Monday, August 31, 2009

Ever since I became a mother, my life was catapulted into a whirl wind of "responsibility" and while this really means that I am much more vocal about my needs and my daughters needs, it surly has not stopped me from cursing like a truck driver, especially in response to assholes who do not hold the door when they see me OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO MANEUVER MY STROLLER THROUGH SAID DOOR WAY.

Having Allie with me, when I go out into public, definitely gives me a out, when it comes to talking to myself. Cause, duh, I am actually talking to Allie. Cause Allie cares, and the Pediatrician did encourage me to talk to her as much as possible.

Cut to dickhead watching me repeatedly ram the side of the stroller into the side of the doorway, trying to shove it, and myself through the incredibly tiny space.
I then decided to tell Allie, that "douchebags that just stand and watch people struggling sometimes deserve to be punched in the throat!" "Yes they Do, Yes they do!
Allie, being in total agreement with her mom, shoved her fist deeper into her mouth and farted.


Again, while trying to use stroller in Barnes and Noble, I stated rather loudly, that, "Barnes and Noble sure is not set up for strollers! Are they? NO they are noooot! No they are not Allie Pants!
While passing the magazine rack, "Wow Allie! Mary Kate Olsen sure looks like a coked out whore! Huh, Allie, is Mary Kate Olsen a coked out whore? Yes she is. Mommy is right. Huh!

Smile, coo, drool

Sometimes, I think that probably I should care what other people around me think. But truthfully, I care about as much as I care when I see other Mom's talking mindlessly to their children. Which is why on several different occasions I motor boat her face, make silly sounds, or practice random games of peek a boo. Lets be honest here, I would probably whip my pants off in public and wear them on my head, if it made Allie chuckle.
I am totally her bitch huh?

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Next Step...

It is no secret that I am incredibly proud of my daughter, who at 4 months started to throw her body across the floor, which slowly led to a crawl type activity - which now has morphed into more of a "real crawl" but Allessandra has decided that crawling is for babies, and has started PULLING HER SELF UP TO STAND. Its more of a downward dog position, but is up with that? The child CANNOT SIT UP ON HER OWN! BUT SHE IS PULLING HERSELF UP TO STAND?

The other day I came into her room to get her up from her nap, and there is her little face peeking up over the side of the crib, she was on her knees pulling her face over the edge.


Thursday, August 27, 2009

And why I sometimes have to be medicated....

So I assume if you are a frequent reader of this blog, you are well versed with all news relating to my vagina, uterus, and or boobs. And since you are still reading this, I can also safely assume that hearing about these topics does not phase you. So you may continue reading.

So since we are on a "vagina knowing bases" this may not come as a surprise that I am now going to step across that well defined threshold and let you into my bathroom, or rather, my Porta Potty as the case is today.
Let me be straight with you, I. hate. porta. potties. Anytime that I am going to be forced into a situation where I
might have to use one...
I hold it.

being.... poo ...

I hold it, like I am gonna get a prize for holding it the longest- I hold it so well, that one time I did not
poo for a WEEK.

I find porta potties to be revolting, little shit houses that are plunked in the middle of no where in order to collect poop. Its ONLY JOB is to collect human waste.
And if I need to gooooooo, I have to lock myself in a tiny box along with other people's shit.
So in reality a porta potty encompasses my two worst fears: germs, and being stuck in small places.
So why am I bringing this up? Good question.
I run.

I run a lot.

My other fear, along with porta potties, is having to do my business in a place other then a place that would be provided for me to do such things.
I do not squat.
And I do not use leaves to wipe my ass.

But I also run outdoors. In the humidity. In the morning.
Are you catching what I am throwing out at you?
My irrational fear about pooing outdoors has actually managed to monopolize my current life. I have dreaded pooing
so much, that I have actually made myself not able to use the bathroom AT ALL.

Which really makes for an uncomfortable run.

Now, in my current situation, I am gulping prune juice and chewing on FIBERONE bars, like my life depends on it.

But also, still running. So I KNOW my day will come when all the stars line up and It will be my time- and the ONLY THING AVAILABLE TO ME WILL BE A SHIT HOUSE GLEAMING IN THE SUNSHINE.

