Thursday, April 30, 2009

You know its not that I am a bitter person, I would not even say I am mean, but what I am is impatient, and if you think I am impatient- wait till you meet my sweet delicious daughter.

I had my 7 week PP Doctor appointment this afternoon:

Wanna keep us waiting for TWO BLEEPING HOURS? OK. Well then the entire HOSPITAL can listen to Allie completely Flip her shit. And to be perfectly blunt- she did flip her shit- literally. On the lovely Dr that kept us waiting.
I have never been so proud.


Cause you know whats NOT fun? Trying to calm a crying baby HALF NAKED- while trying to keep some sense of modesty...but really at this point EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THAT OFFICE HAS SEEN MY
V A G I N A.
Modesty ...what modesty?

The Doctor did feel super bad when she finally showed up after keeping us waiting for two hours...She spent a good amount of time trying to calm Allie down, while I sat there going..."nope that will only further piss her off, nope that makes her angry, No..I wouldn't do that if I were you..." Till finally the Nurse from the front desk took her away.
The best part of this entire scene is there are two first time pregnant women that work there- Boy did they look like deer in the headlights!!!
Its all fun and games ladies until you PISS THEM OFF!
Hell hath no fury like Allie when she is a n g r y.

Have no idea where she gets that from.

OK fine I do.

I guess I did not need to add that the crying is even more charming at 2am....but Allie and I hated all of them at that point.

SO finally after I got my clothes back on, nursed, changed and burped the tiny child- we were free to go.

Don't have to go back until next May...unless we get pregnant before then.


Just as soon as my skin grows back from being melted off from Allie's screams.

Happy 7 Weeks Ms Allie Pants

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


"Yo Gabba Gabba" is teaching my daughter that you need music to dance at a dance party.
She is staring at this like its a new form of baby crack, and really its amusing me. She is kicking her legs, swinging her arms, and smiling- followed by periods of absolute silence where she is STARING.

This show I imagine is much like taking a hit of acid.

I doubt very much she would get the same amusement from Real Housewives of New York City. Which is waiting for me on the DVR- yet I don't want to break this silence.

Sigh, yet another person in my household that controls the remote.

Watch out Allie, pretty soon you are gonna get your very own Time slot.

Don't know what that is? Feel free to give my Mom a call and ask her.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Too Hot to think creatively so therefor you get pics

Monday, April 27, 2009

OK so the weather turned rather abruptly from holy crap its still winter, to I am GOING TO SWEAT TO DEATH.
And although it might be manageable outside in the shade, its like Africa in the sun in the apartment. No idea why. And I was not going to be a pansy and crank the AC- on the FIRST NICE DAY OF THE YEAR. Especially for the past four years I have wanted to move to GA where 106 degrees is a typical Tuesday afternoon. Josh's parents live in GA and I have NEVER seen them turn on their AC...ever. And at some point I KNOW that sticking to every single chair, and constantly wiping sweat has to get old, cause no one likes to stand up with a chair suction cupped to ones ass. Especially not me. Especially not when I am hungry, and a baby is crying.

I did find out that Allessandra and I share a similar "issue" which made me laugh and cringe at the same time. The child HAS TO BE COVERED WITH A BLANKET TO SLEEP - Does not matter that she was SWEATING- no blanket no sleepy. I only figured this out later on when I was trying to sleep, and even tho I was disgustingly hot, there I was, wrapping myself up in the blanket.
Unfortunately I figured this out too late, so she did not really nap yesterday- which in turn made for a very frustrating night.

Essentially Karma kicked me in the teeth.


Finally, this morning Josh and I both threw our hands up in shear aggravation, cause really, at this point she was just being a jerk. We would spend a ridiculous amount of time getting her to sleep, only to put her down and have a very wide awake (smiley) baby staring back at us. Great she's smiling but its 2am andiwannasleep!
And its really difficult to blame a smiley baby for your exhaustion.
So I decided that four hours of sleep is better then none, put her in the sling, grabbed my ipod and went for a walk outside.
Which was GORGEOUS!!

She is currently still in the sling and is O U T

If only I could figure out how to shower and sleep with this thing on...hmm

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Quick convo

Last night, sitting on the couch watching Allie sleep:

Me- I really miss my dad, I can't believe its been a whole year that I have not heard his voice.

