Sunday, May 24, 2015
Someone once told me that I would be a bad mother, because I would allow my children to sleep in my bed.
I remember feeling uncomfortable at the insult, not angry per say, but shifty, like being stuck to a chair too long in the humidity, I wanted the fuck out of that conversation, but the only way out, was to slowly peel backwards.
You can't unsay things once they leave your mouth.
No matter how hard you wish or deny.
Going forward I was scared to death that loving my child too much would be met with disapproval and lectures.
The person who said this would never own up to it.
I have forgiven, of course, because this person would never know what it is to wake with tiny fingers grasping your hand.
Surely, if they could smell the scent of lingering suntan lotion and cherries, they would withdraw their previous claim.
If they knew what it was to have their three year old tuck your hair behind your ear, and whisper, "I love you mama", long before the sun began peeking through the blinds, clearly they would know that only love is here.
I am not a bad mother.
Especially not a bad mother, when my children climb into my bed.
In the midst of elbows and genetic bed hogs, there is only comfort.
Behind the giggles, soft voices and rose scented hair, I can only see my family.
I imagine when they are older, they will look back to our slumber parties with delight. They will know that I am a soft place to land, and I will ALWAYS comfort them. With every bad dream, thunder storm, or broken heart.
This does not make me a bad mom, this makes me their mom.
Friday, May 22, 2015
We all strive to make our lives look a certain way on the interwebs. Three hours before this picture was captured I was the mom yelling at my three year old who LAID DOWN in the middle of the parking lot and screamed like I was pouring acid on her face. I grabbed her arm to stand her up, and I met the eyes of a very judgmental woman.
Two hours before this picture was captured I was hyperventilating on the phone with Josh, telling him all the reason why I am a terrible unfit mother.
One hour before this picture was captured I was sitting outside, only to find that my damn cat had managed to lock the door, leaving me standing on the porch. (That sounds like the title to my next book)
The universe has a sense of humor. Ha Ha Ha.
Isn't this picture beautiful? You would never know that under those glasses my eyes are swollen and puffy from snotty sobs.
I try, perhaps too hard to be authentic. Writing this book has demanded a new kind of vulnerability, something that I have never truly experienced.
Like, every time I sit down to write, I put on my game face.
Let's do this shit. Uncomfortable, well, it's my new middle name.
I have learned that my story is my story, it is not yours. I still can recall my memories, even if you think I can't.
That my story is one of survival and struggle and it is raw and ugly and dammit a lot like playing "truth or dare" with all the popular girls in seventh grade. (fucking terrifying)
No one is going to bully me into silence.
That three year old inside my brain is fired up and ready to take on the world.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Welcome to my breakfast.
For mother's day I received a big ass dehydrator that is used for drying out fruits and herbs and making things like crackers and pizza dough without overheating the food.
I was really excited to make scones, because I am human and freaking love scones, especially ones laced with frosting and that come from Starbucks.
Alas, Starbucks scones are not vegan, or raw, so I am forced to go without.
I did find this recipe yesterday, and I am going to be honest, they were not great. Probably because I was expecting it to taste like a scone, and not like I bit into a salt dough ornament off the Christmas tree.
It's a pretty picture though, right?
A few mistakes I made. 1. It calls for oat flour, I used regular whole wheat flour. 2. I fell asleep because I started it too late and you have to let it "dehydrate" for like 8 hours, and everyone knows I go to sleep at 7:30 PM so....I think I over did it. (They were a tad solid..like more of a rock consistency)
So anyways, back to the drawing board.
I did have two bites, and threw the rest in the trash.
The coffee, however, is superb.
With that, make sure you check out Allie's beauty school video.
You wont be sorry!
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