Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Old friends

I met Ashely when I was in sixth grade, we hit it off pretty quickly and became Bffs. Our friendship lasted through ninth grade, but somehow through high school we kinda went our separate ways. So ten years later, we find each other again through the magic of Facebook- only to realize that we are both pregnant and both expecting in March. Not only are our children born ten days apart, but Ashley and I both had unexpected c sections...however, hers was done in a different country *gulp*. How amazing is it that after all these years, its like Ashley and I were never apart. And how awesome is it that our kids are going to be married?

Monday, June 29, 2009

Kiss from the Birthday Girl

How to make a fabulous First impression

Burn popcorn in the break room.

Thus becoming the New manager that burnt popcorn in the break room.

"Nice to meet you."

Sunday, June 28, 2009


Billy Mays is dead.

I did not have anything to do with this.

But, I think we all know how I feel about it.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

How to make me smile

Ask if its OK if Allie can go play with you on your swing, since it is your birthday and you are three.

My Sunshine

Thursday, June 25, 2009

How to Annoy me

Let your three year old give me parenting advice in the elevator.

Little Girl: "where are your baby's socks?"

Me: Jesus hates little girls that don't mind their business.

I think the drool is really what makes this picture, No?

We also seem to be making the same face...

I have amazing people in my life

Text I received this morning:

"I just wanted to tell you I am really proud of you"

"I think that even though you may not feel it all the time that you show incredible strength that is inspiring"

You made my day. Thank you

Teaching self esteem- or..Yeah, obviously she is mine

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

How to make me happy

Let me justify purchasing these very expensive shoes

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Ms Fashionista

How to make me happy

Offer to make dinner because you understand that a trip to the grocery store would send me straight over the edge.

Bonus points: say I am pretty and offer to make cheese fries.

How to make me sad

Be too big for my favorite outfit- and make me add yet another tiny outfit to the "too small box".


I would totally be lying to you if I told you that I did not want to curl up with Allie under a pile of blankets and just stay there all day.
I am finding this never ending fuse of stress to be rather, er, stressful. I am being pulled in twenty different directions and the more responsibility that is shoveled onto my already fragile shoulders, the more I want to hide in my bathroom; turn on the shower at full blast and shout I CANT HEAR YOU.
And, yeah, Cry.
Cry about my Dad, Cry about my brother, Cry about how there is no possible way that I can be stretched any thinner.

And frankly, I am tired of skipping mascara every morning because I am never really sure what will make me choke up.

Perhaps I am still coming off the surge of hormones that were pumped into my body for 9 months, or perhaps I am exhausted from the fact that in the past three months I have: Had a baby, moved into a new apartment, and OH YEAH STARTED A NEW FUCKING JOB.
Talk about transitions. I just wish for things to be a tad easier- just to find some sort comfort.
The best part of my day is holding a very warm sleepy Allie as she eagerly drinks her breakfast, pausing ever so often to flash a very gummy smile my way. And I guess, since I can still find happiness in the simple things, such as, baby farts and spit bubbles, then there is a very faint light at the end of the tunnel.

If you haven't noticed, I have decided to keep away from writing about my new job, although I could spend HOURS depicting the personalities and the truly LUDICROUS expectations that are suddenly being forced on me, but I think it would be in my best interest to keep my "Random Thoughts" to my self.
Let me just say, every single day, I want to quit. I want to throw my hands up, say Fuck this, grab my purse, pick up my daughter, crawl under my covers with the baby and a box of powdered donuts and just hide.
But I don't.
I Keep working, I keep smiling, I keep trying to find good in all of this. Because at the end of the day I do find some worth in the fact that I am providing for my family.
Even if I routinely get bitch slapped by random people, even if I cry in the bathroom during my lunch break, I am doing this. I am in it. And although I spent this entire post complaining, the days are getting better.
And I bought these really sexy shoes yesterday that I can wear for all of five minutes.

SO there is that.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Allie Obviously Hates being with her Nanny

Whatever Allie. I am not at all jealous.

Not even a little bit.


Saturday, June 20, 2009

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Allessandra's new trick is rolling over. She is so good at it, that she has taken to rolling over at every possible moment. This is includes: rolling over while her bum is covered in 2 inch thick poop, rolling over in her bath tub, rolling over in her crib until her nose is pressed against her crib bumper, and my personal favorite, rolling over while in her bouncy seat- which causes her to pretty much shimmy her entire body out of said seat. NOW I know why there is a strap in there!

