Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Wanna See something Funny?


Hour one




Hour... I have no idea because I am in so much pain- Notice the puke bucket...I apologize for my finger..but I was drugged so I can't be blamed.





Hour 30. (This should be on a poster to prevent teen pregnancy no?)





Totally worth it


One more image to leave you with and everyone can just concentrate on this image and hope it continues:

Monday, March 30, 2009

Good morning everyone! What? not everyone is awake at 3am? :)
Being up at this time watching Real Housewives of New York City, feeding the baby, eating a granola bar (better then oreo caksters) realizing that NO ONE is online..really why would there be.

I just realized tonight how happy I am to not be pregnant anymore. There are just so many aspects of pregnancy that just totally s u c k e d at the end. And it took me not being pregnant to realize how really miserable I was. Now I guess I know why I was so miserable ..since even tho everyone and their mother kept telling me how SMALL I was and how LITTLE the baby would be..I still felt like I was carting around a pile of bricks and it turned out that really I was.
She was heavy- my body was tired. Her head was pressing directly on my bladder. Do you know how long it has been since I could go to pee and actually pee longer then 4 seconds?
Even tho there is some discomfort from the section, its nothing compared to carting her around everywhere.
So do I want another baby anytime soon?
No.
Do I want another one?
yeah...but not for awhile. I need my mind to truly forget everything. And I do mean everything.
OK. Baby girl is snoring as loud as her Dad- time for bed.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Early Morning

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one up in the whole world. I look outside of my apartment and every single light is off across the way. Once in a while a bathroom light will go on, and I feel like the worst voyeur EVER cause um yeah I notice it. There has to be people that have babies around here, I guess they must keep their lights off? Or their babies are up at different times..that must be it.

So there are a few things that are on my mind tonight: First and foremost

Whoever invented oreo cakesters should be shot, cause every time I get up they are all I want. And I am sure that they are not helping me in my road to losing baby weight. In fact I think soon I might need to join a support group because really, those things are A D D I C T I V E.

Also, today I managed to cut my elbow with my own finger nail and normally this would not even make it on my radar- but so many things hurt on my body and I just added another. I am sure the lack of sleep makes everything hurt way worse...so you get it. I am a huge baby.

My contacts are not working anymore, yet I am still wearing them and squinting and being an idiot. I think they might not be working as well because my eyes are dry or something- but I really hate searching for my glasses all the time.

Showering has become my favorite part of the day - Almost as much as napping with someone here to watch the baby. But showering...I just love it. I stay in there way way longer then necessary. Sometimes...if I am feeling crazy I will take TWO showers during the day. I know right...I am totally living "la vida loca"

Why is it, that as soon as my body relaxes and I am drifting off to sleep the baby ALWAYS starts hysterically crying for some reason or another?

I read an article at Parents.com where this woman was talking about how hard having a newborn is, and she admitted to sometimes thinking about just returning him. And I laughed, cause once or twice I have thought things like "what did I get myself into?"
But it is nice that I am not the only one who sometimes feels like this whole thing sucks. In fact even the Doctors have reassured us that we will be rewarded in a few weeks...more sleep and even some smiling...cant wait.

And on that note I am going to attempt to sleep - since princess is snoring ever so softly
<3

Saturday, March 28, 2009







Last night went well. The whole working in shifts really seems to be getting both mommy and daddy some much needed sleep! I get the midnight on shift which usually means that she needs to eat again anywhere between 3 and 4am. This morning she ate again around 2ish and didn't wake again until 6am and then again at 9am!

I actually feel like I can function in three hour segments of sleep.
Its working...we are getting it :)

Friday, March 27, 2009


Hi. My mom is taking me for a walk outside cause its "nice" out- Don't you love my jacket?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

First Bath!

Baby girl lost her belly button last night! Imagine my surprise when I went to change her and there was a very cute belly button sticking out! Of course then I held off some tears cause *sob* she already getting big. But then I talked myself down cause lets be honest that sh*t is naaasty.

So because shes a big girl now I finally was able to give her a bath! And you would have thought we were dipping her into a VAT OF ACID. She was beyond horrified that we would do such a thing to her.