J- Yeah it sucks, sucks that people have to die.

Me- I hate it. Its just not fair- and you think that you get something at the end of all this pain, but you don't it's still there. But I guess a little easier.

J- Yeah. Well there are going to unfortunately be a lot more in our lives...

Me- This convo is morbid.

J- *laughs* yeah it is.

Me- I just miss him.


J- On the plus side tho, your Dad gets to hang out with Bea Arthur!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

It's not Hard to find him

Today is the last first. And Although it is a sad day, I am also filled with a sense of accomplishment. I can almost hear my Dad's sigh of relief as we all have made it through the winter.
Although my Dad is truly missed, through this entire year, he was never really gone. Its not hard to find him, if you are really looking.

I see him in every single daffodil sprouting in the front of my mom's yard, in the spring buds that are now sprouting on the tree that we planted for him. He is behind the mischievous eyes of my mom's cat as she is ripping her wallpaper off her wall. He is every laugh, every delicious meal, every good song on the radio. He is the vibration of music humming throughout my apartment making me dance and sway.

He was there in the hospital holding my hand tight as I struggled through each contraction, and was in the first cries from both Allessandra and I, as we were finally introduced.

He was there in the absolute astonishment as Josh held his daughter for the first time. He sat with me every minute in the hospital as I waited to take my daughter home.
He spent every 3am feeding with me, silently coaching me through the utter exhaustion. And was the calming presence as I struggled to keep it together.
I find him behind the sparkle in Allie's eyes as she smiles back at me. And in every book I read to her, every "trot trot to Boston", every time I blow on her neck or belly- he is always there.
I am not worried about him being gone, as much as I was last year, because he never really has left me. I see him in my mind relaxing on the deck with his gin and tonic listening to some good "tunes"- he lives perpetually in summertime.

How lucky that I still feel his warmth.

Friday, April 24, 2009

I Think I deserve this...

First Beer in a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. It was awesome.


oh well.


Thursday, April 23, 2009


In Today's News:

I slept for 8 hours last night. 8. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 HOURS not MINUTES of sleep.
I went to bed at 9pm expecting to get up at 1 or 2 with her, but NO, Josh put her to sleep at midnight and the child woke at 5:25AM!
Granted the entire front of my shirt was soaked, and as soon as she started to make little noises I put her to my boob, and it was like turning on a hose at full blast- poor child could barley keep up. Then after she was done with her seven course meal, she fell asleep ...again. For two hours.
And when I awoke to her making noises, I turned to look at her and she focused on my face and BAM gave me the biggest smile I have ever seen. She was all like "Hey I know you!!! You feed me! SMILE! gurgle, snort SMILE, "wanna feed me again?..Maybe kiss my face?"

I literally jumped out of bed and smothered her with kisses. Cause who doesn't want to be awaken after 8 hours of sleep to their very smiley baby!?

Oh and Karma, I totally expect to have my ass handed to me tonight for even mentioning this. But it's OK, I can take it.
She is officially six whole weeks today. And looking more like a baby and less like a fragile newborn everyday.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

So I did something that I was pretty sure I would NEVER DO. I drove myself and Allie to the Cape yesterday!
Me in the car, driving with the baby, all the way to the Cape. No breakdowns from Ms Allie Pants, but Mommy had a few. To be fair, I did drive through some sort of torrential down pour and there was a few minutes where I could not see ANYTHING and I wasthisclose to pissing my pants and shouting WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! Lucky for me tho, I had a ginormous blue stuffed rabbit in my front seat (a present from Allie's uncle) that I did actually at one point start TALKING TO. No wonder people were giving me strange looks.

And now internet let me introduce you to my Husband, AKA DH which can stand for Dear husband, or douchebag husband, depends on the day :)
His name is Josh and I will refer to him as such from now on, since there are a mix of readers here and I seem to be confusing many of them.