I have this very strange feeling that she is going to begin to crawl sooner rather then later, since I placed her down on her baby gym, and two seconds later she flipped her tiny body over, whipped her head up, and brought her knees into her chest. She was all like...OK! NOW WHAT MOM!?

I kinda don't want her to crawl yet- I want to scoop her up, swaddle her and smother her with kisses. But sadly- she would just frantically wiggle out of my grasp....I swear to God every time I come home, I feel like she has gotten bigger and smarter.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

This whole "working mother thing" is such a precarious balance of emotions, I truly had no idea how much extra WORK it is, to physically and emotionally be in the MOMENT at my job. This morning was a very interesting test of my sanity- we had a bit of a snag with our child care, and in order to keep Allie safe from nasty conjunctivitis, she needed to be picked up.
So- of course I fly into my second day of training on the verge of mass hysteria because A. I had to stop and get coffee because last night some assholes were yelling in Portuguese at 2am, AND Allie refused to fully sleep- so because I am like the coolest person EVER- I proceeded to dump hot coffee onto my lap. YES. I rock. and B. I am convinced that Allessandra has an infection and will thus get a fever and need medicine and OMG I AM THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

So in I roll, reeking of coffee, misery, and some good old fashion G U I L T
Only to find that no, I am not late, in fact I am right on time- AND I get to vent to TWO SEASONED MOTHERS- who basically embrace me with understanding warmth.

How different from my male boss who actually told me during my first trimester, that he didn't understand why I was so tired, "cause its not like anything was like really happening" uh huh.
I think I told him, that he should probably go home and google first trimester and see what popped up.
Today was better then yesterday- maybe tomorrow will be better then today.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Is your Co pay 40$

I ate a nice big helping of guilt today. In fact, when I got up this morning, I brushed my teeth with guilt, had guilt raisin bran, pulled on my guilt pants and changed guilt shirts several times.

I brushed my guilty hair, and smeared on some guilty makeup, and went on my guilty way to work. For the first day.

Today was the first day in Allie's life that I was away from her, longer then five hours. And you know what? Yeah. It totally 100% sucked. I sat with a nice big piece of guilt pie lodged in the back of my throat and sitting heavy in my stomach. And you know what? The kid was fine, in fact she was more then fine.

It was me who silently sat and cursed myself all day- crossing and uncrossing my legs,shifting and twitching so much that I am pretty sure the facilitator is really hoping that tomorrow I remember to take my Ritalin. But really? I got through it. The first day is over.
I wore my heels, I drank my tall Americano (extra hot- room for milk please!) I went eight hours without having something projectile vomited into my neck or hair.
I read reports, analyzed numbers and talked about fashion.
But as soon as my car pulled into the parking spot, I had to remember to shut of the car before I jumped out to race up the stairs to see my baby girl.
Who, by the way, promptly threw up about 2 ounces of formula all over my shoulder, while trying to see, if she could fit my entire upper arm into her mouth.

Today was hard, but like I said before- Without Lisa, (her Nanny) I would be lost. It is so much more comforting knowing that she is safe and with people that love her, rather then with a bunch of other kids that I don't know.

And with that, I am going to go to bed- because I have a feeling baby girl will be up tonight.
<3 to everyone who wrote to me with their kinds words and support.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Happy Sunday!

I was reading a blog this morning about this woman's most embarrassing memory. I thought to myself, "self, wouldn't it be super cool to blog about my most embarrassing memory on MY blog?" Then I was all like, "No, actually it wouldn't be"
And here is why.

I have reached a point in my life where the people I associate with, have seen me at my worst and best- and have frequently seen me make a complete ass out of myself.

And really? There is nothing worse then recalling a horrific episode in one's life and having a friend confirm, that yes, you were a huge ass, and it really WAS AS BAD AS YOU REMEMBER.