But then she would calm down for a second or two and look at us which was very cute:


So the first bath is done- we fed, cooed and swaddled and she actually slept pretty good last night. No major breakdowns.
And actually TV up until 4am does not suck- I have been able to keep up to date with shows I miss during the day- The Real Housewives of New York, and Keeping up with the Kardashines. Last night I even stayed awake longer then I had to in order to finish the show (pathetic)
And on an even better note, I stepped on a scale this morning and I have dropped 30 whole pounds in two weeks! Woot!
That breast feeding does wonders...or it could be that I am too tired to remember to brush my teeth let alone make something for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Thank god for people that have brought me food cause otherwise I would literally eat cereal all day.
Off to the Doctors
<3

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sigh

Last night sucked.
Baby was up from 11pm to 5am...not even joking. And at that point, when you have gotten up for the 897th time and have actually almost lost your balance because of the exhaustion its really hard not to think that the baby is just being a jerk.

Finally I put her in the sling after she nursed every two hours frantically as if she might never eat again- (thus causing an extraordinary amount of pain that no cream is likely to fix anytime soon) I then put said sling with baby in tow into the bouncy seat and slept on the couch. And woke up drenched in sweat. Ack. I am pretty sure I had a fever last night and just overall feel like a pile of donkey crap.

I am not afraid to admit that this whole thing is MUCH harder then I could have ever imagined. Totally worth it- but really hard.
And when things get really tough I just keep reminding myself that some people have more then one child...and they manage. I can manage one. I can manage one. I can manage one.
She has her second check up tomorrow and then I am heading back to the Doctor to have them check out my incision cause really I don't think I should feel this crappy still.

Pray for nice baby slumber tonight!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009





Things are getting easier..meaning of course that I am not feeling like a total idiot and thinking that I am going to break her at every turn.

A close friend said to me earlier this week "Dude. caveman did this"
So I guess we can start from there.

I am getting a bit better at asking for help, cause really, only so much can get accomplished on little sleep- very little being, the ability to lift my shirt and put the child to the boob.

I was thinking yesterday that the REAL reason why you are forbidden to take a bath in the first six weeks is because of the obvious risk of drowning.

I fell asleep showering yesterday. On my feet. It was only for a second..but wow.
So last night Daddy took a shift which was absolutely fabulous. And today My mom is coming up to see us..which I am very excited about.

Monday, March 23, 2009

sleep deprivation

It makes you do very uncharacteristic things.. such as:
Crying for no reason
Forgetting that both your boobs are in fact hanging out of your shirt and holy shit we have people at the door
Going out into public with a combination of milk and spit up stains all over your "clean shirt"
Calling people at 730AM thinking that its far later then it is, cause they were not up at 3am
Making coffee without adding water and then flipping out cause the stupid machine is broken andwhydoeseverythingsuck?????

And if you are reading this, you are probably thinking "she cant be too tired, cause she is blogging..." But HA you would be wrong, very very wrong. I am thinking of injecting myself with an IV of coffee to stay awake because the baby will not let out a heart breaking cough/gag/ cry when she is in the sling. And alas I have not mastered the sitting up sleep yet. (Give me time)- And no I am not going to let her "cry it out" shes a week old.

She seems to rather keep her big beautiful eyes open staring at me..which is so very cute except for when I am literally finding myself drooling from exhaustion. Less looky more sleepy Allessandra!

Alright shes finally passed out - Nap time!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Night #2.


They are comforting eachother



Hmm. Not as good as the first night- But with a little bit of creativity and a nice rotating system with the husband, we each managed to get around 6 hours of sleep. *not bad*
Unfortunately for me, I am essentially dealing with a very tiny version of me- she might look like her Dad, but boy she has my sense of patience. (If you need any sort of reference take a look at my past posts)

Last night was rough for me, I was in a very uncomfortable state of pain, so I was cranky and she was cranky- so we had to work it out together.
She has taken to eating every two to four hours, with a few "snacks" in between, but God help me if my milk does not let down fast enough for her- then its grunting and snorting and finally a full fledged breakdown.
But we managed.
Our vibrating bouncy chair saved my life last night- I kinda want to take it out on a date and buy it a beer. She actually slept for four hours in the bouncy seat that I placed in her co sleeper- ...yeah..well it worked!

