Friday, July 31, 2009


It always makes me sad when people act exactly the way you expect them to.

Oh and Good morning!

What not to casually mention to me

....That the baby rolled off the couch last night.

....but shes fine. And on the plus side.. now she knows where the edge of the couch is....

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My Daughter, she knows what she wants

And I think the fact that she knows what she wants, has catapulted her "crawling skill" into over drive.

Case in point: My beautiful baby girl, sees another baby playing with a toy that she decides that she would like. So she crawls/throws her body half way across the floor and after pausing for a moment, RIPS IT OUT OF THE CHILD"S LOVING GRASP.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. Houston we have a PROBLEM.

I jumped up and down and nearly choked to death on Gatorade because HELLO!!! SHE JUST LIKE BITCH SLAPPED THAT LITTLE GIRL?!

To be honest, I didn't really know what to do- I mean, she just took the toy but, um shes a baby, so like what did I want? Should she have asked nicely?

But like the mom is looking at me, and her baby is squealing - so I marched up to Allie, explained loudly that we "cant just take things from babies..(WTF?)" And handed her a nice pink stuffed dog, while trying to smoothly eject the toy from her death grip.
Which, um, yeah, did not go great. Lets just say- Allie kept reaching for the toy and shoved it SO FAR INTO HER MOUTH THAT SHE THREW UP ON IT.

Again I say:
4 and 1/2 Months.
4 1/2 Months?????!!

This is me saying: "Give Mommy the spoon Allie, Let Go honey, ALLIE GIVE MOMMY THE SPOON PLEASE???!!"

Allie's new Friend

8 Month Skill my Ass

4 and 1/2 Months PEOPLE.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Why I have a pillow in the bathroom.

Why? you might ask, am I sitting in my bathroom writing on my blog, why am I not sleeping soundly after working all night?
Well let me tell you. I did something called "mix too many nasty things and then try to work while my stomach was busy trying to evacuate itself through my nostril"

You might at this point be scratching you head going, "what stuff could she be referring to, what are these things that would cause such a horrifying reaction?"

Well for one, 5 Hour energy- 5 hour energy/tiny bottle of liquid death. But it was not JUST the 5 Hour energy/liquid death that did me in, OH NO- I think it was the 56 tootsie rolls, and THE WENDYS THAT WE DECIDED TO EAT AT 2AM. The last time that I consumed fast food was two YEARS ago, so why, I wonder did I think that eating a spicy chicken sandwich at 2 friggen o'clock in the morning was such a stellar idea?

I distinctly remember thinking, this is a bad idea. I had just shaken off the extra mayonnaise that coated my fingers, when I felt the familiar feeling of doom. Then my body went into evacuation mode- and well, I keeled over and died, I am dead. You could hear the organ playing from the third bathroom stall.

Josh threw his body over my coffin screaming " SUCH A BAD IDEA! WHY CHICKEN SANDWICH AT 2AM WOMAN?"

I no longer have anything else to throw up- but I am still doing it.

And that is why currently I have a pillow with me in the bathroom.

Send Ginger ale.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Why leaving for work kinda sucks sometimes

We are going to skip Crawling all together

I am most certainly showing my last three pounds in this picture..but whatever no one is looking at me...and yeah, she pulls herself up to stand.

My baby!

Next up, Allie changes her own diapers!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Quick Update
Dr appointment went amazing. Allie is 13 pounds 25 inches

O and we are allowed to start Baby food. First up, Bananas...Which Allie enjoyed so much she felt the need to do a happy cross eyed jig in between bites- and then, just because she felt I was not feeding her fast enough, she would grab my hand and shove the spoon farther into her mouth- and half suck half bite it.

We are working on it.

My Own Book Club Bitches

So, um, because I have no life because I choose my daughter over pretty much everything in my life- because I have horrible Mom work guilt- or I have some backwards horrifying hours such as 8PM-4:30Am and 10PM to 6:30AM-
I have not made it to Book club in quite some time. Which makes me feel particularly sad, as if I am letting my "intellectual side" get all fat and unruly and wear sweat pants out into public.

But truly, I am not. In fact, I was reading three books at once, right now I am down to two (I finished one! YEY I got Math skills yo)

Truthfully I bought this book, because I wanted to see the movie, and the likely hood of me actually getting to go SEE this movie is pretty slim- given the fact that Josh would rather castrate himself then go see it with me- same goes for most of my girlfriends who just dont see chick flicks
Also, this whole notion of cooking every recipe in The Art of French Cooking intrigues me. Cause well, I just learned how to bake- I am learning how to cook, and someday I would love to throw a dinner party clad in my apron, heels and pearls- and not, you know, set off the fire alarm or cause food poisoning.
A girl can dream.