Much like that phone call the day after you drank four long island ice teas, (and decided that it WOULD BE A SUPER IDEA TO SKINNY DIP) that says: "OMG do you remember when you fell down those stairs? Or, "I cant believe you threw your pants out the window!"
Yeah. Things like that, are why A. I only drink socially, and B. I no longer disrobe in moving cars.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


Another 11 hour night! We love our 3 month old :)

Friday, June 12, 2009


My husband has come a long way from when I first met him concerning "girl issues". when we first met, tampons and periods was something that we just. did. not. mention. Like ever.

Josh does not do periods, in fact he pretty much mushes his body so close to the edge of our bed to avoid me- that I feel like I am laying in a King size bed.

But now since we have had a baby, he has seen the train wreck that is "child birth" and has stood strong while seeing my stomach get sliced open and watching his daughter be "torn from my thorax" (as he so lovingly puts it) he is able to buy me boxes of tampons, panty liners, and he even went out while I was in the hospital and not only bought me a nursing bra, but NIPPLE CREAM! The man is a saint.

And yesterday, yesterday really sealed his maturity.

While we happened to be in said "menstrual" isle at Target- Josh noticed a very nice woman pushing a carriage with two small children. This woman, just happened to be perusing the other side of this isle...I call it the OHMYGODKILLME isle. *Its where they keep the Uristat*
Anyways, this woman apparently tossed a tube of Vagisil into her cart.

Where my husband gets this ridiculous look on his face, like the world finally made sense to him, and whispers to me:

" baby, she has an itchy vagina"
So like, It might be too soon, but I have a confession to make.
I am in loooove.

With Weight Watchers.

Because every single thing about weight watchers caters to my obsessive compulsive issues.

I like to count. I like discipline. I love food. I like earning points by running. And I love to see results. And results I have seen...HUZZAH! Lets just say, 2 pounds every week. Its like, I finally ENJOY STEPPING ON MY SCALE!!! No longer do I cower in the corner pointing at the nasty device- claiming its a DIRTY LIAR!!!! Me and my scale now finally have mutual respect for one another. It no longer screams when it sees me approach, and I smile at the pretty numbers.

And to be real honest, pulling on my pants and getting them all the way close, beats smearing coconut cheesecake all over my face any day. *well, kinda*
Who cares if I still have a bit of a muffin top, the (very expensive) pants finally CLOSE. And now I can confidently burn all my mu mus (is that really how you spell that?!)

And this whole "losing weight" thing could not happen at a better time, since I go back to work on MONDAY. Which means, yes, in two days I will be BACK TO WORK FULL TIME. Clad in work clothes and high heels, working on my feet for eight plus hours a day.

I am so lucky that Allie will be staying with someone who loves her- rather then going to daycare. Because, I don't think I could drop her off with strangers and confidently drive away- And those Moms that do that, I tip my hat to you, I shake your hand, and offer you a box of tissues.
Being a Mom is tough.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I came across this picture today, Oh my god! I cant believe how fast she is changing!


In other news, looks like I am heading back to work.

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Have you ever seen those YAZ commercials? You know, "Yaz is for women who suffer from PMDD and experience symptoms that interfere with their everyday life to the point where they want to put their husbands in a hole in their basements and shout "PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!!!!!!!"

Well. They are talking about me.
Hi, My name is chelsea and I suffer from PMDD. I fully 100% admit to morphing into the worlds biggest B from about three weeks leading up to that special time of month. Yes, you read that right. 3 weeks. Which means, there is exactly one week a month where I am not threatening divorce, swearing, crying, or shoving cheesecake into my face and complaining about how fat and ugly I am.

one. week.

So, since I have been weaning Allie (personal choice) Josh was blessed these past two weeks with psycho Chelsea. Annnnnd lets just say- my comfy Yaz pills are now eagerly waiting for me at my local CVS.

While I may be slightly sad that I am no longer breast feeding, I am positive that moral will once again be established once books and phones are not being thrown at people's heads.

Ahem. Love you honey.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Thanks Jen for my awesome shoes!

"Now, when are you gonna come visit me?"

New Parents

Wanna know how I can tell that Josh and I are still not used to having a baby?

Yesterday Josh went to put the baby in the trunk of my car. To be fair, the exchange was like this:


Me: Did you just open that to put her in there?

Josh: (Laughing) Yeah, I did.

Me: Nice.

Before you go all judgmental on us- she was quiet for the first time in her life- making her very much like a huge bag of trash.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Hi Mom, I am sitting up!