And here is one of our conversations last night:
ME- What do you think about this Craiglist Killer?
J- What do you mean?
Me- Well tell me about it, cause I am kinda confused
J- He went on craiglist looking for sex and shot them
Me- Oh I thought there was only one
J- No, there were a couple I think
Me- Oh, I saw footage of the guy, that would be like you doing something like that.
J- yeah
Me- You could never do something like that
J- I could do one part of it
Me- nice.
J- you still want waffles?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

What I would have said:

My Mom talks frequently about going back in her journal and reading what she was feeling a year ago. I recently opened mine, half expecting a flood of tears and crazed demons to come flying out, but *thankfully* there were only words.
Today Marks the one year anniversary of my brother's death. One full year. And in order to honor him, I decided to write here what I should have said at his service. I wrote and re wrote pages and pages of words- but when it came time to speak, I could only sob through a poem that I had written for him.
So This is what I should have said:

I have written this over and over again in hopes of capturing everyone's attention. Everyone here knows my brother in their own way. Perhaps some of you have dried his tears, hugged him, or offered an ear or shoulder to him. Some of you have laughed with him and known the heart of my big brother. The one thing that I can say is my brother had an infectious personality- when he walked into a room, everyone saw him. He would jump up first to hold doors, coo at babies, and pick up conversations with complete strangers. He was a solider, a son, a friend, and a father. For a time when we were very little, he was my whole world, at one point I am pretty sure I made him my sister.
He cried when I fell off my bike, helped me tie my shoes, and patiently watched every performance and every concert I put on for him.
The pain that I feel over this loss feels never ending- but I am comforted because I am sure he is OK- I feel it in my heart.
When we were very little, my brother asked me if I would make sure to put a big sign on my house so he would be sure to find me.
And now, I will have to ask him to make sure he has a big sign up so someday I might find him again.

JWS 9/14/81- 4/21/08

Monday, April 20, 2009

Oh Hi have you seen my daughter?

Yup she's mine.

This is her Fierce look- shes really owning it.

Things I feel a little Guilty about:

1. Bathing Allie this morning and washing her hair with baby shampoo, purely because I love the smell and not because she needed a "hair wash".

2. Carrying her all morning in the sling, while I cleaned, packed, and did two loads of laundry- only because I knew she would stay quiet. Bonus points for vacuuming while carrying child...instant slumber.

3. For punching the washing machine and cursing rather loudly- thus awaking sleeping baby. Not my fault the stupid thing wouldn't let me PICK A FRIGGEN CYCLE!!!!!!!!!

4. For accidentally dropping a piece of Almond butter toast face down on her head, and then licking her face. Hey! That jar of Almond butter cost 11$ husband would be pissed if I wasted it. cheeks with Almond butter??? mmm delicious!

5. For spraying her in the face with breast milk, because I let her sleep a tad longer then necssary.

6. For eating a 4 Fiber One bars yesterday in order to help alleviate some "issues".
Allie, mommy felt your pain, trust me.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Friendly Warning

Hey Internet FYI It IS possible to have too much FIBER

Just ask me and my child

My Dearest Daughter

Next time its daddy's turn to do the "Late night feeding" would you mind not choosing that night to SLEEP THE LONGEST YOU HAVE EVER SLEPT EVER.

Because how can daddy get up at 4am when you choose to get up at 7?

Love Always,

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Two Turkeys and a bland Diet

Last year after my Dad and my bro died, I became obsessed with running. I would get up in the morning and get excited at the prospect of pulling on my gym gear and getting to the treadmill.
I felt a little like Forest Gump at times, cause I just kept ru n ing. Sometimes I would look at the clock and realize that not only had I been running for an hour and a half, but I was up to 7 1/2 miles.
I was not particularly excited by this, cause I was numb. I put my Dad's Cd on my ipod and would play his music over and over again, thus causing me to choke up while running. *Kinda dangerous btw*

Anyways, one day I had returned to the gym for the second time that day, and I was in the middle of my mindless running to no where, when all of a sudden two turkeys appeared in front of the gym window. I basically almost knocked my teeth out cause I was a tad startled...they both stood there kinda looking in the window, not really moving or doing anything.
In my distraught state I took this as a sign that my brother and dad were both watching me, or at the very least they were together. But really, I could have seen two cock roaches scurrying together and I might have come to the same conclusion. BUT these last couple of days I have felt pretty awful, and the other day when the pitch of Allie's temper tantrum peaked to the point that I had to step OUTSIDE for a MOMENT to gain perspective- There were two turkeys standing outside my apartment just chilling.
And you know what, it made me feel better.