This is the book I just finished. And while I like it, I feel like I read it before, it was called Beaches. You know, Hilary and Cee Cee, Wind beneath my wings....? The ULTIMATE BFF book/movie? Ah well, there was the typical fat chick/plain character and the pretty vivacious blond character - friends growing up, then comes booze, parties, fat jokes, throw in a rape or two and you get a Jennifer Weiner book. I like it. But I feel like she is cranking out books, cause that's what she does...not because they are fabulous. Like Good in Bed, or In her Shoes, cause those books rocked.

What I am currently reading.....

And I certainly hope I will not take a brick to my face after diving into this one. Because if you ever read any of Jodi's books, you know the key elements that make up her recipe for success. A trial. Shock. Someone dies... horribly... tragically. And you will go WHAT???!!!! at least twice.
And some GD character has curly red hair. Really Jodi? Really? Is it because YOU HAVE CURLY RED HAIR? Were we as readers NOT SUPPOSE TO PICK UP ON THAT? Cause OH MY GOD think of a new character! Its not that I dont absolutely adore her books, I do personally own, I think, everything that she has written- its just that sometimes every single book is the SAME. So I am carefully reading this one. I read it bit by bit until it grabs me and wont let me go.

I seem to have some unresolved anger towards Jodi Picoult...

Its not intentional.

The battle of the THUMB


Allessandra gets grumpy, weepy, upset, sticks her thumb in her mouth for two seconds and is done with it.
So whats the problem?


Daddy is the problem.

Daddy does not like Allessandra sucking her thumb, or a pacifier- or her fingers, he is Anti "sucking" I am starting to wonder if this some sort of weird father reaction to his "sucking"......on things. *Cough* *Cough*

I sent him this picture via picture text- and what did he say?


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Thank You SELF.

Its no secret that I have a very strong addiction to coffee- its also no secret that my coffee addiction has caused several problems in my life, one being that sometimes I talk too fast and ahem...have what people refer to as "Jitters". I also definitely have some "stomach issues" after drinking too much Starbucks, and frequently shout to Josh, "I AM NEVER DRINKING COFFEE AGAIN!"
To which he responds in the same way I am sure a husband would, who deals with his wife rolling around in her own vomit, claiming that she is never doing shots again; he shouts back.

I crave coffee, I love the way it tastes, the way it smells, hell I even like coffee breath.
Which is why I did a happy wiggle dance after reading this article in the latest issue of self.

Turns out, even though I might be destroying my stomach lining- and revolting my husband with my Starbucks breath, I am actually helping my boobs, and prolonging my life.
So I guess I will make the next one a Venti.

Sugar Sugar

This morning, while balancing a bowl of Rice Krispies on my lap, and sipping my coffee, I remembered being a little girl, sitting at our kitchen table, eating the very same cereal, only then, I had dumped four tablespoons of sugar into a heaping pile on top of the crispy morsels. Thus making the "snap, crackle, and pop" extra "crunchy" and "gritty" with sugary goodness.
I had a bit of a love affair with the sugar bowl, in fact most of the time I was all like, "yes I would like some cheerios with my sugar!" Same went for oatmeal, my Dad would make us breakfast in the morning, sometimes that breakfast was oatmeal and oatmeal, naturally, came with brown sugar. How many times do you think I added to my already brown seeping mass, every single time my dad turned his back.
If your answer was "the entire bowl" you would be right.

...And that is what happens when you are not allowed sugary cereal.

This morning, I enjoyed my cereal sans sugar, and drank my coffee black- I guess over time the need to OD on sugar has finally loosened its nasty grip on my waist line.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Hi! My name is Allie, May I eat your face?


Have you ever been doing something just completely mindless and then all of a sudden realize that you once were a huge bag of douche?
OK wait a second. Let me explain. Sometimes, at my job I like to do this one random task that by itself is like the most overwhelming thing ever- but individually its very soothing to my OCD tendencies.
So last night, I am meticulously part taking in this task, and my mind is blank, and then all of a sudden I am hit with this awful memory of myself in first grade- where I am doing almost the same mindless task, except instead of flipping shoes I was throwing out people's lunches.