Buuuut Yo Gabba Gabba is on...so like maybe pictures later.

Friday, June 5, 2009

List of things that have pissed me off already today

1. The asshat who casually watched me try to maneuver myself and the baby stroller into the elevator, and DID NOT ATTEMPT TO HOLD IT. What was it, a language barrier? Should I have been More OBVIOUSLY GETTING ONTO THE ELEVATOR? Because nothing says "good morning Allie" Like being slammed in between elevators doors.

2. Bayberry Hills as a general whole, for charging us 400$ for a mysterious "stain" on our bedroom rug. Really? Because the fact that we had four cats that threw up all over the living room rug only managed to require a "replacement" But the DUST STAIN IN THE BEDROOM FROM WHERE THE COMPUTER DESK SAT FOR 3 YEARS WARRANTS A 400$ DOLLAR CHARGE? I think not Bayberry Hill's staff- and you all can kiss the very whitest part of my ass.

3. The cats. Seriously, I realize that there is plastic and boxes around this place, and you think it is your own personal playground, but seriously. STOP EATING PLASTIC AND PUKING IT UP! I say this in the most loving way possible, If I step in one more pile of cat vomit, mommy is gonna to box up each and everyone of you, and put you downstairs with a big sign that reads FREE.

4. Allessandra's Dresser. I understand that this is, in actuality, and inanimate object, however, it did not stop me from cursing at it after walking directly into the side of the drawer at 3am. *This whole scenario did however make me a believer in the whole "cry it out technique" Getting up 27 times a night, especially if I go back to work full time? I think not.*

5. Unpacking. I am over you. Lets break up, and lets be clear, its you, not me.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Holy 3 Months

Dear Allessandra,
Today you are 3 months old. I look at you in your bouncy seat that you once sat in the direct middle of, all swaddled like a tiny burrito- and now you lay on your side with both legs jetting out and your head at the tippity top. How did you grow so fast? How is it, that you lay there sucking your thumb like you have always been in my life. Like daddy and I are so dumb for even beginning to think about how our lives used to be. Because I am starting to forget what life was like before. Because how was it that at one time I did not have a tiny Allie to smile at me in the morning and to wrap her tiny hands around my finger?

I look at you, laying there- all peaceful and I remember last year- scrambling to get out of bed at 3am to take a pregnancy test, (because I had to pee and didn't it say right there in the directions that "First morning pee is the best")
I remember taking the test, setting it down on the counter top, and walking into the kitchen to get a glass of water.
When I looked at the test, two minutes later, there were two pink lines. And I said rather loudly for 3am. "Holy S h i t"
I then raced into the bedroom and woke up your dad, who um, was not exactly pleased to be awoken with such news as "HONEY WE ARE PREGNANT" That's kinda along the lines of how Jon Bobbitt felt, I imagine, with the whole waking up without his penis surprise. Lets just say, it took Daddy a few days to adjust.
But me? Oh my sweet Lord, I told everyone. Which is not really a good idea, since in reality I was like four seconds pregnant.
But I loved you as a tiny cell. I loved you so much it was ridiculous. I wanted everyone to know.
One time your Dad and I were driving in the car and he turned to me and said: "What do you think it is?"
And I said without hesitation, "A girl."
When we heard your tiny heart beat for the first time, I was so sure you were a girl, that when we saw you for the first time on the ultra sound I was not really surprised.

And now you have been in my life for 3 whole months. You coo and gurgle like a champ and have even started flirting with complete strangers- we need to have a discussion about that later young lady.
You have discovered your thumb, and prefer it over a pacifier any day. The first time you did this, your Dad and I did a silent cheer- going YEY she finally found it! Because for days you have had been sucking (rather loudly) on your hand. But I will admit, the whole thumb thing, makes me remember my delightful thumb being covered in mustard and band aids - in order for me to break that nasty habit. But to be fair, I was ten. Yeah I sucked my thumb till I was ten. But honey, mommy had issues.

You never stop moving. And it seems like no matter where you are in the apartment, you are kicking me. If you are laying on the couch, you somehow manage to kick me in the stomach, if you are being fed, you are kicking me, or the cat, or Daddy. The other day, your Dad was feeding you and I heard this little number: "Allessandra you MUST stop kicking my penis."