In other news- I am now officially attempting a bland diet, in the hopes that it might elevate the screaming. I should have learned my lesson the last time I wolfed down an Italian sub, cause it had the same results: A very gassy Allie.

Also, I figured out why people are so taken with my sling. Its cause generally people cannot mind their business. And they become frustrated when they cant easily tell what something is. Case in point: If they saw me with a stroller and car seat, they would automatically say "There is a baby in there! I am a genius!"
But because they cant see whats in the sling, their minds start racing, like what could beeeeeeeee in there!!!!!! Could she be carrying cupcakes? Maybe a monkey? They obnoxiously stare, and they make stupid gestures to their equally dumb friend. Then their curiosity gets to them so much that they absolutely HAVE to approach me and say (in an idiotic sing song voice) "Is there a baby in there?"

Then I congratulate them on their deductive reasoning skills, pat them on the head and give them a cookie.

Next time, seriously, I am going to tell them "No, fanny packs are back in style"

And then walk away.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I can't keep my child's cheeks out of my mouth. On several different occasions throughout the day I find the urge to slather grape jelly on her and slap her between some wheat bread. and gobble her up
Shes so completely cute that I can't stand it. I find her especially cute when we are waiting for the Pediatrician. For whatever reason, she finds everything in the little room to be a b s o l u t e l y breathe taking.
She whips her head back and forth looking at everything, while shoving both fists into her mouth and gurgling.
And as hard as I try, I just can't resist the urge to shove her whole face into my mouth- so that finally she will give in and SMILE- which I put into my back pocket to save for later when the screams are so loud that I am sure she is piercing my soul.

As for the obnoxious S C R E A M I N G- Doctor has two theories: 1. She is a little bit colicky (UH DUH) or 2. She has reflux - which is heart burn for wee little ones. ouch!
I am told that in the next week or two the colic stuff should subside where the reflux would get (Dear God) worse.

She did gain 2 WHOLE POUNDS since she has been born! Woot! little known fact: My breast milk is made entirely of Crisco and bacon grease-

Allie and I did get into our first mother daughter argument leaving the Doctor's office.
I wanted to know why the second we left the office she decided to scream bloody murder.
And she wanted to know, why the shit I had to park 5 miles away from the door- and not remember her pacifier?

Allie 1 mommy 0

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Ups and Downs

Things I am frustrated about:

1. Why can't I ever remember to put my hair in a ponytail before I burp the child? Having breast milk projectile vomited into my hair is much like spitting into the wind, only to have it come back ten fold covering your entire face and seeping up your nose.
Its not REALLY gross, cause well its yours. But it still warrants an EWwwwww!

2. People that put in an advertisement that their apartment for rent has a YARD. I am really sorry, but just cause you have a piece of grass growing in the pile of shit behind your property does not a yard make. And also, pick up the broken glass and rusty nails, because adding a case of lock jaw is not really on my TO DO list in the next year.

3. The baby is having a growth spurt and my boobs are not keeping up. At all. Long gone is the nice sweet baby who sighs with pleasure and looks sweetly at my face. In her place is this tiny child that literally opens her mouth and eyes as wide as possible while holding her tiny hands together as if to say "For me, really, I am so excited! ANDNOWIWILLATTACK! And then she dives and DEVOURS....much like a snake taking down a helpless frog.
She empties both boobs and then stares at me like.."That's it? Really?" And then there is the screaming. I try to give her a pacifier which she very loudly sucks in protest- before spitting it four feet across the room and pouting. YES POUTING she STICKS OUT HER BOTTOM LIP AND LOOKS AT ME! Good GOD!
So I have had to supplement with formula- its not a lot of formula but its enough to get her to close her eyes and RELAX.
TO DO: Must ask Doctor how to produce milk as appeasing as formula.
Also TO DO: Go an entire post without mentioning my boobs.

Things I am Happy about:
1. I Lost another Two pounds this week- which was done entirely by eating A LOT of food.
2. Baby girl has her Doctor appointment this morning (excited to see how much weight she has put on!)
3. Allie can hold her head up for a full three seconds before projectile vomiting breast milk into my face!
4. I have decided that when I am burping her and she is super tired she kinda looks like Dopey from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, this thought alone sent me into a fit of giggles that bordered on hysteria.
5.We are going to Florida soon for my SIL's wedding, which means BEACH! AND total motivation to get my ass back into a bathing suit. Bonus points for being able to shop for a teeny tiny bathing or maybe a snow suit in order to prevent stray UV light from hitting my precious angel...GAH!
6. The fact that I am in the process of reading not 1. but 2. books. And I love them both!!! Waking up at 4am at no thang cause I look forward to having time to read my book. Messed up isn't it?