Go ahead and get your WTF?! Out.

I am confessing.
When I was in first grade, me and my partner in crime would sneak in from recess and hunt down our classmates cubbies- and very meticulously drop their lunch bags into the trash. ( do not remember her name, or maybe I do, but I think I should protect her privacy- all I truly remember of her was that her pants never stayed up, and while I was throwing out little kids lunches she was stuffing her face with oreos, ham sandwiches, and goldfish)

Why did I do this? Honestly, I have no idea. I do remember the shear excitement when the bag of goods THUNKED at the bottom of the industrial sized garbage bin. And I enjoyed snagging a pudding cup or two and sharing it with drooppy pants.
Its a damn miracle we never got caught. But before you get all angry with me, and start writing hate mail- two things did stem from this behavior.
1. I remember very clearly the first time I received ice cream money from my Dad, it got stolen.
And 2. Some little shit stole my shoes.

So whatever, they deserved it.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

A fun Game

Entitled What will Allessandra hold and shove into her mouth?

A LIFE cereal box?
A napkin?
Mommy's cellphone?
A tampon?

........... SHUT UP its all I had left!

But, This picture is my absolute favorite. I feel it truly captures our deep connection.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

How to Charm me

Finally fit your whole foot into your mouth, and look at me incredulously as if I had been keeping this tasty snack from you your whole life.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A Note

Dear Chelsea,
Can you have a baby named Eilla (I think that's what it says)
I hope Love Josh
PS I love you

You know what is delicious?

Daddy's Leg.

Mother's Unite!

So, I guess I never realized that there was some sort of silent code that mothers shared. If I had known this, I would have summoned the force way sooner then yesterday morning.
Let me explain.
Yesterday Allie and I decided that we would visit Daddy at his job. But first, I needed to drive to the mall where I would sashay Allessandra down the corridor of the mall and show her off to her fans. The only problem was I could not strap Allie tightly enough into her front carrier, thus causing her to wobble back and forth, much like a full body bobble head. So even I, a new mother, knows that the point of a front carrier is that you do NOT have to HOLD THE BABY leaving your arms free to do what arms will do. Like shop. And drink coffee, and stuff butterscotch scones into ones faces.

However, I digress. So there I was, sunglasses in mouth, cellphone, keys, coffee all on the top of my car, with me pressed up against the car (to hold the baby in place) STOP JUDGING I DONT HAVE 8 HANDS PEOPLE. Finally I realized that either I was going to say F it to the front carrier, and just carry the baby into the mall, or I was going to find some person to take pity on me.
And it was like God himself finally stopped laughing and ordered the massive miny van to pull in next to me.
And wouldn't you know it, out pours a mother and her four tiny children, she took one look at me struggling to balance my life with one baby- and immediately asked if she could be of assistance.
With a snap of a finger and a wiggle of her nose she had Allessandra tightly strapped in place, face wiped, bottle fed, and she may have changed her diaper in those few seconds, it all happened so fast.
Regardless, she humbled me. Because while she was helping me, she was strategically instructing her tiny children to line up and walk single file, I think they may have broken out into song, but who could be sure.
We all walked into the mall together. We exchanged numbers and made promises to meet for coffee.

I never knew that other mothers could be so forth coming- and wouldn't you have guessed that she was FULL of advice for dealing with teething.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Saturday, July 11, 2009

How to Charm me

Tell me that you would like me to go home and make myself a formula sandwich and grow a baby Albert in my tummy, so that Allie can have an "opposite" and you can play with both of them.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Happy 4 Months ..a few days early cause Mommy works..and has no time!

Dear Allie (AKA “buggy, Bugsy, Booger face, Bub , Poop face, Pumpkin, doodlebug, Porcupine, Allie Pants, Allie Pants Mcgee, Angel cake, strawberry cupcake doodle bug, and also, on rare occasion: Allessandra Isabelle. )
Let me just say, I cannot believe that four months have passed us by. And it absolutely went by in a blink of an eye, maybe it’s because for the entire month Mommy was deep in the throes of mass depression, or maybe because it literally rained the entire month. Who can really say? But here we are. Four months old. You are a hand eating, foot grabbing, drooling, smiling, spit blowing, shoulder eating, hair grabbing, four month old. And I could not be more proud to be your Momma.