Dr visit was great this morning, shes all wide eyed and bushy tailed for everyone else. She literally did not make a SOUND..just stared at the Doctor with her big blue eyes. She made us proud!

Next Thursday is a quick check up that I will be bringing her to..cause I can finally DRIVE!!!!!!!!! YEY!

Well its such a beautiful day we are going to attempt a nice walk outside..Momma needs to get out of this apartment!
<3




Thursday, March 19, 2009

I have the best baby ever






Last night was our first night home, and it was better then I could have hoped for.

We only had one small freak out session, where I thought "Oh my GOD I have NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING!" But she calmed down and slept...and slept..and slept.I finally had to wake her up TWICE to eat and change her.
*crossing fingers that this lasts*




Tuesday, March 17, 2009



Well I figured out what is worse then the labor I experienced- Going home without her.
That I am sure was probably the worst feeling I have had ever.
But, today I am in a tiny room with her- and the Doctor says she can go home tomorrow night!

I wish I had more to say but I am exhausted.

Here are a few more pics



Sunday, March 15, 2009





Ms Allie is doing great! She was able to spend the whole day with Mommy and Daddy. We got to feed her all day and do the routine changes. Who would think I would be so excited to be able to change my own baby.
She's quickly getting the hang of feeding which is making my life a little easier. They took her off her IV so maintaining her weight is up to momma!

Its going to be really hard leaving her tomorrow, but I have to keep remembering that things could be so much worse. We are busy making plans to distract us around trips to the hospital for feedings. We are going to print out lots of pictures, get the apartment totally ready for her, and do a nice dinner out to celebrate.
Thursday will be here before I know it.
So cause I am now a busy Momma (**happy wiggle dance***) I will instead just fill up the page with pics.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

She's HERE!



Allessandra Isabelle - Born March 12th @ 1:41 AM. 8 Pounds 6 ounces 22 inches long.

Well, I guess I freaked out a little bit too much about that whole going "over due" thing huh?
So, whatever I worry.
So Tuesday Morning I ate some of my Labor inducing cream cheese..fully planning on dancing naked under the full moon if necessary. Turned out that I didn't need to.
After a nice spicy meal, *did not end well later, trust me* my water broke- and yes I did walk in circles like an idiot muttering "Is that pee?..that's not pee..Pee pee pee pee not pee- Until finally it was clear we should be heading to the hospital.

So cut to the Dr doing the "is it amniotic fluid test" and it coming out negative and me very close to losing my mind.

Cut to the Doctor arriving with like seven of his male interns to "check"- or screw a device into my vag which is not exactly very comfy. Turns out that they didn't even need to do the test since it was CLEAR my water had broken.
*Thank god*
Now I am going to be honest about something: I really thought that since it was March 10th I would surly be pushing a baby out in a couple hours.
Not so much.
Contractions started...but they were not exactly doing anything just hurting.
Did not sleep until Nurse gave me a nice shot in the bum (can we say ow?)
Turns out I would totally have taken a thousand shots if I really knew what was coming.
Around 8am nothing was really helping the pain. And all I can think of is my mom saying "well its the worst pain you will ever feel"
And then I begin begging for drugs.

So they nice lady with the needle came in shortly.
Epidural attempt #1. Needle goes in...ow (woopsie! she didn't get it in right) Lets try again.
Sweet
Attempt #2. Needle goes in- right leg goes numb, (Woopsie! she accidentally gave me a spinal- no worries you just wont feel your lower body- AT. ALL.)
Um.

Soooo I cant move my lower body- which if you have ever experienced this, is terrifying. And then I was paralyzed but crying from the pain of the contractions...WTF????

Epidural Attempt #3. (seriously, welcome to my life)
Feel much better. Still cant feel legs- but I can at least move my toes.