Off to get ready for the Doctors!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


If I go missing.

The cats did it.

Every single one of those little bastards will have had a hand in killing me and burying me in a remote location.

There is a mutiny a brewing around here, and its not going to be pretty.

Those little shits I swear to GOD try to trip me, in order to either kill me, or eliminate the "noisy intruder of their love"

Because it is my understanding that most cats would actually move when I gently *kick* nudge them out of the way as I am trying to hurry a screaming baby to her changing table. But no. They friggen STAND THERE PLANTED IN ONE SPOT thus acting as a GD road block.
And don't get me started with the shady behavior that they part take in when I am clearly unable to get up and chase them around the apartment. Thus screaming obscenities at them like an old woman in a rocking chair that does actually live in an apartment with four cats.

Oh. GOD. I just saw my life as an old woman.

When they are not trying to eat each other, or tearing around the apartment at 100 miles an hour- knocking over lamps and pictures, they are climbing the curtains, trying to eat or lick anything plastic, puking where ever they seem fit, and plotting ways in which I shall perish.

Now mind you, they only do this when I am feeding the baby. Or when I am CLEARLY TAKING A NAP- or naturally when the baby is thisclose to falling asleep.

They hate me.

I know this, because there might have been a night when they went without a full bowl of food. They still had a few and my GOD they were not going to STARVE- but in the morning I found three of their play mice in their if *sob* Zeus was trying to provide for his family, because obviously I was not going to.
It broke my heart.
But I remind them, in order to appease them (of course) that Allie will grow up to love them and pet them- so really this was eventually going to work out in their benefit.
They really don't care tho- cause last night all four of them tried to trip me, and this was after I stepped in cat vomit.
Also, I just have to throw this out there. Never, EVER brag that your baby is sleeping better. Never tell other people of any extra sleep you might have under your belt, because I PROMISE you, you will be punished.
The baby will decide that she is not really interested in sleeping ANYWHERE and would rather stare at you and make pathetic noises.
Bragging about getting more sleep is much like ice skating for the first time, as soon as you begin to think that you are doing well, you suddenly find yourself ass backwards flat on the ground, holding your teeth in your hand.
And that is how my night went.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Dear Allessandra,
You were officially a month old yesterday, and I apologize if I lost track of what day it is, or even what time of day it is- for even tho you have done a lot of growing up in these four weeks, you still have mommy hopping around like a strung out crazy person.
Both Mommy and Daddy truly appreciate the extra sleep that you have given us, even if you fall asleep at 1am we still know we have until at least four am until you will want to eat. And me especially, I appreciate that because I realized that four hours of sleep is manageable. Hey 4 hours if half way to eight!
I love that recently you have become fixated on random things- so much that you will stop eating and whip your head to the side to get a better look. And while I find this absolutely adorable, maybe you could unlock your death grip on my boob first? Its just I don't think my boobical is actually meant to stretch that far.
And with that being said, thank you for finding my neck and chest your safe haven. It means the world to me that you sleep the best with your face smashed in the crook of my neck. And the thing with that, Allie, is that wont change. Cause even now at 25 years old, when I am sick, or exhausted, or so sad I cant see straight, all I want to do is crawl on my mom (or Dad's) lap and be comforted.
Cause some day you will hate me, or you will think you hate me, and we will fight over something stupid- but I promise you, home will always be where mom and dad are.
Thank you for being such a happy baby, and for trusting that when you cry I will do everything in my power to fix it.

You filled a part of my heart that I didn't realize was so empty.
Cant wait to see what new and exciting things you will do next.




Yesterday and today is really the first time in four weeks that I really feel as if I had surgery. Let me clarify- I feel as if my body gave me the finger and decided to "check out" Until I get at least 36 hours of straight sleep.
My ENTIRE BODY hurts. Not in "I have the flu and even my hair hurts" way, more like my incision is so swollen it looks like I just had surgery and my legs shake when I stand up.
My mind is awake...and truthfully I have been getting much more sleep then the first couple of weeks, so why now am I truly feeling it?
Probably because the more sleep I get the more I do....right. I am brilliant.
And yeah..ow.