I know I talk a lot about wanting to eat you, and frankly even to me it sounds a little disturbing, but seriously, there are times when I just want to fit your whole head into my mouth because of your absolute cuteness. Your Dad recently hopped on the face licking train, on several different occasions I have witnessed him licking you. I can’t imagine the psychological damage we are already inflicting on you, but I guess if face licking and the notion that your mom, for the first couple months of your life tried to smear condiments on you and eat you for lunch is the only thing that I do to mess you up, well then consider yourself lucky.

I Love the way your whole face lights up when I come home from work. Once you realize that it is in fact ME your MOM who is speaking gibberish, you tip your face to the side – flashing me one of your dynamite smiles, and make a very loud COOOOOooooo, as if to say: “Hi Mom! Dad and I were just playing throw me up in the air and catch me, it’s my favorite game, but since you are home now, I can chill with you, since I know you enjoy it so.”

And enjoy it, I do, little one. I love to hold your sleepy body and let you nuzzle your face into the crook of my neck, and breathe in your baby smell, (Oatmeal and vanilla baby lotion, and Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo) seriously, these combined should be made into a concoction and sold in mass quantities to angry people.

Sometimes when I come home late from work, I sit quietly in your room. I justify that you are too young to think that me watching you sleep is creepy. One day it will scare the hell out of you, but I promise I will keep it to a minimum. At times your Dad and I will both watch you sleep, I think we both are a little surprised still at how beautiful you are. Not that we didn’t naturally assume that we would create beautiful children, given our fantastic genes, but you are pretty damn cute lady, and I am happy to report that you are starting to look more and more like me. Which, naturally makes me incredibly conceited, because holy crap I love it when people call you gorgeous, and follow up with, she looks just like Momma! Because for so long that statement was, well we all know you look like your stupid gorgeous Father.

I also have to say, that your Dad has morphed into a super powerful awesome caretaker. He can change a diaper one handed while mixing up a quick batch of rice crispy treats. He can make you giggle far quicker then I can, and he has started reading to you before bed. This routine is something that I insisted on, since some of my best memories of my Dad, is snuggled on his lap reading stories. You have completely changed him, you made him a Dad.

And I will always remember the first time he held you, and he looked down at me (Mommy was still in a wheel chair- due to the fact that you had just been pulled from my body less than four hours ago) his eyes filled with tears, and he asked me “Am I doing it right?”

I will never forget that.
But now, he doesn’t question himself, he knows you, he loves you, I am pretty sure you should keep all boys far away. Seriously.
This month, I introduced you to many different things to hold. Since your most favorite thing in the whole world is to reach for things and shove them directly into your mouth. (Which is precisely why mommy no longer wears earrings, or necklaces.) I once gave you a tissue to play with, which probably in retrospect was not my brightest idea, since you know, you started sucking on it…and when you squealed like a tiny piglet when I took it away from you, I uttered this gem, “Allessandra that is unnecessary.” (When did I start saying things like that?) But when I handed you your first baby doll, you know the doll that is all soft with a plastic head? You reached for it with arms out stretched, while wildly grinning at its tiny painted head, and promptly bit her face…while staring up at me as if to say, “Oh thank you mom, this chew toy is exactly what I always wanted.”

This month, as you know, I went back to work. I think a lot about what I will tell you someday about this whole adventure. I assume that by the time you read this, or even give a crap about me working, it will be a total non issue. And you will be all bright eyed and bushy tailed to run off to see Nanny Lisa, while totally forgetting that it was ME WHO WAS IN LABOR FOR 30 HOURS. ME! But how lucky am I that Nanny Lisa and Manny T and their lovely son love you like you belong there. You have so many people that Love you Allie. Cherish that and never let it go, sometimes the friends in your life can be just as close or if not closer than your family.
I am a little startled at how fast you are growing and developing, I find myself wishing that I could press PAUSE and rewind so that I don’t miss anything. Just this morning I sat you in your Bumbo seat, wrapped your bib around your front and fed you rice cereal for the first time. I thought to myself, this right here is a first; this is history, I must remember this moment to tell you someday. And you have such timing kiddo; it was right then that you reached underneath the bowl and WHACKED it out of my hand, sending mushy rice cereal all over the floor. After cleaning the mess, I attempted yet again to spoon feed you the mushy concoction. This time you took in the goods very slowly, pushing most out with your tongue- and then- because you decided at that very second that you did not care for this nonsense you motor boat sprayed rice cereal all over mummy’s face.
Mmmm yum.
We have started involving Grammy and Grandpa P in our nightly routine, Lots of times Daddy will be bathing you, and mommy will be sitting on the toilet with the laptop balanced neatly on her lap with the camera pointed at you. Grammy and Grandpa speak nonsense to you, while you stare wide eyed up at me with your fist in your mouth. The other day, we were all talking on the web cam, and you set your sights on the black plastic ball that was pointed directly at your face. The noise in the room seemed to stop, as you reached far forward with the determination of a cobra taking down its prey. With both hands, mouth wide open, you snatched the web cam from its perch and pushed it into your face. Those are the moments that I wish I could TIVO and watch over and over again.

