAG- GRABBED MY KEYS- AND THREW THEM.
...and because its my day off- and because its, well, me, they dropped into the GD sewer drain.
Fan tastic.
But let me just say, among my many other irrational fears, I am deathly afraid of locking my keys in my car. But instead of me, you know, having a spare key, I, um, have the fire station's *non emergency* number in my phone. (Even though, me stranded with a screaming, cold, hungry, angry baby, does IN MY BOOK constitute as a fucking emergency) ...but that's just me.  The angry lady I spoke to on the phone, I am pretty sure thought differently.
So anyways, to make a very long story short. I decided to be resourceful and ASK for help.
With a little wire and a magnet...(seriously..wtf??!!) my keys were eventually giving back to my loving care.
The guy that helped me was all "Macgyver" like-I was half expecting him to spit out a piece of chewing gum and fandango a special "key grabbing mechanism."
I guess the MAGNET he pulled out of his back pocket was pretty impressive. But chewing gum would have made a better story.
..but thats just me.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

........TIS THE SEASON!


Lets talk for a second about the Holiday Starbucks cups that have made their grande (hahah) appearance at Starbucks. 
While, a part of me is three seconds away from tuning into any and all holiday music stations, throwing a sparkle encrusted holiday dripping scarf around my neck, and venturing into the "holiday season" - the other part is all like WTF CHRISTMAS?!
And then someone will energetically chime in, "No, Chelsea! Thanksgiving is first!"
Oh. Right.
But we skip over Thanksgiving like its just one last meal before we throw ourselves head first into crowded parking lots, and ONE DAY ONLY SALES. I am wringing my hands in the anticipation of the TRAFFIC- the honking horns, and the general "pissed off attitude" that seems to be that of the "shopping public."
And lets not forget last year on Christmas eve, when I GOT HIT BY A CAR. 8 months pregnant...and a jackass backed his car into me, as in ME AS A PERSON, not ME AS A CAR. 
So, really, I become a little weary of the static energy revolving around the PANIC of holiday shopping.
I may have become a little jaded, given the fact that I have been in the retail environment for a few years. This year, however, I am in a little bit of a "different" situation, given the fact that I no longer work directly in apparel. So- while everyone else will be drowning in their "busy season" I will be able to take days off in December- *SHOCK*.

In other news, getting in the spirit- I went into Allie's room this morning, and she was dressed in her CHRISTMAS Pjs.



Also, I will leave you with this little gem.
In between writing this post, and heating up my coffee that seemed to get cold 5 seconds after I poured it. I returned to the couch to see Allie STANDING ON A SHOE BOX, HOLDING A LIGHTER.
Seriously.
She is standing all by herself these days....and my secret fear of her burning this place to the ground, is slowly becoming less of an irrational fear.



Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Sometimes your the windshield.....Sometimes you're the bug

I am really trying to focus on simplifying my life.
These last couple of weeks I have been struggling to find balance.  Something, that I used to own, almost, at times, effortlessly.
That was back in the day when my idea of a "relaxing morning", was standing on my head for a couple minutes, followed by 20 minutes of peaceful meditation. ( I kinda want to punch myself in the face right now.)
Seriously.

Perhaps I was a bit naive. I guess I assumed I would always find my center.
But in the midst of shoving a turkey sandwich down my throat, steering the car with my knee, as I pop open whatever diet soda that I had tossed in my purse the previous night.... my "balance" it seems, most of the time took a flying leap out of my moving car, and ended up smashed on my windshield.
I feel like most of the time I am hanging on by a tiny thread- balancing Allie in one arm, and 15 bags of groceries, purse, keys, phone, coffee...and it always seems to be that way. Even if I am just holding her..I have seventeen other things that I need to take care of, or I am late, or I am to be SOMEWHERE.
As in,  it seems that everything is always complicated.
Tangles and tangles of little odds and ends, that pull loose- unraveling into an even bigger mess.

So, I am looking to once again simplify the complicated.


By taking it one day at a time.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Dear Internet,
I am may, or may not, have had a slight mental breakdown this morning. One in which, I got my ass out of bed. Took the child for a mile and a half WALK- where I perfected I am walking with my head cocked to the right side, to not jolt any other muscle in my neck and or back...walk.
Its super fantastic. Everyone should totally exercise that way. 
But the crazy thing is, I feel better.  I can totally turn my head 2cms more to the left then I could a couple of days ago, and I can almost completely view my blind spot, while driving. The previous days, honestly, I was just winging it.
Anyways, internet, back to my crazy morning. I walked...in pain..I drove..in pain...I downed a couple of Aleve, and a medium Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla coffee (skim milk,one splenda) and then I decided to make cookies.
All morning.
Oh...and...I talked to a career "adviser" from an online Universtiy about ...."my life goals"
For 45 GOD DAMN MINUTES.
About what I want to do with my life.

Blink, Blink blink blink

But, the tricky thing here, internet, is I have NO IDEA.

And I was so discombobulated with this notion, that I have absolutely no direction, no real idea of what field I want to get in to. Or even, if I am happy stagnant..or if I want to take a giant leap into something that I might enjoy.
This crazy lady kept asking me questions.
And I had no answers.
And this perplexed me so much, internet, that it took me all day to write to you.

I am 26 years old, and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.