I am never going to poo again, am I?

Can I ask a question?

Why is Michael Jackson not buried yet?

Cause seriously


He Died like 8 months ago.

Lets get a move on people.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

My obligatory "I feel guitly Post"

1. For smooshing the pillow into my face, and pretending to not hear the alarm clock. I say, "Choosy Moms Choose sleep over a three mile run!"

2. For spending way too much money at AC Moore, mainly on Halloween themed products, when it is actually still August, and I, in reality don't have any Halloween pictures of Allessandra yet. But seriously people, I have been planning this day, since last year. Probably before that if I was really honest with myself. I have three pages of her scrapbook DEDICATED to her FIRST HALLOWEEN. Case in point: in her baby book there is a place to put pictures and document her first holiday. Well, Josh keeps reminding me it was EASTER, but I say F*uck Easter, Halloween is where the good pictures are waiting.
I do realize I just took the Lord's resurrection in vain, or something like that, is this also a good time to mention that Allie is not going to be baptized?

3. For missing National Cupcake Day. How people, HOW? Did I miss NATIONAL CUPCAKE DAY? I belong to a CUPCAKE NEWSLETTER! I read a blog about them, hell I even TWITTER about them. I am feeling very upset about this, I think I must bake a slew of cupcakes in order to make up the fact that I missed this national holiday.

4. For not drinking my recommended amount of water. I know, I know, THE HORROR! But seriously, some days I come home and piss out what could be compared to Apple cider, and I am all like, hmmmmm what did I drink today? Cooooffeee, some diet coke, some more Coooffeee.
Fan tastic.

5. For chucking a tube of crazy glue at my cat for "Meowing annoyingly" See also, "kicking annoying cat off bed"
But listen here haters, I had just sat in a car with a screeching baby for THREE HOURS. Allie, decided that sleeping all of 30 minutes would suffice, and the rest of the time would be AN AMPLE OPPORTUNITY TO TEST OUT HER LUNG CAPACITY.
I am sure that wiping my ass with sandpaper for three hours would have been much more fun. SO, yes, when the cat was screaming in my face, I threw a tube of glue at her.
I don't take it back.
She was being a jerk.

I still Love her though.

Monday, August 24, 2009

I have More Hair.....

This is me. I wish I knew who that Chick is next to me, but sadly I do not. BUT I know that me and my kid kinda look alike.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


We are pretty much in love.

Allessandra Isabelle has an extensive Fan club. She tries to entertain at every moment.
Isn't brave of me to put a picture of myself in a BATHING SUIT? Jeepers. However it is the only way I can document Allie's first trip into the water...and all of the pictures with me bending over, well, yeah, this is the best one I could find.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


I have been thinking a lot lately. I know, right? Yes it does hurt.
Shut up Josh.

Being a parent, particularly a mother is a lot more difficult then anyone ever really tells you. I only say Mother because unfortunately I will never know the other side of the fence from my obvious lack of penis.

Right now, I understand I am not fielding questions, or sending my child into public hoping that she doesn't point out all the fat people, or casually call someone a motherfucker, like my friend's child did the other day.
I am not in the position to practice some hardcore "parenting", I don't correct homework, or have parent teacher conferences.
But what I am doing at this very moment is still trying to work a life around a very tiny MOBILE sponge.
And yesterday, balancing her car seat in one arm and bags of groceries in the other, I just realized that we all (mothers) just do the best we can.
Yes, sometimes I eat a large calzone encrusted with pepperoni and peppers instead of eating a large green salad. Sometimes I just roll around on the ground with Allie instead of doing a four mile run, and other times I just stay in bed, cause sleeping tops running any day.

Sometimes, I put her in the front of the TV and let her zone out, even though I know that what I should be doing is teaching her songs and reading her books. Sometimes I scream at her Dad even tho I know she is watching, and sometimes we leave her on the bed and she ends up with a concussion And although this event sent me in a spiral of self doubt that I can't even explain, I realized that I truly really 100% am doing the BEST I CAN.