This morning out of pure exhaustion and laziness I mastered the "laying down nursing technique" And not only did I find that I can doze off when she nurses, but she sleeps WAY longer when she is right next to me. I am talking an additional 4 hours in the morning. *Ash, if you haven't this!" Its so worth it.

I have to say, I am absolutely lovestruck with Allie, especially since she seems to enjoy falling asleep to me singing to her.

Best Audience in the world

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter!

I am pretty cute...PS those are my Dad's hairy legs in the picture...Mommy hasn't let herself go that bad.




I just realized sitting here in the living room watching Allie drift off to sleep in her swing (Take a moment to worship the swing with me people) that in a couple years..DH and I are going to be sneaking around like idiots pretending that an enormous creepy rabbit broke into our apartment and left candy for her.

Easter was always pretty fun for me. Between the inevitable stomach ache that would surly surface later on during the day, Easter meant "Easter egg hunt, a note from the Easter bunny, and usually a stuffed rabbit in my awesome pink woven basket. It totally rocked.

As my Mom will remember, there is a very famous video tape of me circa 1987ish where I am blatantly lying to my Dad telling him that I swore I heard the Easter bunny in my room.
Then I proceed to mimic what I "heard" which was basically a high pitch Squeal "EEE EEE EEE EEE" Its totally the most annoying sound anyone could make. But since I am four it is automatically adddooorraablle.

Even now, remembering this, it still makes my Mom laugh.

Happy Easter people :)

Friday, April 10, 2009

Passive Agressive Much?

Today warrants two posts.

Things I should be speaking out loud- but will instead place here in this lovely document for all to read:

This afternoon two things happened that made me realize that A. I am a human vending machine, and B. I am the only one that can fully calm the baby down.

scenario 1. I am having a conversation in the hallway with a friend - We are discussing things other then the baby. ( my Target experience) When all of a sudden... as if by magic, the door swings open and I am gifted a screaming baby. *DH was on the phone with customer service..apparently you cant hear too well with the hysterical crying*

Nothing stops a conversation quicker like a wailing infant in a hallway let. me. tell. you.
I Bring baby in and put baby back to sleep.

Scenario 2 - 30 min later.
I am lounging in the shower..yes I am laying down cause dammit even tho I cant bathe I still reserve the right to be lazy in hot water. I am relaxing and thinking about ordering a Greek salad...when DH comes waltzing in holding a very displeased baby. I might have used profanity at this point.
BUT since the wails were particularly "upsetting" (AKA people were looking in our window) I
got out.
And I fed her.
In a towel.
In the computer chair.
And she fell back asleep.

My boobs are magical.

And my salad was delicious .

Innappropriate questions that Target employees should avoid

Creepy Target employee- "whats that?" Pointing to my baby who is nuzzled in her sling.
Me- "Its my child....?"

CTE- coming out from behind her register...."How old is he?"
ME- "Um its a girl, and shes four weeks" (Side note: shes in a PINK onesie)

CTE- "Oh shes so beautiful...she's really BIG!!! WOW!"
ME- *Award laughter* Ha...thanks

CTE- "Did you have a vaginal birth"
CTE- "My sister is pregnant"
ME- "OK"

CTE- Finally bagging the items, **Long pause**

"So how is breast feeding going?"

And that right there is why I am no longer being polite. The next time some asshole wants to discuss my vagina or boobs, I reserve the right to ask inappropriate questions about their girly parts.

Why people...why??

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I have been meaning to talk about this book for a while.
It has been unbelievably helpful in calming Allie's seemingly inconsolable crying.
Basically there is a certain type of formula in triggering the baby's calming reflects- which in a nut shell means "creating a womb like environment"
Which is why the bathroom fan worked so well that time. But there are other things that will calm her down just enough that she can settle into dream land- thus letting mommy do the same.

This book has helped so much I literally almost got six FULL hours of sleep last night. Granted she spent most of it sleeping in her swing..but seriously we are doing what works right now.