10PM- 8cm Dilated- exhausted.
11pm- 10cm dilated- shaking from exhaustion- baby's head has not come down far enough
So from then on, there was "resting" about two hours of pushing, swearing, vomiting, crying, sobbing, begging.
And her head would not come down.
So I did whatever mother who was close to just getting up and going home during my own labor would do- I BEGGED for them to do a C section. And really at this point I had a fever of 101 and was borderline hysterical.

So blah blah blah they did the C section (and yeah, that's not pleasant lets be honest with the ripping and pulling and SNIPPING SOUND GAH! And then I think a Doctor at one point threw his entire body weight on my chest.

And there was the part when they had a missing sponge and I would have to go get an X Ray...yeah...(I cant make this up- this is my life.)
They found the sponge.

And then all I hear is "OH MY GOD SHES HUGE!"

Then there was her crying mixed with mine.
Unfortunately for both of us she was whisked away to get antibiotics and spend some time in special care...cause really, she went through all that drama with me and she has less experience then I do.

But my god. She is absolutely gorgeous and I am hands down in love with her. I love the way she smells, and how she looks at me like she has known me all along. (as I tear up here)
Shes the best thing I have ever done- And I know I have joked about this pregnancy and the delivery was not "ideal" but I would do it a million times over and over again just to see her open her eyes and look at me.

We get to bring her home Thursday morning...and I just cant wait.

Monday, March 9, 2009

"The Other Woman"



DH is having an affair
With his blackberry. Seriously, you think I am over reacting? Well trust me I am not.
If he could he would buy it flowers, he would pass it notes in class ( Do you wanna be my girl friend? Circle Y or N) He would place it in his little wire basket on his daisy bike and slowly pedal with it on a warm spring day.
He frigging loves his blackberry, its his best friend- Every time it trills I swear he gets tiny goosebumps and does a happy dance.

And its not like he is even conversing with hot chicks, (something I guess I could see why is so damn exciting) But what he is actually doing is emailing and conversing with his man friends. Yes, he in involved in some pretty hot "Bromances"
And when he is not texting or emailing, he is downloading ridiculous annoying songs - such as the McDonald's commercial, you know the one with the fish? Yeah the one that makes me want to slam a brick into my face? Well he is working on making it my ring tone.

If I ever want to see him go bat shit insane, all I have to do is hide his precious girlfriend. And you would think the man lost his right arm
"baby where's my phone?"
"Hey baby, have you seen my phone?" Lift couch cushion- on hands and knees, looking under tables.
"Babbbbby much more frantic voice..almost a SQEEE- My phone, phone phone, where is it?"
"Baby, can you call my phone?"
And then comes the accusations-
"Give me my phone."
"What did you do with it?"
"Come Onnnnnn,"
This goes on, until I am laughing so hard I have to run to the bathroom to pee.
Thus leaving my chair open to be searched.

The two reunite *key romantical music* and he commences with his petting and french kissing of his long lost girlfriend.

Disgusting.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Is it really talent?




I have this friend who is such a talented writer that I find myself re reading some of her posts over and over again.

I sat next to her in English classes,I had the pleasure of proof reading her work, and giving her my opinion. (as if it really meant anything)

I remember watching her sip her coffee and how her eccentric jewelry always seemed to match her mood. I was never jealous of her, not really- I just never understood how she never seemed to worry about deadlines.

We would get an assignment and I would begin my outline that night- rushing to get into my professor's office hour just to make sure I had PLENTY of time to re write if necessary.

She never did this. In fact, she would most of the time start her paper the day before, sometimes rushing that morning to print it out. And she always got a frigging A.
Always.

OK so maybe I was a little jealous, but jealous of her talent. Because the girl can write. What struck me so much about her writing, was how real she was. She could write about sex without feeling guilty, never once did she stammer or blush while saying b l o w J o b out loud in the front of the class. While there's me sitting next to her, rocking back and forth like a nut bag trying not to laugh myself into an epileptic fit. "hahahahha she said that out loud, how embarrassing for her, I would never say that word out loud and I would especially not make one of my poor characters part take in....that. Thank god I am so awesome." Yet, She always got an A. AND the girl even got awards for these stories.