And let me take this moment to shout out to my wonderful friend Ashley that is doing everything BY HERSELF.
God help me if I had to ALWAYS CARRY THE BABY BY MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!! I usually trick Josh into carrying just about everything.
Ashley, you deserve the MOTHER OF THE YEAR award.
You inspire me. Truly.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


So Allessandra's pediatrician advised me to "not to place blame" on anyone in particular.

So in the interest of "not placing blame" He, who shall remain nameless , is not to blame, per say, but I am just saying, if he had been watching her like he was suppose to then she would not have tried to fly off the bed and ended up with a concussion.

This is not me placing BLAME. Simply making an observation.

I turned into one of those mothers yesterday. You know, the mother that is holding their screaming child, saying "BUT I ONLY TURNED MY BACK FOR ONE SECOND?! ONE SECOND AND THIS HAPPENED! And the child is all like, "But I wanted to see if my finger would grow back?" Blink...blink.

Well there I was, holding my precious child who was happily showing off her spanking new bruise/goose egg- in the Doctor office, visiting for a NON WELL BABY VISIT.
And I said those magical words, "But Doctor, it was one second, how could she have thrown her body off the bed in the time that it took *He, who shall remain nameless* to open up his gmail and peruse WOOT?"
And he was all like, "Babies are fast."

He wasn't saying it out right, but he was totally on *He, who shall remain nameless's side*
Then he proceeded to tell me about this one time when he turned around for one second, and his daughter was laying face down in two inches of water.
Blink, blink blink.

I am willing to bet 20$ that, that near drowning incident gets tossed around just as much as I plan on using the concussion incident.


Let me say this, Allessandra is fine. I certainly cried more then she did, and could not have felt more guilty, then if I had dropped her off the bed myself.
I went with my gut instinct and took her to the Doctor, even tho *He, who shall remain nameless* Was all like, SHES FIIIIINE! HER HEAD IS NOT EVEN THAT PURPLE ANYMORE!

And we were diagnosed with a mild concussion. Which in the pediatric world, is as common as an ear infection.

Is it totally wrong if I put her in a helmet?
*He, who shall remain nameless, decided that documenting my misery would be good for her baby book. This is right after her head injury..look at me letting her sleep.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

21 Days ago....She had a lot to say

Happy Allessandra from Josh on Vimeo.

Marathon Training continues...

3 Mile run this morning. The mist was just rising above the grass, when the sun started to rise. Maybe it was the fact that I was wearing a fanny pack, but Sweet Baby Jesus, is that not the most beautiful thing to see while huffing it at 5:30AM?

Friday, August 14, 2009


This is Gross. There really is no way around this, and because the interweb is my official bff, I have to share this with you.

Just go ahead and put all your food away, set down your coffee, take a deep breath, and think happy thoughts.

I am infectious.

I mean, I have an infection. a place where the baby came out- and by that, I mean the six inch scar that lines my lower half. This infection has caused my scar to um. gross. How do I say this?


Just enough to make me shudder in disgust and whimper in aggravation.

I did act all adult and phone in to my Doctor lady, who was all like, "Are you doing too much?"
and I was like, "I don't understand the question."

Doing too much? You mean, am I working 40 hours a week, training for a marathon, being a mom and a wife and hopping on one foot while quacking like a duck all day ever day?

Then.....why yes! I am doing too much.

I am now suppose to push down my competitive tendencies and, excuse me while I choke on this notion, take it easy.

I explained my training schedule, mapping out for her the gradual increase of mileage. All in all she seemed "OK" with it. But since she was all like "You don't want to die.."
I have to make sure I am healing.

After one day of some antibiotics on my lovely infection, it already feels better. And I am taking tomorrow off. And by that, I mean from running. I still have another six days straight of working, before I am laying out flat in the sun (with sun screen OMFG) while Josh feeds me grapes and offers to change every diaper and part take in every feeding.
Its going to be awesome.

So there is that.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


You all know that scene in What about Bob? Where Bill Murry is duck taped to the sail boat- blissfully declaring to the world that he is sailing. "Look at me! I am sailing! I sail!"

That is exactly how I feel at this moment.

Its how I feel about being a parent,a wife, a daughter, a sister, a boss.... I am duck taped to the bow of a ship shouting at the top of my lungs


In other words.