And on an even better note, my wedding rings fit! WOOT! Yes they are a tad bit tight ..but they are on dammit and they are staying on! (mostly cause I am not sure I can get them off..but shhhhh)

I am having a frustrating time with my body today- on one hand I am super excited that I am back in jeans even tho they are a size up from where I was, but I am still in a body that is not completely mine. And I want my body back! I think what it really comes down to, is I want the freedom to be able to RUN again and do YOGA...this whole "healing" process really chaps my ass. I am not the "sit this one out" type of girl. And truthfully I hate being told what to do. because obviously I know more then the Doctors.
April 30th I go back for my six week check up...and speaking of which, baby girl is a MONTH OLD TODAY! Yikes!
Time sure does fly.

Off to nap

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Warning: Kinda emotional and slightly depressing

I have not written about this at all since it happened almost a year ago. This is probably best put in a leather bond journal and not in a public forum. But I feel like its best thrown out into the interweb rather then stuck in a page somewhere.

I used to hate March. March dragged on, nothing to look forward to in school- not like the three previous months. December was basically one big party, Jan went by so quick and then before you know it..Feb vacation! But rained it fogged it sucked.
I could not wait until April approached with the promise of shorts and flip flops.
But now, I have a daughter who was born in March and POOF March is my new favorite month. And April..yeah I wish April would go away.

Last year.. Last year was the worst. Losing both my Dad and my brother on the same day....pretty much clenched it for me- April is full of sad memories. April was basically waiting for my Dad to leave us- and what kind of waiting is that..its just awful.
Losing my brother on top of my Dad's cancer was the icing on the proverbial shitty cake that was my life that month.
And truth be told, even tho this April is very different then last- its still difficult. Now I have this precious life that I am nurturing and protecting, a life that we waited for to different then waiting for a life to end. I look at my sleeping baby and find it absolutely ludicrous that my Dad has not held her. Ludicrous that I have not heard their voices in a year.

When its really late at night and I am up feeding her- I think of them, and I hate that. Sometimes I can feel good about it- but its in the early morning that it really hurts the worst. The combination of lack of sleep and hormones ...well lets just say its not a pretty picture.

I am so blessed to have this beautiful little girl in my life- I realize this- but having something so wonderful when you ache for something else- well, its really hard sometimes. And yeah, sometimes I feel guilty for being so happy.

Saying "I miss them" Sounds so trite, like "I miss that Show that used to be on"
I don't miss them. Its not the right word. I feel like last year someone chopped off my arms and said "hey good luck with that"

I miss them like you would miss air if you were suddenly without.

But oddly enough as time goes by, you realize how much you get done, even when you cant breathe too well- You can even begin to live again even tho every part of it feels completely unnatural. Eventually - I guess- it all becomes the new "normal"
But it still royally sucks. And sometimes I just want to scream bloody murder at the top of my lugs at how UNFAIR it is and throw myself on the ground and kick and scream- as if it might change anything at all.
And you know, thats the real shitty part of this whole thing- even when you think things are "getting better" you still don't get them back. It just starts to hurt a little less.

But I still reserve the right to be happy when April is over.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Real quick before I hit the hay

Gosh shes pretty cute
Lets talk about my Day.

Baby threw up in my hair at 3am- did not actually shower till 10am -1

Had actual sleep (on the couch) from 7-9 +1

Baby screamed/fussed for a good hour -1
vacuumed apartment - baby fell right asleep (thank you white noise) who knew house work could be so damn useful! +1

Decided to begin my "Lose the baby weight diet plan" Took the time to prepare breakfast, snack, and lunch- had actual energy and did not stuff handfuls of jelly beans into my face- walked by said jelly beans several times and was not even tempted! +1

Tried to go out for a walk- started raining as soon as I walked out the door -1
Tried to go out to meet a friend- realized while putting car seat in the car that the CAT IS SLEEPING UNDERNEATH IN THE STROLLER.. s l o w l y place baby back in stroller and drop cat back off in the -1 and a +1 for cat not escaping

Go to the mall- purchase jeans in a size 6...woot! +1

Baby screamed all the way home..-1

Absolutely exhausted feel like I might die-1

Watching "True life I am at Fat camp" Nothing like watching 15 year olds "hook up" while eating stolen candy and faking twisted ankles to get out of working out. +1

**clapping hands** I love crap TV +1

Yes He stayed this way the whole time....weird cat I tell you. Don't ask me how I did not NOTICE the cat sleeping in the stroller...I guess he was in a ball and my mind has since lost me due to sleep deprivation.