So OK I admit it. I always secretly admired her courage, because she owned her writing, while I was always careful not to "offend" anyone. I guess what I am trying to say here is I wanted to say
b l o w j o b out loud without bursting into a fit of giggles and fearing that that entire class was secretly judging me.

I came across some stupid thing she had done the other day. And she admitted that she very much liked "picking her nose" and while I initially found it disgusting and wanted to scoff and think how much better I am then her- I couldn't.
Cause I like knowing this about her. I imagine its why people find blogs in general so appealing especially if we think we know the person. Because in my opinion, 9 times out of 10 we really have no idea.

Raise your hand if you knew *before I admitted it*, that I wear huge underwear and pee myself..... No one?

Exactly.


I have received feedback from lots of people regarding my writing here. But the one constant comment I keep getting is they like that I am honest. Because I am essentially lifting a curtain and letting people see into my life. And we are all nosy- I don't care who you are- we like to find fault in people, we like to eavesdrop and compare ourselves- this is the forum where we can secretly agree without judgment.
And really, that's what it comes down to.
Just like how I enjoyed knowing that this girl liked to pick her nose, I also enjoy reading about random people and what they had for breakfast (bonus points if they put up pictures)
Maybe that just makes me a creepy voyeur, but in general I find people interesting. And truthfully the people that I find the most interesting are those who can make fun of themselves- who can be honest about things that might make other people uncomfortable.
And doesn't that make us better writers? Dare I say, better people?
Because I guarantee that if it really makes you uncomfortable its because you recognize a part of you in what they have to say.

So yeah, I don't enjoy picking my nose, and truthfully I wish I could stand with her in true solidarity- but sadly I cannot.

However, I did eat an entire miniature white chocolate Easter bunny while writing this- (pictured at top of page, and yes its from Godiva...Thanks D..me and my fat ass thank you) and I am listening to Boys To Men....Yes, Yes I am.

<3

Saturday, March 7, 2009

I hate you Denise Austin..



This is what I have started working out in.
Just kidding- but totally hot right?
I have actually been following Denise Austin's much more "up to date" version- where she is not in a leotard and the music is not techno.


Only issue is I have been doing this damn workout so much I can do it without sound- hell I could probably even do it from memory. I have started listening to my ipod while matching her moves- Its very odd to listen to Britney while watching Denise's eyes pop out of her head from excitement.
I am so bored with this routine that most of the time I find myself talking to her in my head

"Oh Denise, you keep telling me over and over again that I am going to "bounce right back after baby, and that doing all these squats will help with that "magical moment" but why o why wont you just shut up? Oh and you totally got a boob job- stop lying. And I hate your flat stomach. And your tiny thighs. And stop making your eyes look so big...what are you having a seizure? And PS no one cares about how you went thirteen days past your due date- and how a 40 min aerobic class put you into labor."

Soooo you will never guess what I have now incorporated into my workout routine...Yes Denise has a pregnancy aerobic DVD.
I hate you Denise.
SO Much.

Also- This morning I went for a walk with the DH - well it was more like a
S t r o l l

ACK

DH does not like to walk as fast as me- since basically I would have rather been jogging.
Or doing cartwheels- or maybe Jumping jacks?

I did manage to totally EXHAUST myself...which in truth was not the goal- just the outcome.
I took a nap.
Now I am awake.
And completely isolated-

I cant call anyone without having them frantically answer the phone...and then the inevitable "oh, hey, what do you want?" after I assure them that its not time- and I am in fact still pregnant
and then I feel guilt people, GUILT because the baby is not out of my body yet.
And you wont believe the emails I have received for not updating the blog until right this second - Some of the emails were down right RUDE.
As IF I had the baby and DID NOT UPDATE THEM- AND HOW DARE I??
And to those people, you so know who you are, I hate you.
And the baby hates you.
Obviously.


I am still here.
I promise you will know.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Reason 7896 Why my Husband Rocks




So we all know about my complete mental breakdown yesterday- we don't really need to rehash it do we?
Thanks.

But my Husband is a problem solver I have a problem he has a perfect solution, he is a Fixer.