I am going to follow the golden rule, I don't have anything nice to say, so I am keeping my mouth shut- just gonna continue to sail.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I just signed up for a 1/2 Marathon for November 15th- with the intention of doing a full marathon in February.

So, I am "Thinking" What the hell is wrong with me?

Monday, August 10, 2009

5 Months

Dear Allie,
My 5 month old. Can you believe it? I thought babies that ended in "month old" were mystical creatures. Behold the baby that does not scream for three hours straight. And you are finally a baby a babbling, cooing, delightful being that continues to make me laugh out loud. Maybe five months should be enough time for me to actually contemplate that not only do I have a daughter but I also have a gorgeous daughter, a smiling, laughing, gorgeous daughter, and you are MINE. I MADE YOU.
Or the six inch scar...whichever will do it for ya.
This past month has been pretty exciting, no longer are Daddy and I searching frantically for the receipt that most definitely MUST HAVE COME WITH YOU BECAUSE OH GOD HOW DO WE RETURN THE BABY THAT WONT STOP CRYING?!
You don't really cry like that anymore, in fact I cant really remember those crying fits- I think I have buried them deep down, along with the labor pain, and the SNIPPING SOUNDS OF THE C SECTION! How else do parents decide to have another baby?
Your crying- some how no longer sends Daddy and I into a panic, we usually are able to figure out the pitch of your scream and chalk it up to: feed me please, or I am so tired I cant keep my eyes open. Or my own personal favorite cry, which we experienced yesterday, the get me the fuck out of this car seat cry that lasts just as long as it takes us to pull into our apartment complex.
That one is my favorite.
Its awesome.

I love hearing your voice, when you babble along slurs of sounds like a drunken sailor. I love it when you reach up and caress my face, or lay your head momentarily on my shoulder, just to rest.
I love that you get so damn proud of yourself when we pull you up to stand- or push our hands away when we attempt to help you hold your bottle. Your independence overwhelms me sometimes. I just can't believe how fast you are growing up, and changing, exploring and learning. Everytime you discover something new, or learn a new trick I nearly trip over myself grabbing for the nearest camera to capture the moment. I want to remember everything for you- so someday you will know.
You will know how much I love you. How much every single day I get tangled in my sheets trying to get up to go see you- to hold you and tickle you, and sing you songs. You will know that having you waiting at the end of any race is always the trick that gets me to move my butt just a little bit faster. Just to see you smile in delight brightens my entire day.

Sometimes late at night your Dad and I discuss your future, what you will be, what you will do. What we want for you, what we don't. And God Allie, all I want for you, is happiness. Whatever makes you happy. Be it Cheer leading, football, drama queen, bookworm, whatever it is, do it. Do it cause you deserve to be happy. And don't listen to your Dad, all Cheer leaders are not whores. And sweetie, this is probably a long time coming, but anytime your dad asks you about sex, whores, or anything relating to that subject, You are a virgin and are saving yourself till marriage. That is the answer that will always save lives.

I hope you know how much I love you.

And even though I know at some point you wont need me to wipe your face, change your diaper, or sing you to sleep, I hope you always take a minute to rest with your head on my shoulder.

Cause even though you wont like it, You will always be my baby.


Friday, August 7, 2009

I see a little of me in this pic....Just a little


I need a good day.
I need it like a new mom needs sleep after being awake for 48 hours.
Like Peanut butter needs Jelly. Like...plants need water...?

I need a day where I don't drop things, run into things, cut my hand open on a random piece of metal, where I don't spend most of the day feeling like my stomach is trying to evacuate my body.
I need enough help, and more time. I need to not drop coffee on myself, or forget my lunch.
I need a day where everything fits into the right spaces, people are happy and forget how to complain.
A day where I don't sweat, or worry, or get angry, or impatient.
I need a day where I don't here about money, or saving it, where the scale flashes shiny happy lights and does not scream when it sees me approaching.
A day where the vending machine does not call my name.

I need a day where everything adds up right, where I don't have to send out emails explaining mistakes- where I don't have to hear about all the things I did wrong.
Just one day, internet, where everything just goes RIGHT.

I really don't think that is too much to ask.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Jus when I think she looks like me...