I just want to tell you how incredibly lucky I feel that you are mine. I love watching you change every day, exploring your world, (mostly with your tongue) and I love it when you wrap your arms tightly around my neck and bury your head. I love that you smile at everyone, but only let certain people close to you. I have been told by a few people that when you look into their eyes, you make them feel as if they are the only person in the room. I have also been told that you are a very old soul, which is why you are constantly studying people, listening intently as if you are sure you have seen it before, but just can’t place it.
I am just so excited to be on along for the ride and guide you along your path.
I love you Allessandra, which is something you will never have to question.

Seriously....Teeth much?

Oh and Happy 18 weeks!

First Couple Bites of Rice cereal

This was before she smacked the bowl out of my hand...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Lisa, Could you stop making her run laps?

....6:50PM........I put her down at 6:45PM

Dear baby teeth,

I just thought we had more time.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Ice breakers

I think that it is perfectly acceptable for me to say to a group of people,

"Its so weird not having something living in my body!"

And truly, only new mothers would understand how weird it is to feel so empty and free
and sometimes, after you bent over to pick up your third piece of trash and A. you stood back up without feeling faint, and B you did not pee your pants, you just feel the need to tell a group of eighteen year olds, how cool it really is that a baby is no longer trying to shove their foot into the back of your throat.

How to make me Smile

Have the coffee maker all set to go- with enough coffee in it to fuel a small floor of overnight nurses.

mmmmm liquid gold.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Operation "saving money" has commenced

Which clearly means, my days of two nonfat iced vanilla lattes a day are tragically gone. Along with any random pair of shoes that I need at the moment, and its matching handbag, wallet, and belt. Now I am a lunch packing, coffee making, same shoe wearing- working gal- that must pretend that my paycheck does not exist.

Because Josh and I are sick to death of renting. And moving down South is truly the only thing that keeps us motivated. Our goal is to save up enough for a down payment on a house (in the south) before ya'll (hahah) jump out of your seats in disbelief you clearly realize that Josh and have LITERALLY been trying to move to the South for four God damn years.
So we have come together and formed a plan. (Most of the plan is still in the works, but it will happen. This time we are not relying on other people, we are going to save save save and move move move.)

Which means, We have to pretend we are poor. No more spending money on things we don't need.
But thinking about watching Allessandra playing in our backyard on her tire swing, while spinning A la The sound of Music, makes my heart sing.

And its not like Josh and I have not eaten scrambled eggs every single night because we couldn't afford groceries. Or huddled together under mass quantities of blankets cause turning on the heat would cost a fortune.
7 years I have been with this man.
We do poor just fine.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

The Fam

How to annoy the hell out of me

Keep asking me if I took my pill.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Friday, July 3, 2009

Feeling Gulity

For going in to pick up a very unhappy baby- even though I had put her down to go to bed. And under no circumstances was I to go in and comfort said baby, even if it pulled at every tiny fiber of my heart.

But I did. Because I have not put her to bed in a few nights. Nor have I kissed her tiny cheeks enough today.

And I miss her.

And now she is fast asleep.

I guess sometimes being comforted by Mom is all it takes.

Feeling Guilty

For wanting to quit my job, purely based on the fact that I am ridiculously tired- from closing last night and opening this morning.

Also, I am having baby laugh withdrawal.

And... I have a wicked blister that is currently getting in the way of EVERY SHOE I PUT ON. I guess my only option is to work barefoot.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

And the RAIN does not HELP

I found a box of old letters that my brother had written to me. I only thought about them because last night I had a random dream about him writing to me.

I thought I would be happy to find them.

But a part of me wants to burn them, and pretend that they don't exist.

I underestimated the pain that would be attached to handwriting, and him thanking me for "always being there for him"

so naturally, this morning sucks.