So one might think how does a husband possibly help a baby to come out? *besides the obvious, and come on guys his Mom reads this*

I even have to say that his solution to my issue took me by surprise.





Labor inducing cream cheese.

There is a bakery that actually sells this stuff- you have to consume it on your due date or after...and you are guaranteed to go into labor. Sound like a scam to you? Well that's just fine, but on Wednesday I will be bathing in it.
And lets be honest, if someone gave me a plastic cup full of poo and slapped a sticker with the promise of inducing labor on it- yeah I would eat it.

The cream cheese comes with a handy dandy bib to put on your baby to further advertise that her presence on this earth is purely based on the CREAM CHEESE.




Well hey, if it works, I will bring the child home in the bib- I will make it her primary bib, the bib of all bibs.
******************************************
And on a completely different topic, my cat is famous:


That's not really her...but see the resemblance?
Shut up I am NOT bored

And...Check it out my arms are super thin!


And...I have an awesome six pack

Think she is ready to come out yet???

I am off to walk walk walk

Thursday, March 5, 2009

You can skip this one...I am just a mess

So...today did not exactly go as I planned it to. Which in truth.. I should have expected because nothing really ever goes as planned.
I should have known when all the lights were green heading to my Doctor's office- that something was up. Cause that never happens.

This morning I was going to head to my Dr's office, then meet up with friends for breakfast- (I even knew exactly what I was going to order: grilled bagel with light cream cheese, and a large V8) But yeah, my phone starts buzzing as I am pulling into the parking lot.
Doctor stuck in surgery need to reschedule.
K.
Um.
So I explain..(almost calmly) that my due date is on Wednesday and I would actually enjoy being seen...you know, since, I haven't ever had a baby before and it would be super sweet if I could get some damn attention? IT BEING MY LAST APPOINTMENT!!!!!!!
So- of course since I am six days away they would ABSOLUTELY see me at 10am-
Damn right.

So I go home, only to basically turn around.
Call friends hysterically crying, because I really wanted to go to breakfast and I am friggen hungry and my life sucks. *STOMPING FEET*
So they decide to wait for me, no big deal.

10AM
I am brought into the room, get weighed- don't even bother to take off my shoes cause really? At this point screw it. Gained another pound. Sweet. *Oh and I am giving the authors of "What to Expect When you are Expecting" a nice big F you because they convinced me that in the ninth month you would stop gaining weight...BIG SMILE, "And you might even see the numbers go down!" - Bite me book, tell that to my ever expanding stomach.

So I am sitting in the chair with my pants off, cause that's SUPER comfy for AN HOUR.

SITTING............

SITTING.........

STILL SITTING..........
NAKED......
AWKWARD..........
NAKED...........
SITTING..........
SWEATING........
PULSATING HEADACHE...........
STILL NAKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And then when I think I cant take too much more of this- in walks the nurse to assure me that the Doctor will be in "in about 40 to 45 minutes"
Um, yeah.
Wanna know how to piss off a pregnant chick? There you go.
I think I might have blacked out or something from the rage. But soon someone morphed in the room to check me.
And the news is not encouraging.
Lets just say she basically gave my vagina an E for effort but an F in execution.
But thumbs up on some effacement!

Well I wish the train wreck ended there- but it didn't.
We began to "hypothetically" speak of when the Doctor might induce me (since she assured me I would be waving goodbye to my due date) The 18th my Dr is on call, but if my body is still not "cooperating" then it will be the 25th.
Then I just stopped listening to her.
Honestly I saw her mouth moving, but really, I was looking for a blunt object to hit my self in the head with.

So I did what any hugely pregnant woman would do.
I cried like a four year old, and called my mom.

3 hours, a stack of pancakes, cranberry juice, a cup of coffee, three huge sobbing hiccuping cry sessions and some peps talks, I finally feel better.
I even took a bubble bath.
And I am re reading one of my favorite books.


Jen Lancaster always makes me laugh. As of today I am officially avoiding anything that has any sort of "baby advice". No more baby shows, books, or magazines.

Only the baby knows when she will come out. Not some damn book.
OK OK! I surrender.
For real this time.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Here's to my brothers...