I look at a pic of her Dad. Josh was alone in the room when she was conceived. Obviously.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

When you have a baby and want to run...

You usually end up doing it at odd times.

Proof of a 5 mile Run that I did tonight after a full day of work.

I know, I rock.
And yeah, I know some of you are all like...Ha this is not PROOF. And to you people, you can go die in a fire.
Or ask my Brazilian husband- who showed up at 9PM to work out like it "aint no thang"
I had him document my running experience.
I am super proud.
So is the guy in the background.
I enjoyed his mullet.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Just in case you thought I was kidding

This morning, after Allie was changed, fed, and put back down to sleep at 6AM- I pulled on my running shoes, grabbed my ipod, and headed to the gym to complete my morning 3 mile run. And excuse me,I did this in 30 minutes.
Thank you, Thank you.

I am actually trying to ignore the searing hot pain in my lower back, and forget the fact that my ass jiggled like 100 times more then my boobs....whats up with that?
One point after Allie was born, when I was still breast feeding, I decided to attempt a slow jog, I damn near gave myself a bloody nose from the ginormous traffic cones that were strapped to my chest.
And I complained about it.
But now....sigh. Everything is going back to "normal size" just a little more saggy and soft.
Makes you totally want to have kids right?

Anyways I am currently researching a 1/2 marathon PLAN/Running Schedule/ when I find one I shall post it. Like I said before, my training for this 1/2 will happen after the Falmouth Road Race....on that Monday, providing I am not dead tired or sore as shit, which I imagine I most likely will be.

Oh and on a different random topic GO MELISSA!!!!!!!!! Next Food network star! I am so excited to watch her show, cause I am all like...4 MINUTE CHICKEN?! I CAN MAKE THAT!!!!!! YOU HAVE DAUGHTERS! ME, I HAVE A DAUGHTER! WE ARE SO ALIKE!

And on the plus side, if that guy had won and I had to hear the word "smuggler" over and over again, I would laugh myself into an asthma attack. Much like I did last night. He was all like "HI I am Jeffery and I am the Ingredient Smuggler!"

Hahahha smuggler. Like a grape smuggler. Smuggler of grapes. Hahahahhahah

I am 12.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

I Got Goals people

Lately I have been playing the "I wish I could do that" game. I wish I could make gourmet cupcakes, all dignified and gooey filled with cream cheese goodness, or topped off with rich, thick icing all placed in a way that says, why yes! I am awesome at making cupcakes. I mean don't get me wrong, lately my FB status has read "Making cupcakes" more times then it has said, "reading" or "running"....but my way of making cupcakes, has me making them so that I can actually, you know, eat them. So I make them with a can of diet coke. (I am serious. 1 box of cake mix, 1 can of diet coke, mix, put in cupcake pan, bake at 350 for 17 min) This makes the delicious snack 2 whopping WW points. *That's Weight Watchers for you people that don't pay attention*
Anyways- I would like to learn how to decorate cupcakes, its on my TO DO list.

Also, I have been slacking. I confess. I have 2.5 pounds to lose from my 50 that I gained while pregnant.
I have 7 miles to run next weekend- and truthfully I would rather be making cupcakes reading, or writing, then running the amount of mileage that I SHOULD be running in order to easily complete the race, and you know, WORK THE NEXT DAY.

So I decided that before I have my next child...GASP (Did you all fall over?) Yes, I have decided that I would in fact like another tiny baby, but first I will run a 1/2 marathon...13.1 miles.
And I will complete this in the Fall. *This was going to be Run a Marathon...but seriously, people the type of time I would need in order to train for a marathon, I just don't have with a full time job and a baby.
I have decided I will write about my training in order to stay honest. I find the interwebs to be quite motivational, with its accusing glares and all.....

But first up- I shall gauge where my running actually is, by completing this race, you can read about it here

And next comes the baby jogging stroller....Did you all hear Josh sigh?

I doubt I had this growing up

...Give me a second Mom, I am learning....

We have exactly 10 minutes of playtime in this contraption before she is all like, OK MOM, HAND ME DOSTOEVSKY, CHEWING ON THIS DRAGON FLY"S WINGS HAS MADE ME SMART!

This is what happens when my back is turned...