You are always on the move, it makes me worry that when you do begin to crawl/walk, you are gonna pack your shit and go. But where are you going Allie? Why must you always be moving? Hmmm I remember saying that to you in the wee hours of the morning, when my belly looked like a popcorn bag popping.

Allie, I just want to say, things are finally "predictable" which I enjoy. You are sleeping way longer, crying way less, and giving me huge gummy smiles at a moment's notice.
I promise to keep making you giggle as long as you keep holding onto my shoulder tightly when I pick you up in the morning. Ditto on doing the motor boat on your belly, if you keep squealing with delight, and letting the cat smell your nose.

You truly are my favorite start and end to each day. I love you.


Wednesday, June 3, 2009


Me: "How come you don't want to have my face printed onto your pillowcase and sleep on my face every night?" (question asked, while watching 18 Kids and counting, where the new in love couple cling to each other desperately to show just how IN LOVE they are.

Josh: "You want your face on my pillow?"

Me: "I want you to love me enough to have my face on your pillow"

Two seconds later

A pillow is being smashed into my face

Josh: "Now your face is on my pillow"

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Actual Random Thoughts

Apparently my hormones have not taken a break. Holy indecisiveness.
My mood quite literally changes every ten minutes- one second I want to go back to work, clad in Prada heels, with Starbucks skinny latte in tote- and then the other- I want to pull on my yoga pants- strap Allie in her baby bijorn and take long walks with other moms blabbering about baby poop, and spit up.
And at any given moment- my mind could be in one extreme.

I am having an ridiculous affair with this one "offer" one minute I want it- and then the next I turn it down- then they come back to me, going "please we want you" and I am all like....wow, "You like me, you really like me!" and then I demand more money, because really? if you want me that bad, fork over the dough. But then they don't call...and I am like, oh. well. fine. I didn't want you anyway. (Pardon me while I huddle in the fetal position and rock back and forth.)

So, I am waiting? I think? Otherwise I will most definitely go back to work Part time, which in reality is all like- getting out of the house for four hours...which in theory sounds like it should be my FIRST choice. However, I enjoy financial stability far too much to fully walk away from the full time opportunity.

*if you are still reading, god bless you*

There are a few more points that I need to get off my chest:
1. State Farm, why do you make your commercials so gut wrenching? Because of you, I started bawling on the treadmill, which really is pretty friggen dangerous- How dare you cater to us hormonal young mothers, showing a woman in the army getting off the bus and embracing her son..HOW DARE YOU! I totally and completely ate it up- 2 minutes of that commercial and I am all like STATE FARM??!!! How do I get some? I want STATE FARM to be THERE FOR ME!
ACK hormones.

2. Sigh. I promised myself I would not go here. But I have to.
Jon and Kate plus hate- why oh why am I dragged into tuning into TLC Monday nights, to watch a marriage crash and burn. Why oh why. The beginning of the series, the show was all about the kids..wooo eight kids, oh look at the little one with the glasses *sob* how adorable! But then, like a fiery train headed for the edge of the cliff- Jon and Kate began to "grow distant" and people started watching to see what new insult Kate could sling at Jon. And so it went. I promised myself I would stop watching- but like a billion other viewers I just could not stay away. And as I watched, I just kept thinking- right now, this very second, I am adding more money into their wallets and funding their children's college educations. And it made me mad. No one wants to come into my apartment and watch Josh and I fight about tuna casserole, or cheddar cheese...so why do we find it so GD fascinating to watch it on TV?
So I turned it off and went to bed.

3. I am currently on Weight Watchers, and it rocks my world. It is totally helping me lose the last few pounds, and eat enough to continue nursing Allie. On the plus side, I am very rarely hungry which is awesome. And screw you if you think I am dumb for being on weight watchers, cause you think I think I am fat. I do not think I am fat, I think that I would like to get back to my size so that I may wear my many many clothes hanging in my closet. And I am admitting that I don't know how to do it by myself and still be healthy enough to provide breast milk. So if you have an opinion keep it to yourself. *stepping off soap box*

4. Allie has started laughing, and sucking her thumb. OMFG- I have to restrain myself from slathering mayo on her chubby cheeks, putting lettuce on her head- and eating her for a snack.

OK people, back to unpacking my life.