I got thinking a lot today about having a girl.

Granted I was thinking about this, while slathering on my husband's deodorant (because WOW I was sweating like a fat kid) I started thinking about my brothers and how growing up with three of them has kinda made me the person I am today. A person who I dont think would ever be called girly

Now I don't mean that I would rather watch sports then shop, or that I don't enjoy doing girly things- but there is a side of me that will forever be tainted by my brother's influences. A side that usually makes true (girly girls) "offended"
For example: I enjoy swearing- there is nothing like really sounding off when trying to make a point. I have found, that most of my guy friends really seem to "get" what I am saying even if every other word is sandwiching an F bomb. My girlfriends seem to throw on some sort of ohmygodsheisreallyupset radar and take the fact that I am speaking like a truck driver as a sign that I really need some deep understanding nodding of the head.

My oldest brother is perfect for this outlet - whenever I need a swearing fix I call him and we rant. So for that, I blame him.

And then there is my "nothing phases me" attitude. Trust me you do not know gross until you grow up with three brothers. There really is not too much out there that I find gross. Especially poo. Two of those three brothers have Crohns disease *enough said* poop talk in my house was as common as talking about the weather.
And there is the bug thing. I actually like
spiders. I learned very early that I had to be strong and not show fear towards anything- otherwise I would be tortured. *hence my horrifying phobia of snakes*
The youngest of my three brothers was TERRIFIED of spiders. Anytime we would be watching TV and a spider would appear ACROSS THE ROOM he would jump up on the couch and let out a massive SQEEEEEEEEEEE while frantically pointing. (you think I am joking...but I am not)
Then he would start flipping out until I very calmly removed the evil spider and let him free outside.
Soon I was known as "Secret Spider Removal Girl" Lord help him if anyone found out that I needed to "dispose of" any spider that happened to be in within a 2 mile radius of him. But I did it, cause I think he secretly thought I was pretty cool.
Having my brothers in my life has certainly giving me a sense of humor, that either you get or you don't.

I do have girlfriends who are exactly like me, and for that I am grateful. We are the girls who might not find something funny, but can see why other people would. We laugh at inappropriate jokes, can find a sexual innuendo in pretty much anything and thoroughly enjoy Seth Rogen movies. Helllo Zack and Mary make a Porno??? I laughed so hard I spit food across the room.


As my due date is right around the corner and having a DAUGHTER is becoming more and more real- I have to say, I think I am going to be OK.

And I would never tell them this, but I think I may have my brothers to thank...


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Why even bother with pot??




When you could be pregnant?
Really, no I am serious. I feel as if I am perpetually high (not that I really know what that feels like)..oh and Hiiii Mom.
But come on, at this point I am not exactly sure that I should be operating a car.

Case in point: This morning I decided to make banana bread. Ok. Easy enough. Need a few ingredients from the grocery store, cause you need bananas to make banana bread..(in case you didn't know that)

Grocery attempt number 1.
I arrive at the grocery store-
walk around like a woman on a mission
get everything I need
I am so domesticated
I finally know my way around Stop&Shop
Didn't even have to call Mom to find "protein powder"
Manage to operate the self check out all by myself
Husband would be so proud
Get to car
Begin to drive home
so excited for delicious banana bread
Realize, while singing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs, that I forgot the bananas
Awesome.


Grocery store attempt #2.

I am distracted by shiny objects and completely forget what I am looking for
Decide that if I walk around for a minute or two I will remember
Hear my stomach growl, realize I am starving
Am happy I am in the grocery store ..cause you know, it has a lot of food
Decide I want hummus
Find hummus
Buy hummus
Leave grocery store.
Get to my car
See ingredients for banana bread in back seat
Swear rather loudly

********************
I did FINALLY get the stupid bananas, only after about an hour of trying.



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I also managed to get my big booty to the gym this morning, something that I am pretty damn proud of myself for still doing. Even though I get strange "concerned" looks from people, and even though I can only walk slowly up hill, I am still working out during my 40th week of pregnancy.
And yes I would enjoy a medal thank you very much.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Cause I didn't get here all on my own!