Monday, April 6, 2009

H is not only for Hate..its for Happy as well

Take everything negative I said about husband back- (except wanting to smothering him due to his tractor like snoring) hehe just kidding...sorta

Without him..I would not be functioning right now.


More later

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Even Tho I complain a lot...

She still is my favorite part of the day


Let me vent.

Things that make me want to scream. Read: And set things on fire.

Having the baby be up from 1am to 7am. Not crying but just fussing/wiggling/ staring at me so much that I am sure she is trying to steal my soul. I did everything I could think of, but she just would not fully get to sleep. I would spend a HOUR settling her down and then my lovely husband would begin snoring so LOUD that her eyes would fly open.
I spent the better half of the night throwing things at him and contemplating shoving my knee into his balls.
And then there is the issue with the cats.
Again- as soon as she was all safe and warm in her co- sleeper one of the cats would come racing into the bedroom and decide that right that moment was an ideal time to scratch the shit out of the leather chair.
Going to box them up and send them to a Chinese restaurant.

Want to murder anything that makes noise

Saturday, April 4, 2009

so yeah. Sigh.
Babies are way cuter in the morning after a few hours of sleep.
Babies are not so cute crying for three hours. No. They are more like that annoying visitor that wont shut the F up and leave even tho its midnight and clearly everyone is yawning. Nothing would console her last night- Forcing daddy and me to walk, bounce, feed, burp, rock, swaddle, change, sing, repeat.
Until finally she passed out around 1am.
And didn't wake up until 6am.
OK. So I guess its not that bad right?
I even managed a quick trip to the gym this am to Walk. Sleep makes me very happy.
I do have to say, there is nothing more frustrating then the inability to console my child. Even tho I know that shes just c r y i n g- because babies C r y.
But sometimes when its really late, and I am beyond my patient level its hard not to think that my breast milk has suddenly turned to acid -or somehow I manged to shove bamboo shoots down her finger nails.
I know its not my fault but sometimes it sure feels that way.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Creativity ...

so my mom always told my I was creative. And u know I guess I am- case in point, last night Allie would not settle down. We are talking about full out scream/gag/cough/ crying that it enough to send me over an emotional roller coaster. Nothing would calm her down, and I guessed that she was just too tired to settle herself down, so I did what any crazy new mom would do. I took her into the bathroom with the blaring fan. Which oddly enough worked. I don't remember where I read that- that babies like that "white noise" showers, vacuums, bathroom any of you out there faced with a screaming baby...seriously bathroom fan- works like a charm.

The funny thing is tho that Josh's mom is staying with us - This morning she asked how our night went- and I told her what I did to get her to sleep. She kinda paused and said "well thats very creative"
Mommy 1 Baby 0

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Chicken. Bad. Ow

The Last time I actually felt like a pile of donkey crap to this extent was when I was first pregnant, laying on the couch shoving crackers and ginger ale in my face convincing myself that I just had a "bug"
Well this bout of nastiness is no bug loves- its the product of some baaaad BOLOCO.
And let me just get this out of the way. I HATE CHICKEN. Sorry but I do. Chicken is the reason why I spent 30 min in the bathroom comparing my stomach pains to labor pains. And why right now I am up, not because my daughter is up- but because I might vomit...again.

I hate chicken. I can only imagine the reason why I feel so gross, visions of people dropping my food on the floor and blowing on it to get the germs off dance in my head.

And speaking of that- whats with having a child and then all of a sudden becoming the Germ Nazi? "sure you can hold my baby, but would you first mind dipping yourself in this vat of bleach, and then putting on these gloves and mask?

I don't mean to be this way, but you just don't want anything to happen to them- especially the fact that they are teeny tiny and its your responsibility to protect them from germ infested nasty people- that insist on touching. Is it wrong that I want to cut their hands off? It was bad enough when complete strangers were touching my stomach, but seriously keep your disgusting hands and face away from my child.
Ok sorry, that might have been the bad chicken talking.

Sleeping on the couch- Daddy snoring too loud for us

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I love you baby sling

But my shoulder hurts now....


I am so excited about this outfit I cant control myself!!!!