Well I figured I would take a break from "Whats new in my uterus today" since my mother called me yesterday just to "check" and make sure I wasn't trying to give myself a C section...you laugh, but I am pretty sure she was only slightly joking.

So even though we have a foot of snow outside I am going to try really really hard to not complain, because, you see, that would mean that since all I seem to be able to talk about these days is whats going on with my vagina- that the friggen alternative.. is talking about the WEATHER. So um, I thought I would take a moment and honor my other half- who is half responsible for my ginormous stomach- and who only half reads what I write anyways (so I am safe)
I spent most of the morning laying in bed and reading blogs...(its a tough life I know) but the theme that I kept running into was "baby proofing your marriage" and reading awful stories of marriages crumbing from the pressure and stress of raising children. But instead of throwing myself into a fit of worry I realized that I am pretty damn lucky.
I really like my husband. (obviously yes I LOVE him more then anything) but at the end of the day, I like him. We are first and foremost best friends- so I am never offended when he calls me on my crap. Ok shut up sometimes I am offended, but I don't think omg hedoesn'tloveme!!! And then sit in the corner crying and eating my hair. I like that he knows me better then anyone else, so that he is capable of knowing when I am being an ass.
And even tho we fight and argue about the DUMBEST things, I know for a fact, that if I had only a day to live I would spend it with him. And that to me is enough.


And then there is these types of conversations that I love:

Me:i am watching the view
so maybe you could come home and punch me in the face
Him: sounds like i'll have too

Me: i had a dream that I was trying to put two diapers on the baby
Him: why 2?
ME: no idea... and I was snoring so loud I was afraid I would anger you
I was hearing myself snore in my dream
Him: yeah you were snoring right in my ear this morning
Me: hahhahah you snored in my ear to....stupid snoring

Me: I also accidentally punched you in the face last night


Him: i bet it was an accident
Me: it was loud and slightly awkward...but you only just like moaned a little
Me: i love you
Him: i love you too
even if you beat me in my sleep
Me:you like it
Him: i do
its true

*******************

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Are you there God??



Its me Chelsea.
So yeah. I know its been a really long time since we have chatted about my uterus, and whatnot..Almost about what.. 12 years or so, right? Cause, well you remember that whole "period" thing..that whole "business" that I talked about insistently ?? Well yeah, hey thanks for making that come true and all..but now I kinda need a favor. I know you are busy and all with other things, but if you get a second it would be super sweet if you could help the baby come out. You see God, I have reached my breaking point here. This morning I noticed that I am beginning to get stretch marks, and however beautiful the human body is- I am certain that my body cannot stretch anymore without causing permanent damage. I also have been thoroughly enjoying the baby knee and punch me in the rib cage, but I am starting to become slightly annoyed of peeing myself every time I stand up. And really, I am beginning to frighten people- especially my husband, who I catch staring at my huge stomach, and its not in a loving way God, Its a Ireallyhopethatthingdoesnotgetanybigger type stare. Its the same look he gives me when I wake myself up snoring. But not a dainty snore, no, you know, its more along the lines of a 300 pound drunk woolly mammoth. And that's sadly who I am beginning to identify the most with these days. God, I really believe that I am not meant to eat anything else for fear of actually exploding- and seriously I am 25 years old and I am really afraid that my boobs will never actually look normal again. And I promise I can deal with them not looking the same, but if, you know, you could manage to get them out from under my armpits..? Thanks God, really I know you are doing lots of stuff, but I am prepared to do what you intended to get this baby out of my body, and I hope you don't mind that I plan on being shot up with as many drugs as to put down a rabid monkey... but you cant really be mad at me Ok? Cause you know, you wouldn't want me to get my teeth ripped out without Novocaine would you? And well I am sure that pushing a 8 pound human out of my body might need more then a few deep breaths. And I think I might really need it, cause well I am pretty sure my Doctor called me a pansy cause my fake contractions really really HURT.
So anyways...I am here, I am ready. I guess the ball's in your court.


Oh and PS. If like, you could make it so there was not a snow storm outside that might prevent me from getting to the hospital? A nice quick easy birth would be super.
Thanks again.
Really.